What does it take to have love for a lifetime?

 Prompts or lessons:

1. Tuning

Having a great career/marriage yesterday doesn't mean that is true today. We all need to tune in on the daily and listen to the cues. 

2. Understanding

Can two walk together except they agree (having an understanding)? When you have great harmony, you can have a great marriage. 

3. Take your everyday ordinary life (sleeping, eating, working, leisure, everyday life) and place if before God/Universe as an offering. 

Don't become so well adjusted to your culture that you fit in/do things without even thinking/appreciating. 

4. UNDERSTANDING YOU

In humanity, we have weaknesses, there is no perfection in us. Understanding your humanity brings you humility, compassion and understanding and tolerance. Re-examine yourself and your own weaknesses and understanding that neither you nor the other person is perfect. Humility, being humble and empathy. Know that you are not perfect (you are also getting it wrong from time to time) - to extend this grace to your partner. 

5. Understand who you married

Understand their DIFFERENCES and extend empathy, caring, tender, give room for people to be themselves and comfortable in their own skin. 

6. The goal of marriage

To live in harmony in one another and demonstrate empathy and kindness and dearly love one another. Constantly weave differences together. Eg. Different moving paths that needs to converge and weave together. 

7. ELIMINATE THE ISSUE OF SELF

Me, myself and I- if you eliminate this mindset- you will notice that most dissatisfactions comes out of satisfying yourself instead of seeking to understand the goal of your marriage and understanding your partner. LOOK AT THE INTEREST OF THE UNION, NOT THE INTEREST OF THE INDIVIDUAL DESIRE. 

Prioritise what I can give, instead of what I can get. EGO- can be described as edging God out. GET OVER YOURSELF SO THAT YOU CAN REACH OUT TO THE OTHER PERSON. 

8. Men are SIGNIFICANTLY different

Emotionally, psychologically different. Different experiences with friendships (how male friendships form&bond and how women's friendship form&bond) and family upbringing (different treatment of 'sons' and 'daughters'). Some typical examples:

-Men like to get to the point and solve the problem. Women like to talk about the problem and how they feel (even if eventually they don't get a solution right away, they like to felt understood and sympathised for). For men, their priority is getting rid of the problem ASAP, and not talking about it. If they don't have the mood or motivation to solve it, they will turn their focus to self-pleasure/taking space and time off on their own/e.g. man cave/or bro's nights where they just have fun.

-Self esteem. This is subjective but women often need reassurance and compliments to tide over their self esteem (like a wave) and men only want acknowledgement on their accomplishments (when they have done things right or hit a personal milestone- they expect and value praise).  

-Giving. Women counts one act of giving as ONE singular action (e.g. giving two small gifts means taking action twice. More is always better!) but men may perceive it based on the actual monetary value, and not the act itself. 

Having said that, here are some gender-neutral advice:

1. Don't give unsolicited advice

2. Understand people need space sometimes

3. Listen to people when they alk

4. It's the little things that count

5. When someone is upset, don't take words literally-try to understand underlying issue

Am I The Chief Complainer?

I need help. Talking to the Universe here. Am I always complaining.? When I'm out, I can see some of the good. When I'm in, no matter how they 'perform' for me, I'm always unhappy and I always want more and expect more. 

Being brutally honest, I will complain that they don't plan things in advance for me. Or that they don't surprise. When they DO, etc. buying mooncakes, giving roses/a single rose and cake, giving perfume, bringing me to a surprise location and buying me an album, I always feel flat and empty. And too little or too much attention. I was mean and demanding (the second ex was mean too), but ultimately it didn't stop me from still being demanding or having sky high expectations. 

I want clean cut. I want sexy. I want appeal and prestige. I want ambition yet 100% mine with his time. I want a provider. I want a gift-giver. A planner. A surprise-me guy. I want a listener. I want a puppet still... who would be somewhat obedient and pleasing and dance to my tune. It's scary admitting these dark thoughts. 

It's worse still knowing that I still feel cold at his touch. And pulling myself together to not cringe at his kiss. Is there a way to hijack my mind to learn and unlearn and to eventually LIKE the way he kisses me? Or do I have to correct him? Do I have to take charge and teach him? Urghhhh! I'm frustrated that my guy has less experience than me. And also less drive and motivation than me when it comes to adventure, exploration and extroverted stuff. 

