Joyful and triumphant, yet tired and exhausted is how I feel. All this hard work has reaped its rewards finally. This is the time of point in life when I feel uplifted- emotionally, spiritually and physically. As a student, toiling away like a slave to assignments is quite normal, but tasting the fruits of labour- two HDs in one semester and a few more Ds is so rewarding, the fruit of labour is the tasting the sweetest it has been! Having Dr Collette's praises and approval as well felt really encouraging and motivating. I am capable of a lot of things, I just need to get rid of my pessimistic attitude. This pessimism hinders in work, love and life- the sooner I diminish or get rid of it, the better.
Spiritually, being connected with God for an entire five days felt really good- the feeling of praying for my loved ones, and learning all about hope, joy, peace and love was a beautiful one. I had a lot of fun with those adorable kids and also a good time discussing matters of faith and religion with Henry and others. Despite my aversion to religious commitment, I don't mind going to church occasionally as the buildings are a pretty sight to behold, and being able to say a prayer makes me feel safer and more at ease. Well, technically speaking, God is the fortress that protects people, but I suppose he only protects those who love him. It is very much a two-way thing. The Christians only love him because they are 100% certain that 'God loves us'. Any uncertainty in that would doom their 'marriage'.
All of that talk is very helpful for me in the way I see a relationship. Everything is built on feelings. How I feel about a relationship will determine what that relationship becomes. "Men easily believe what they want to." - Latin Proverb
Thus, if I don't believe in us, us wouldn't be a sure possibility. If I could be like Rose and believe without a doubt that he is the one to grow old together with, we could. All of it is in my head. Because he loves me. His love for me knows no bounds because I'm the one who shaped and changed his life. Although he didn't exactly say shaped and changed my life at this moment, he has given me great happiness and the assurance of the first love that I ever had, a first love that is requited, beautifully and happily forming and transforming. I want to keep that vision alive. The same vision when we fell in love, the me that he fell in love with, might not stay the same forever, but I strive to keep that vision alive. Even if the fairy tale stage has elapsed, every moment in time that elapses will him will be meaningful, if not brimming with happiness, it would still be calm and peaceful contentment with the knowledge that we have each other.
The journey turned me into a more loving, trusting and faithful partner. Let all doubts and insecurities vanish without a trace, replaced by everlasting bonds filled with trust and love. If angels sing praises about God, it is because God is perfect. I will sing praises about my love even if he is not perfect, because no humans can be perfect, but the way he loves me is so perfect. The way he loves me for who I am is so perfect, it feels surreal. It was quite funny that he got mad at himself instead of me getting mad at him. That was a really sweet nice change. Being away from him really does make me appreciate him more. I realize that I have been wrong to get mad or annoyed at him for every little thing. I will take note to keep my overbearing demanding attitude in check and tone it down heaps.
I am about to be reunited with my family next week. Seeing them in Australia for the first time will surely be a little strange, but also oddly wonderful. Instead of towering buildings, dusty air and noisy traffic, I will treat them to the quaint and peaceful city-town of Adelaide. Melbourne will be a great place as we're seeing Taylor and eating out heaps, I just still need to figure out the fine details of our trip! Being idle in Adelaide is fine as I still have stuff to occupy myself with even when I'm alone, but being idle in Malaysia is a big problem. Although I'm not always alone, being with family still means I have nothing productive to do over the month of January. I think that would be a good time to exercise more and read more. Not sure what else I could do since I'm not getting a part-time job.
For now, my love awaits. Patiently, till we see each other again. And always, with lots of love, I want to send him lots of love and nary an angry or impatient tone unless absolutely necessary. "Whatever you can do or dream you can, begin it. Boldness has genius, power and magic in it!" - Johann Wolfgang von Goethe Taking the leap of faith with you love. I'm one of the brave girls:)
It often crosses my mind that I'll never find anyone who treats me well as you do, who loves me genuinely as you do. You're the most important decision in my life, one of the main priorities in my life, for you, I am willing to break my fears of the unknown. If boldness has genius, power and magic in it, I need my courage for this love is magical, and yes, I'm scared but I want to be brave because you are the one who makes me fearless.
