L is for Liam

 L.I.A.M.

Loving, honest and kind

Intelligent and fun

Amazingly patient and sweet

Mischievous enough to make me want him more:)

So what have I gotten myself into lately? After 9 months of recovering and waiting for that someone, only to get my heart broken again the second/third/forth/fifth time of him not keeping his promises of 'letting nothing come between us' and him persistently rejecting my loving actions and intentions while only craving for memories of the flesh union, I FINALLY MET SOMEONE. 

Someone who has not disappointed me yet as I walked in with no expectations. I may be a little uncertain about my romantic future but I oozed confidence as I was in fact, happy with myself. Maybe that was enough to charm him and make him fall in love at first sight. Kiss on a first date even. SOMEONE WITH THE BEST POTENTIAL OF MAKING IT LONG TERM AND ATTRACTIVE ON TOP OF THAT! After what seems like an emotionally exhausting roller coaster ride of dancing the dance of 'first dates'. Every single one who possessed good qualities was not attractive to me, even if I tried liking them. 

And here stands Liam, my (very tall) knight in shining armour. I want everything about us to be memorable. Even if we did get exclusive at a lighting fast speed with the help of technology bringing us together, his actions were very gentleman-ly and romantic nevertheless. When we kissed on the first date, my head was filled with Taylor Swift 'Delicate' lyrics on 'Is it too soon to do this yet? Cause I know it's delicate'. 

I am both touched and surprised that I could make him so happy, it's almost effortless. That he could switch 'tack' from his ex of 6 years and firmly said he's so happy with me and that I am the final and best choice, even uttering those 3 words, 'I love you'. My heart is stone cold at the moment because I'm thinking and viewing things from my head. But I know that it is almost inevitable for me to resist him any longer. 

He is handsome, kind, well mannered and truly patient with me. If I ever do something wrong (and I've already done that by not wishing him 'Happy Birthday' at 12 midnight when we were still in conversation; and making him walk 3 floors to search for my car), he tells me lovingly. He even said that if I crossed any boundaries, he will tell me or admonish me, but in a loving manner of course. I feel very relieved actually. Because I was always anxious around his temper and doing my best not to do anything 'wrong' that would provoke it into an angry rebuttal. Somehow, here I can relax and be myself. And I know that I will have to constantly remind myself to keep 'giving' and not 'taking anything for granted' with Liam due to his kind and understanding nature. 

It cheers me up when I see him in my mind's eye again, waiting at the train stop patiently. I just want to jump into those arms and get a big hug:) Thank you for waiting. And each and every night, thank you for waiting just to chat. Liam, I know I seem to be holding back but for the sake of love itself, I can recognise and appreciate the extent of your love and care for me. I know it's not an act at all and purely love from the heart.  

I open my heart up to you, Liam. Thank you for accepting me as I am. 

Lessons from the Korean Monk

There's this book that I have been reading for what seems like forever and it's still lying beside me. The book full of inspiration and quotes and lessons from a Korean monk, who imparts his wisdom on ordinary folks.

The thing that stuck in my mind the most isn't even in the book itself funnily enough. It was an interview where he spoke about our desires and disappointment, when you look forward to something so much (in other words: expectations) that you ended being disappointed (in other words: unhappy) when you finally get to live the experience. With his own experience- it was about some cake that he wanted to try so much, he resisted at first, then the thoughts stayed in his mind until finally he had to come back to the café to try the cake which everyone was excited over- and in the end, it was just that. 'Good' but not 'extraordinary'.

I think sometimes wanting something too much can have the opposite effect. When you get there, you actually start to be in a state of disbelief that you can't fully enjoy the experience. So what I would do, is to just accept that things are not going to be perfect all the time. Sometimes the things you spend your whole life (or what feels like your whole life) waiting for is wonderful, and other times, it could just be simple and underwhelming. And plain. But having arrived there- the point is to soak in the sights and sounds, the happenings and cultivate the gratitude of having arrived to be fortunate enough to take part of the experience.

So live it. Embrace the moment and forget about what you 'thought' it was 'gonna be like' but instead, embrace and see for yourself what is really happening right now. And feel it - whether it is good, great, bad, mediocre or plain normal- it is what it is. So accept that very moment and your presence and existence.

To me, that alone is mindfulness. Gently remind yourself of the truth in front of your eyes and accept it, love it, embrace it.

Reality

How do you live

Coz all I want is to want him back

I asked how did he feel

When he texted Happy New Year

And she didn’t reply

He said no one told him then

That he was delusional

He thought they could still be together

I said I am at that stage now

I am delusional

All I think is that we are meant to be

Because I’m talking your ears off

And I still say he’s my boyfriend

Can’t get used to saying the word ex

Coz he’s still coming back

We found each other back then right

And even if it’s just for one minute

I’m glad we could have a normal conversation

You sound normal and I sound normal

We both talking about normal things

Your guard was up but you were still talking

Still listening and responding

And so even if it was just for a minute

I know that it was a precious minute

So I’m grateful and smiling and laughing

Cause there’s no bad blood all we need is a fresh start youngblood