Maybe I'm no different. In front of my friends and acquaintances, I want to LOOK GOOD. I want to still be the alpha. Or if not an alpha, I want to be the 'outspoken' co-pilot or a 'strong' member of the team that everyone does not forget in a hurry (be it positive or negative).  

I've read so many chapters of the Ego book, but my pride is still soaring high, my desire for recognition still cannot be quenched! And thus, in my partner, I desire and demand perfection! This is unjust, and I already know that! 

Thank goodness that he treats my family as well and he treats me. Thank goodness that my Dad loves to have lengthy conversations with him. And thank goodness that he's not boring and at least beats the siblings at games! Not to mention he likes the cat!

BUT HOW ABOUT US? I mean the set-up in my house was not the best... or maybe he is still hungover! At any rate, our solo conversation today was pathetic! There was no chemistry!!! Having no shared interests, you can only talk so much about happenings with your mates and family! And of course none about work, because we both give zero fucks about colleagues (not important enough to talk about!). Unless it's a direct cause and effect by the colleague, most often manager, and just as an FYI. 

I DON'T KNOW WHY DON'T WE HAVE ANYTHING FUN/INTERESTING TO TALK ABOUT! Out of all the miserable dates (I still remember bursting into tears after a date with prawn guy who said he's just looking for any generic girl and he likes A-C cup and nothing beyond C cup!!! And analyzing me like a robot!!!!), Liam is already considered the creme of the crop! Maybe I need to introduce topics and be cool just like my Dad! Either revealing a lot about myself and my past excitements and habits (the places I used to go, the person I used to be).

Or maybe I just need to be honest and understand that a person isn't always a rabbit bouncing up and down and excitable. People get sleepy, tired, moody and overly horny too (it was kinda gross!!! I cringed and avoided it as much as I can! Did NOT dig that one bit!). As long as their heart is still loyal, kind and true. I do remember getting SUPER UPSET when I couldn't get the first ex to be interested in doing me, even though I paraded myself like a peacock. That was bad! But this is really awful too! I don't feel turned on or kinky. How do I tell him! I'm DONE with that phase!!!! Since I overused that in my second relationship! All the lust has been bled dry of me. 

I want a kind and true friendship, a spoil-me, listen-to-me, please-me-moderately kind of relationship with just safe, predictable, but steady sex. Also, I think his appearance is not nice to bear. I ALMOST feel embarrassed that I was caught in a pinch and had to show him to my friends (who look gorgeous!). And him.... looking all 'Snape'. 

I was so insecure that I wanted my friends to comment something positive to ease my own anxieties. I coaxed them both but alas true friends are not so forthcoming. They act in your best interests. I realise that over my friends, I have no power and  no control. I am pretty much happy to just be STILL INCLUDED in their circle. And when it comes to the actual chat, I feel my attention slipping BUT I feel happy that with them, it is still quite effortless. I just need to chip-in from time-to-time and behold, I still walk away with a host of new information and learn something new from every conversation!! But I suppose this is because we only call every once a month or so.   

I have a love-hate feeling. Quite every aspect of my life. I love that I have access to things, but I hate how I have no motivation for it! I love being spoiled by my family and the closeness with my sister, but some days I fancy the idea of moving out and being independent!  

Ahhh!!! At the same time, I am thankful I still have an introverted side of me whom loves fantasy fiction and stories! And chilling at home with these good quality materials would pass time and made me forget the world. Yet look at it from a very idealistic/dreamy lens. Hopefully this insane feelings will subside!! 

P.S. Now that I think of it, he used to say that when walking around in mall, I would always eye attractive women with great physique. And would I like to flaunt crop tops and bare my midriff walking about too? And he tried to get into to get me to actually do the work to feel good about myself and get the shape of the women I used to ogle and fantasize... Maybe I've been lashing out at everyone else because I am actually mad that I HAVEN'T DONE IT YET and I am still slacking off. AND my bursts of energy/hard work dies off after a short period.. E.g. I researched and worked way harder before I join the company than when I'm actually IN the company...

Is This What It Feels Like To Be Dating Your Best Friend?

Today marks the first time we've met in a couple of months since the lockdown! I need to document this here :D

My beau's personality is so easy-going and winsome. The entire stress-free and conflict-free date from beginning to end makes me feel really relieved and light, it feels like I am dating my best friend!! So is THIS how it feels like? Kind of sweet and simple. Cheerful on a whole. Sometimes lukewarm, but never dull. For instance, I always turn to Fadz for fun catch ups and a little bit of chatter and Qian for more in-depth/spiritual conversations and personal development/self-love.

