Alternate Universe Dream 31 July 2026

I write this at 7.27 am as I got out of bed, still fresh from the dream. It wasn't a nightmare, yet it contained facts that will upsurp my life. But first off, this week, I have been waking up before 7 am, in order to do the 7.15 am morning yoga classes, so it is little suprise that - having gone to bed around midnight (considered early), my body clock wakes me up on time for class (even though today's yoga class is at 9.30 am because it is a Friday). 

When I woke from the dream, I wasn't crying. My heart wasn't beating rapidly like how it would from a nightmare. I look at the face of my beloved husband, happy to know that we're still husband and wife in the alternate universe. As I am thinking that, the sunrise colours the cloud a tinge of orange, very gently, just a touch. I kept marvelling at the sunrise perfectly framing my husband, what a phenomenal nature's backdrop. 

Now, I am sitting on the balcony, with the laptop propped up on the round glass table. Belly fills the seat opposite me, her curious glance (so adorable!) checking out the light morning traffic below as. A pet communicator once told us that Belly has a fondness for car watching. She hops off the chair now and continues sniffing the morning air, and doing what a cat does best- exploring, engaging its senses, and being in the present moment. 

Now, back to this dream I had. It was a dream so real, that it felt again like I time travelled (like Michelle Yeoh). At the end of the dream, I was just ejected from the alternate universe and returned to this concsiousness, this body. 

Scene 1 of the dream

Me and Liam were in our apartment. All nights were off and it was dark. The time was presumbly late at night. I was already dressed in home clothes, which meant a one piece dress without a bra, and sometimes without underwear. And suddenly, a man emerged soundlessly from the shadows, in our own home. I was startled by this, and hurried over to the intruder. How did he get in, as though it's magic? There were no sounds of doors being opened. Upon a closer look, the man is Elrick - one of Liam's friends. In the current reality where I am in, Elrick and Liam (together with Elrick's fiancee) are out for the Spiderman movie. Perhaps this is why he appeared in my dream (because my subconscious had his name saved in recent memory?) 

I started getting upset with Elrick and demanding that he leaves. He was sitting alone at our balcony at night, presumbly moping around. I did not inquire the reason he came to us (to our house). Perhaps also, because this is my dream, Liam doesn't get any lines or airtime in this scene, he doesn't make an appearance. He is the cameo and I'm still in main character mode. Since I don't have Liam's dialogue or impressions in this dream, all I can remember is myself. How I acted. I don't remember what I said. 

The next thing that happened in the dream, I slapped Elrick several times across the face, my palms landing on his cheeks. He must have left after that. In the next scene that I remember, Liam speaks. He comes out to the balcony (it is day now), and erases white writing from the balcony glass doors. The white writing - written in chalk, said he has a migraine. 

I was horrified and remorseful that I had striked a sick person and chased him out of our house. Someone who is actually ill and had come to perhaps seek refuge or comfort in our house. But I had, without giving him any respite or opportunity, mercilessly drove him out. 

This scene ends and I can't recall anything else (not even the aftermath or Liam's reactions). 

Scene 2 of the dream
The next consciousness I have in this alternate universe, I am alone. And in the streets. Am I homeless? Oh no, it seems to be so. There was something else I can't recall now, but it seemed to include Popo and Ee Ee. Something I said or did made them cut me off or not continue looking for me. As a result, I was unable to return to Puchong. Unless I knew my way and was able to walk there. And suddenly, stranded on my own without a single personal belonging, I was no one. A no one to nobody. I remembered just wondering around the streets, with had open stores (like in a Rundle Mall, Adelaide layout or those duty free Malaysia shops). 

I knew immediately I was in an alternate universe then because of this. I had walked into a tech store (which had a layout similar to an Apple store). I made my way to the display corner and asked the salesperson what was on the counter. The attendent held up a device, that looked like a small remote controller, and I asked "What's that". He or she then exclaimed, it can keep "10 photos and 1 video!". "That's it?", I asked, shocked that that was all. The thumbdrive looking thing could only store 1 video, and that was the emphasis, which the salesperson pitched. And everyone was crowding around, marvelling at it. The price tag was either 7 hundred or 7 thousand. Wasn't sure if we were still using Malaysian currency. Technology, it seemed, had regressed. It was still in its infancy. 

Scene 3 of the dream
Now, this is the climax portion of my dream. Knowing now that I am in an alternate universe and somehow either estranged, separated or disowned by my own family, I am entirely alone. I was outside the shop now, when I am conscious of myself, and I had befriended a girl. For some reason, when I dream, I cannot see strangers very well - I only know that there had been a person. The details, such as race, ethnicity, the language they spoke, or the exact words or dialogue, escapes me each time. This time, I remember a female, and spefically, this woman was a lesbian. 

This scene was interrupted by the arrival of Elrick. He walked past me, and I recognised him immediately. (It wasn't clear if he came looking for me, or if he happened to just pass by me). Wiithin seconds, I was kneeling down, prostrated (head to the ground), bowing down in apology. (It seemed that this was the first time I am meeting him after the incident).