When I am with my beau, it feels like a combination of several people who have my best interests at heart (parent+friend+family- the caring and simple honest communication and of course, a lover+boyfriend- the sweet/nice gestures). 

Quite different from the power struggle that I was used to where it would always be hotly contested on  whose opinion or method is superior or right + anxiety (around communication/separation) + tip toeing around tantrums/tempers/withdrawals/fights, over here in this current reality with my beau, none of these troubles exist! It is just a warm ball of healing light energy! *Heal *Heal

For instance, there is no issue when I take a nap while he cooks. And while I am being calculative and watching every penny that we spent like a hawk, he is ever so gracious to let go of the little things like:

-Paying for parking

-Paying for my batteries (that was not part of his groceries list)

-Being OK with paying first and not asking to split the bill immediately- it's around RM53 (but giving a hint asking for a treat in return in a friendly/teasing tone)

-And yes, giving in to buy the safe item at my request. Even taking a very full on responsible and happy tone, with chips and all to avoid any awkwardness on his end with the cashier.

-Buying and gifting me a brand new book (more on this later)

-Non monetary effort and contribution, such as cooking, cleaning, washing up WITHOUT my help/involvement and feeling 100% okay about this. Even asking me to sleep/nap while he is at it.

I am very grateful and he always teases me about having a handsome beau who can cook at the same time- what a win for me! But he doesn't do that in a derogatory manner, and I carefully note that while commenting about his weight (fat etc.) and hair, I should also adapt this example and not go too far to include negative words (such as ugly). Fat is okay because he uses the word first. 

And also love how he prepares meal from scratch, a homemade meal like how my Aunt or parent would do it, which is a super tedious chore by all means (the cutting, chopping, peeling, marinating etc. then cooking- boiling, frying, washing the pots and pans etc. before the actual meal can be served). When we go out, we can act like both friends and lovers- holding hands and walking everywhere (I saw couple actually swinging their arms together like little kids lol!). When sat on the table, we are able to keep a conversation going over yummy food and  simply ponder on some idle chatter about life. This is repeated as well during post-coital cuddles where the vibe is just warm and very chilled and relaxed. 

Omg, while there is no reason to go GAGA about him, since I am getting very used to his height and his good looks, this factor is a game changer! He is intuitive, thoughtful and THINKS FOR MY SAKE...: 

-He actually picked up the parking card from his housemate just to make it a nicer experience (hassle free) for me to park at his apartment (I have been going the visitor parking route countless time so this is a nice touch although not a necessity! He is going the extra mile to do things that are not needed but would enhance our meetups, and that is gold!!)

-He actually listens, considers, and thinks of my problems. The various times where I vent about the source of my stress, my hatred of other people, my thirst to be superior and be acknowledged, and my envy of successful friends!! Instead of trying to change me directly and talking to me as an advisor/senior, he bought me a book on that topic! >3 

-He had listened to the audio book twice and still remembers the knowledge fresh. He actually bought a book just for me and signed it in the foreword, saying that that he himself has listened to the book twice and hope that I would find it helpful.  

-And if possible, not just read the book but use it wisely (in other words, apply the knowledge). 

And in the end, doing the act safely was okay after all. I had a big barrier and stone weight removed as this used to be A HUGE ISSUE (I even considered getting arm implants!). Now I know that we can have fun and I can still be protected and not have to worry myself sick. He did not complain about this and that alone really empowered me by knowing first hand how we CAN WORK THINGS OUT BY BEING UNDERSTANDING, knowing that I am able to speak to him about potentially difficult or unpleasant issue or requesting such favours.

I guess the only thing left is to make sure that (since he is a carefree happy lad) I focus on my happiness and well-being, being really WHOLE as a person. So that when we come together, we will have loads of things to share, to talk about, and to enjoy each other's company. And not to mention, being supportive when someone embarks on a quest or encounter something particularly challenging. 

I must say that the carefree, easy dates has really been a breeze and I look forward so much to it. I thought it would be predictable because my beau seems like a predictable and straightforward guy, but he has a upbeat and optimistic personality as well! Such as not wanting to cut his hair (growing it for whatever reason/fancy on his whim) and ignoring everybody else and sticking to his plan (he got a mind of his own), and showing his empathy and support towards me via a wonderful, sensible (and practical) gift as a guide and helper, with his acknowledgement note inside the cover. 

I have never found any reasons to fight with my friends. Every time I meet up with them, be it Fadz, Pauline, Michel, Alice, Rayelene, Polly, it is always catching up to enjoy some good food and talking about what is FUN in life and what is current, and offering support/empathy for anyone facing any issues or challenges (although this person is usually ME). As a rule of thumb, with friends, it is advisable to demand less and forgive more (whether it's just cutting them some slack - not being angry when people do a 'no-show'/last minute cancellation or no reply/slow reply; or giving help when needed- with the exception of not mixing business with pleasure- although this may have changed a little as well). 

With my beau, I feel that (this time!!) he could actually be both my friend and my lover!! The compassion is there, so is the listening and caring (with fuss free hang outs), and even down to the (acts of) service such as cooking and shared responsibilities such as budgeting for our dates and treating each other frequently.  Just like (when on) trips with Fadz, we are able to rationally and calmly work out contributions and equations. While beau and I have not travelled together yet, so far talking about money isn't a deal breaker, taboo or a fight initiator- and he is just as happy to pick up the tab as he is about being with me. 

Willingly and happily doing it without any grudges behind my back or something that could come back and bite me. As a lover, beau is more about intimacy and enjoyment in comfort- a nice big bed and plump pillows- rather than sizzling stunts (e.g. attempting a 'Karma Sutra'). Which is why our positions are the same but with good execution (only comment is that, foreplay could be longer since I really like this- bring touched and worshipped)! Although he doesn't worship me, nor me, him. Maybe acceptance is the key. For now, I just enjoy the feeling of clicking together and feeling safe, warm, protected, and secure. Sometimes I zone out (like in a meditative state!) to focus on only the sensations. With no glorifying and worshipping and stroking my ego, this could be healthier so that I don't latch too strongly on my ego identity of 'asking-for-affirmation-praise-validation-pat-on-the-head-good-girl-star-of-the-show'. And swallow my pride to be more humble, yet still as beautiful and lovely as ever, and even more genuine.  I could still feel his eagerness every time and sees his reaction of how he (asks for and) enjoys my act on him. And that is comforting and reassuring. 

I guess for guys like him- once they've completed it, they don't really think about it... It's all part and parcel of a loving and healthy relationship where every day, it starts anew- the chance for you to be kind and caring towards your significant other and demonstrate it through various acts, be it checking up daily on their well-being via texts/call, cooking or sharing food, making love on the weekend, or just hanging out with some good food or quality activity. Occasionally, gift-giving with a good intention or an appropriate occasion. 

This must be the magic formula to lasting relationships. I really think I have found it! The feeling is REALLY like dating your best friend kind of fairytale! No kidding! From the former story of- instead of a heartthrob artist running wild and sexy (the only fun part) to turning hot and cold with you, the warmest being showing at your near-deathbed, and the coldest being getting dumped and withdrawing from fights and leaving to making up/chasing to you, then in the process shredding your mind to pieces, riding a separation anxiety/esteem hit roller coaster, and driven to half-insanity at some points.... This current reality is a tale where the stranger you meet at first sight is kind, considerate but also firm and decisive- with his own standards/morals/(Stoic) principles (from start to present). Where (a steadily developed) friendship (cautious and attentive) is a stronger point of the relationship foundations than purely satiating adult desires. How extending a helping hand and fulfilling another's concern is more important about following a single person's desire. And how romance is continuously kept alive because of the sweetness of the simple, little kind acts and keen observations (which is later used to help, not to hinder or criticize). 

Take it as it comes!

Over and over... the only truth... take it as it comes!

To take things as they come... that will be my greatest lesson of all time. To deal with and accept events as they occur, with a composed state of mind, as opposed to planning for it beforehand.

All my planning has been high energy, low return. High tension, low reward. I am stressed for nothing, it would seem!  

After a complete string of days thinking, planning and brainstorming for a virtual team building activity, it has all come to naught. I really actually put my thinking cells hundred per cent into this one!! Thinking of almost nothing else at night, and binge watching countless videos about ice breaking over Zoom calls and Zoom games to play in large groups. 

My continuous effort was halted once, with some unplanned shenanigan suddenly popping up a week before. And then unclear miscommunication ensues, with no one communicating with each other- much less me! Throw in a goody two-shoes blurry CEO and swamped-to-his-forehead Team Lead and you have total chaos.