Wordlessly, he handed me a piece of paper. The paper was folded up. When I opened it, it was Liam's obituary. Liam leaves behind a wife and a daughter. All I remember was that I felt relief. Oh, we had a daughter., went my thoughts. My emotions were relief and maybe a bit of joy. It's like reading the ending of a novel or watching an anime finale to see how it turned out. I felt it was important to capture this feeling, or relief or mild happiness that I felt, as in this reality, we are not with child, and I am still doubtful of parenting. 

The scene returns again. I told her, the woman whom I befriended then, that I could use a friend. With Liam gone (and in the dream, I have no memories of my daughter as I am a time traveller with my current consciousness), there was nobody. Apparently, I was isolated as no friends made it into the dream (not their presence nor automated thoughts or recall of them). 

She said, "I don't do friends", implying that her relationships with women were of a sexual nature. I remember giving it a thought, to how a woman could pleasure me in bed (something that I hadn't considered as I am very much only into males). Would I attempt this just so that I could have a friend if there was no one else?, was in my thought process. 

End
It was at this very exact moment that I woke up immediately. It felt really strange. I was wide awake and conscious in the alternate universe as myself. And it felt like I had been ejected, like a CD Drive, into my current body, in this current reality. It wasn't the usual process of just waking up. It was really like Michelle Yeoh in her movies, where I got ejected back to this body, where I was just inhabitating the other body earlier in the alternate universe. 

Anyway, afterwards I sat on the balcony, writing my thoughts down while Belly happily explored the balcony. Liam came out afterwards to check on me. He sensed something was wrong immediately, and I burst into tears while trying to tell him my dream. 

I am not sure how profound all this is. But I wrote it down here, so that, in the future, if I want to come back and read it, there was a record of this dream. 

What It Takes

Before I can be a Mother (Or to instill some sense of purpose in my life), I will need to: 

• Regulate my sleep
• Regulate my emotions
• Have patience
• Have discipline
• Set time and money aside
• Have a consistent home fitness routine
• Other pick-me-up routine (imagine being in pandemic lockdown and not being able to leave the house, what can I do to improve my home life? Binge watching and doomscrolling cannot be counted)

What I heard from Polly:

• Husband's commitment wavered (big time!). Examples: no longer wants to come home early (only comes home at midnight to avoid responsibilities), doesn't share the feeding baby or soothing baby routine when baby wakes up in the middle of the night crying, Mom has to do it all alone every single time (with no help). 
• Fights and incompatibility on parenting styles, disagreements on responsibilities, tempers and irritations
• M.I.A.  total and complete withdrawal and abandonment of the family (temporary but the emotional damage is done)
• Leading to divorce
• Regrets about having kids: Husband claims that he doesn't like kids (after attempting to care for one). Polly said there is no actual reason to have a kid, unless you really think you love kids. In her experience, it makes her exhausted and unhappy.

What I heard from Sammi (my facial therapist):

• Had a facial this week and she chatted on as usual while doing my treatment. She mentioned a friend her age, in his 20s who had passed away, leaving behind 2 twin boys, due to cancer. 
• She concluded that life is short so you should do what you want to and not care about what people think, because you're living your own life and not theirs (and vice versa- they are also not living your life in your shoes). 
• We also chatted about how it's important to have common things to do with your partner, cultivating a common interest. For me, it's nicer because we started at the same level and our skill level remains the same. For her, her partner is leagues ahead and she's struggling to keep up - so it's a bit of a challenge, but it still works. 

Wrap Up: 

• Which means, in the end, if I choose to have a kid or not, it is between my husband and me, and not whaat everyone else thinks. 
• Right now, strangely, I'm feeling a little bored of social media and entertainment content (perhaps buying a new game might help?). Doomscrolling doesn't seem to do much for me, and then I'm onto online scrabble (playing against the PC), and Duolingo Japanese, which is done around 15-30 minutes. 
• Does it mean, now that, I no longer have my yoga teaching side gig, we should do something together on weekday nights? If he's not working night shift that is. Should it be something sporty or something intellectual?

End of A Yoga Era

On the call, when Adelina spoke, even though no one's cameras were turned on, I could feel the shockwaves and stunned silence. She delivered the decision that was equally as heartbreaking for her as it was for the rest of us yoga teachers, so much so that she was in tears. The news was fresh off the press, she had just learnt it the night before. As she struggled to put it into words and how much she cherishes the studio and lamenting the fact that she had to give it up, she mentioned that "That's life" or was it "Sometimes, that's life". And she ended it with, "I'll give you all some time to digest." To let the reality sink in.

Fast forward, I was in my own head, still trying to process it while handling a client's counselling session. She had a breakthrough because she no longer put the guy on a pedestal, however it was really hard to concentrate on her, as I was simultaneously processing my own "loss". It was a loss of my identity as a yoga teacher, the opportunity to teach a class had vanished in thin air. Almost entirely, now left with a trace that is Yawya Yoga, which I am still grateful that I get to teach very intimate one-one-one classes or what feels like a private class of 2 or 3 people. 