The good news out of all this is that- hurray! This won't be part of the KPI, so thank God. And I get to be all Hobbit-up in my actual KPI related TTD. I don't like how HR ruins everything in every single company. They suck out the fun. A non-work related event should be just chill and have fun, instead of harping on company values. 

On a more personal end. I actually received some shockwaves too from my beau! I worked up my courage to tell him to put a sock on it! And painstakingly planned the moment where I would break the unwelcome news, complete with a screencast recording on my iPhone, demonstrating the app. The whole night until 5 A.M., I was researching ovulation and how best to structure my sentences and my thoughts so there won't be an unpleasant air. 

I went back and forth to whether I should confront him over the phone or in person. And I had to set up the scene perfectly for an audio call. Where you can talk and share, and not feel so vulnerable because you are not being stared at. I was nervously explaining how important the 'talk' of the topic was, and giving him the option first to quit and switch to Plan B, and then explaining WHY I would need him to play it safe and be responsible since it's a high risk day that we are meeting. Before I could say the words, he asked me, 'Are you saying that you want me to purchase the said thing?'. I froze and hesitantly said yes and gave all the reasons as to why...(in my head I was going blah blah, blah blah)... and his voice cut through the air. Okay... and that was it!!!! I tried to backpedal and affirm it, and reminded him that he had let it slip before that he loves it al naturale and even to the point about sharing the P.C. with him and what not. Again, he just said it, without a hint of tension at all, 100% relaxed voice, saying that I don't have to worry AT ALL, he would definitely do it without a problem. 

I think I went through so much PREP in my head that it was unbelievable that he approved in mere seconds. I had to press him for details to convince myself he had indeed, said yes, in an easy breezy manner, to which he replied, that HE IS NOT SELFISH LIKE MY EX. And that he had put a sock on it before in his long term previous relationship. The one which is like 6, or 7 years or something. 

The only thing left to be shocked about...was his sudden trip he booked with his mates. I can't help but feel territorial and a tad jealous that HE DIDN'T CONSULT ME... and then I realized that SNAP! This is a BRAND NEW RELATIONSHIP where we did NOT have to ask for permission to hang out with our friends... or book trips with our friends... or pretty much anything to do outside the relationship... we can just execute it solo!

I guess I still carried over that 'culture' where it's you and me first, friends and family last, from the previous relationship. That I felt hurt that when the SOPs are relaxed, I wasn't the FIRST person on his mind to travel with. Not that he is a planner. His friends asked him to come along. And he said yes. PROBABLY in the same manner he said yes to my lengthy request. 

The only other tripper is when he forgot or made my birthday a month earlier. At least he got the date 8th correct  =.= But since we haven't celebrated before, I will remind him that my birthday is a month ahead of his. I get to celebrate before he gets to celebrate. And that's that. 

So in the end. It was no use stressing out about my ovulation, the responsible 'talk' which felt like a deal breaker... because he said yes. Swift like the wind. And it was no use stressing out about my image in the company with the stupid games that got cancelled because of some idiotic HR or management. Who doesn't understand playtime means playtime. 

MUCH ADO ABOUT NOTHING IS REAL. And time to put an end to it!!

On The Choice of Children

According to the very thought provoking video. 

You're f**ked either way!

Just a matter of which way you get f**ked is slightly more comfortable. When choosing, you are not essentially choosing a 'right' or 'wrong' answer, as there is no such thing! Suffering is written in all the answers. Both choices WILL lead to pain- just different forms of pain and suffering. 

Let's picture it now...

Suffering A

- You have the kid(s). Physical deterioration (e.g. body losing shape) and emotional toll (e.g. pregnancy blues or postpartum depression- whatever that is).  

-The kid(s) brings on the stress of parenting and the lack of sleep, lack of freedom (restriction on movement) and burns a financial hole. 

-Pushing your buttons and there's no emergency brake when you need it. No way to reset things easily which tests your (already thin) patience. 

-You may be disappointed with yourself.

-You may be disappointed with the kid(s). 

-You may even be disappointed with your partner's approach to parenting. And if you fight about this, bye bye marital bliss and bye bye happy sexy hours!

- You may be tempted to have loud, crazy tongue lashing to reprimand your kid(s) but for the sake of showing who is the real adult and being a good role model, you had to act completely calm and cool (even though you are boiling inside)!

-You may cry about feeling abandoned by kid(s) when they want nothing much to do with you once they have flown the nest (caught up with their work/studies, occupied with friends/bf/gf, moving away).

-You may feel overwhelmed (inside) and unattractive (outside) and vehemently fight this battle with some strategies in place (consult friends and YouTube). 

Suffering B

-Nothing changes on your end. Your body is practically the same and your main concerns (main thoughts) are still no different than your 20s (work, eat, rest, play (digital entertainment) and then repeat). 

-Meanwhile, everyone or everything else changes. (You may struggle to relate to your friends or peers.) Before that, they were simply too busy to hang out and slow to reply texts/left you on 'read' and never replied until you follow up. Now, even if you catch them in person (which is as rare as once in a blue moon), they fall into these two categories:

1. Ambitious business people / top ladder climber

2. Ambitious parents

Neither of which makes a good conversation since you have nothing of these in common/to offer and swap stories. This isn't the age where you could talk about boys or little rants about co-workers anymore. 

-As friends are scare, you turn to family members but you know they are not substitutes for same age friends. Everyone has their own agenda now- younger sister is living her society life while older brother could be married already. And you know you don't want to be stuck talking to the younger brother alone or sitting with your parents alone. 

-There isn't a male companion for many many years on the line for you to do couple things, dates, and the likes- not to mention no love life equals to no sex life. At your age, hookups don't cater to you as men are only on the prowl for sweet young things and you certainly do NOT want to feel used and broken like someone's toy. And knowing that you could possibly not even make it to the shortlisted toys list, which sucks. 

-You are scared that, later, when it comes to age 45-80, what kind of life is in store?? It's the age where you can't kid yourself about your appearance, nor go around bowling in malls anymore (unless you are with your kids or with a group of friends/at least one other friend!). You don't see or hear older women out and about or even on social media! (unless they are some sort of successful entrepreneur, business mogul or celebrity/influencer). When you're at that age, what kind of life do you have to show for? Seeing that you don't care for material things (how many times do you want to flash a fancy car or house? - if you can afford it in the first place!). You can't forever put up baking videos. And solo travel is lonely and out of the question. Once in Japan at 25 is enough. 

-You might envy those power couples since you choose the solo path. Even if someone offers you the company of their flesh, it could be just a brief fling encounter or at the worst, affairs with committed/married people (which you might have even been tricked to think that they were single!).

-Just loneliness and a lot of sleeping on the weekends (even more than you already have)!

The verdict (short):

-A: Despite all this, you will likely have a supportive partner and family.

-B: With all this, you will still end up alone and being lonely.  

The verdict (elaborate): 

-Suffering A: No matter what, you will always have a family of your own. Whether it turns out ideal or not ideal. 

-Suffering B: No matter what, you will always be independent and free, yet feel quite alone and disconnected (from lovey-dovey couples/good looking couples/power couples and families/big families/families with kids) and can't connect well with (previously close) friends (who are now on a different spectrum) as you continue to exist as a solo-ist. 

If Multiverse (Alternate Realities) Were A Real Thing

 Somewhere out there in the Multiverse, there would be a Joanne, a ME, who would have led a different life - based on decisions (turning points) that branched out into other realities. 

Looking at some of my major decisions in life that could have gone differently (into an alternate reality), there could have been a Joanne who (in another dimension!) had: 

1. Taken Hospitality and Tourism Degree instead of Communications Degree - if Covid exists, this reality's career is f**ked  because it would have resulted in becoming jobless. Or a struggling career. 

2. Taken a Business Degree - purely to appease Dad. What comes after... I have no clue. Would an entrepreneur or business-line career follow suit? 

3. Been the Chinese guy's wife -  yes, a reality where that two timing guy from uni- the anime club- didn't break it off with me after his 20th birthday party. Not to mention, I crushed on one guy (the guitarist who wear glasses) and tried three guys from this club (the two timing guy, the nice guy who visited me at my part time job, and the Nerfgun guy). Note: In whichever reality, it seems I retain the habit of being a club committee member (whether official or unofficially) and being active with organizing/participating in group leisure events/outings. 

4. Stayed in Malaysia- and completed my degree here, ruling out meeting any new friends (relationship) and the life in Australia.

5. Stayed in Australia - just as possible, and probably ended up with the first guy and lived in white people land. Doing karate and park walks on the weekend. Career wise, it would have probably been any job that I could land, can't be fussy as a foreigner. 