After the session, while I was driving on the way home, I was looking at my chat with Joseph to see how much he would pay for my ARKCC sessions, now that I had exceeded 10 session per calendar year. (The truth was that, my pay would only increase on the 21st session per calendar year. If we worked out the math, that would mean conducting at least 3 sessions per month, every month without fail right? For me right now, my only recurring client is Jac, and I didn't start off the calendar year strong)

Before I found out the facts, my car slammed into a stop. I heard the crunching sound of metal against metal, and I was so clueless on how the accident happened. It really did happen in the blink of an eye. The next thing I knew, I heard the sound first, then only sight came. Of course by the time I looked up from my phone, it was already too late. 

I found it slightly reassuring that I had at least 5 people in my life that I could contact to comfort me after something dramatic happens. I don't have to post it on Instagram, and they would actually reply me on text. Liam was the first person I called. And then Dad. And then I texted Fadz, Rose, and the Michel-Alice group. These are the average of 5 people that I would spend time with, if we don't take work into account. And of course, Dad represents the whole family unit where siblings matter dearly to me too. 

Overall, despite this, I need to tell myself that it's over now and I'm just starting a new phase of life. And it's okay. Life shifts all the time, and nothing is constant right? 

Hold On To These Memories, They Will Hold On To You

 New Year's Day by Taylor Swift keeps playing in my head. 

Don't read, the last page, 

I stay, when it's hard, when it's wrong, when we're making mistakes

I want your midnights

But I'll be cleaning bottles with you on New Year's Day

Hold on~

To these memories, they will hold on to you~


After that prelude, it's time to tell you how I've been feeling, not just what I've been doing. Recently, at a pickleball session, my friend Rose asked me, whether I love my job, because (from the outside), she said, it's looks like a dream job. It quickly forced me to think, as I have adopted a less-than-enthusiastic attitude and mild mannerism towards this job now. I replied noncommittally and illustrated a incident where a colleague couldn't take the heat from the boss and lost her mind for a little bit. And just a day later in another pickleball session (lol), my husband told a 25 year old boy who works corporate events that I am dealing with Pokemon, sparking a frenzy of questions and continuous conversation. 

If I had to rate my skills and capabilities, it's a perfect match. It's PR at its most basic and its core (researching, writing, and analyzing results/information gathering). Selecting journalists, sending their invitations, and following up, and them meeting them on the event day. Writing PRs, (rare) interview pitches, coverage reports, and emceeing occasionally, all those are skills that 25 year old me easily covered. Throw in influencers in the mix of attendees, and we're done. It's actually nothing that I can't do, except for being mindful of how big the scale of an event is, since I am not well versed in operations and logistics. If I had to sum it up in a poem:

Steady pay,
Trips... (whether I get picked), I don't get a say,
So let's not get carried away,
Lest I have my emotions swayed.
Bless it, I can do it!
If it's writing or speaking, I excel,
Planning, we go into details, 
Anyway, it's just research, no sales,   
At the end of the day,
It's kinda easy, hurray!

After two back-to-back classes tonight, I finally had an answer. The first class - a yoga session, started off deeply relaxing (and slowly built up to be challenging) and it ended so meaningfully with a quote "Don't let life slip away" (A reminder to stay present), and the second class- a mat pilates class, was so tough that it immediately put me in a flow state, trying to keep up, and at the end, feeling a little sore but refreshed, uplifted. 

The answer is, to create my own joy (when a situation or person isn't giving it to me). In this instance, I had been passed over for travel opportunities until I've lost count. However, in that "loss", I had to reconcile with what is real and present in my reality. And what I can plan and manifest in my reality. There was also a time that I was very hopeful and open-minded, reading into past life regressions and future life progressions, but seemingly not able to access the visions yet. (That's So Raven anyone?) And it was untrue, the one time, a year of the far future popped into my head, it was because of the hotel room number (lol!), 2050, or something like that. Therefore, I do believe in the power of the subconscious mind, because it pulls any images or ideas, that are not in the conscious mind, and make them appear in one way or another. 

It's like how when me and Liam decided we want to go to the U.S., we saw a bunch of American people showing up for a game at the pickleball court that we frequent every week. And when the paddles arrived at the office (for an event), I saw the words U.S. Pro first before anything else. But besides manifesting, what I concluded that could help create my own joy, was to have something to do that put me in a flow state. Like the way I am penning down my thoughts now, an hour has passed, and it felt rather quick.

Something not too hard that makes me not want to do it (or feel anxious), something not too easy that makes me feel bored and not as enjoyable, a just in-between state. So, here is my list: 

-Duolingo chess

-Scrabble

-Japanese conversations (learning the phrases first, and then voice act)

-Hiragana (first)

-Learn the complete sequence of classical pilates by Joseph Pilates

-Meditation

-Inner child colouring

-Psychology or philosophy on Coursera (or any course of interest)

-Read short pieces of news in Mandarin to test my linguistic ability

To counter the effect of subpar day, laugh with Liam and pet Belly. Kiss and cuddle even if we don't make love. And then do all the things that can take me into flow state. Even if it's just reading on my Kindle, it's better than aimlessly scrolling.