6.  Ended up as a journalist! - interned in Star and perhaps continued as an English paper journalist? Very possible with my splendid writing skills and curiosity/good interview skills! I even had a thing with some other Star intern.... Omg.

6. Continued at Edelman until S.E. or M. level - Ability to work in the same company and just be a secret admirer to the role model (youngest manager who taught me everything and remained a likeable/popular/influential guy at work). Due to being too fast paced, I know I will burn out at S.E. level here, and M at a far stretch. 

7. Continued at the second company and never exited the trap of comfort zone - Comfortable with the benefits but frustrated at the people. Unlikely reality because I know my inner fire is too strong. A thirst for new adventures would lead me away the moment the original (charismatic) CEO resigned. 

8. Ended up with the first guy - In this reality, I would have never known another type of relationship and married the first committed guy. Due to esteem issues on small breasts, I would have been happy to just be able to 'snag' a guy (as I saw it) and just went along even if I suspect I could be missing out on something and be worth experimenting. Since I was not brave enough to be single until I found a new mark. 

9. Ended up with the second guy - The most complex of all realities. Even if Joanne in this reality changes her actions & behaviour to avoid conflicts (avoid setting off a chain of controlling/toxic/push-and-pull patterns), there is no guarantee the guy will get along with her friends and family. Especially since he doesn't like her taking time away from the relationship (to spend with other people by herself). Any pursuits will be challenged together- from experience, this may seem great at first (for a partner who'd always wanted to join you and best you (outdo you) at every activity- e.g. bowling, badminton, martial art, skating), but it gets tiring when they always think that you have not done your best and could be better. And they think that their presence could make you improve. The perfectionist/wanting-to-change-you trap.    

10. Never moved to KL - Staying in Sarawak either my whole life, or only moving to KL for university life (had my Dad's employer never transferred him outstation). Had I made the move alone, I would be staying (upon graduating) depending on whether I got a job here or elsewhere. I would be renting rooms and living independently away from family. This life would have been very different and I would have different values if I had to leave my home at 19. 

So, in the end, I believe that my Omnipotent script writer (as I am cast as the main lead of ALL TIME) or God who is writing my script, planning my life out, etc. has done me justice. If you take into consideration all the different realities, the one that I am handed out right now is as good as you can have it! 

In this reality, I have:

A stress-free partner (there's nothing complicated about him plus he's not demanding or too judgmental) with high commitment level (wants frequent sex, wants to go on dates with good meals at restaurants/cafes, doesn't mind the occasional unique dates (e.g. not food, not movie) such as Husky Cafe and waterfall hike),  a high paycheck job and toned down stress/responsibilities, complete WFH/lockdown culture where I get to binge watch anime or read manga. Ability to eat, spend, bake, workout as I see fit with no untoward repercussions (e.g. health or wallet) for now. BONUS: I am afforded the opportunity to make use of my yoga skills to earn a meagre pocket money.  

I am allowed to change things  in my current reality. If there's anything I don't like, I am able to do something about it RIGHT NOW. Therefore, altering my reality that has not been created. Laying down a new path and shaking things up. Although I have no power (supposedly) on my ultimate destination (e.g. the scriptwriter can decide anything to happen to the main character)… unless I manifest and bring that (fantasized future) reality into the present (my current day reality) with visualisation.  

For every action that has passed however, it has gone into the void. Or simply split into new dimensions (creating new realities) away from my current reality. Above are the different ME living different lives based on the (somewhat influential) events that could cause different outcomes. I feel peaceful that another ME is living that life that I couldn't consider - because my scriptwriter has put me on a different path. Yes, even one that includes Precious (the kitten) playing loudly in her frenzy and banging around on my door. 

The next time I manifest, I am certain that I can create the best for my current reality (by using my current knowledge to wish for the best imaginable future outcome). 

Sinful desires

 1. I like the part where my booty/nudity is attractive - I enjoyed the feelings of physical spankings (within tolerable pain limits, without BDSM-level injuries). E.g. in the most recent dream, I was with my sis enjoying the shower&swim facilities of Bukit Jalil, wondering around when completely naked. Then someone (a woman) caught sight of me- with her two children- I had to cover my breasts and pubes with my hands. Then in the dream, my red spanked butt (punishment was done, but dunno by whom)- and then I had to stand with my naked back and butt on display at a tall apartment glass window. (Similar to my memories of having sex with my body squished to the apartment glass window)

2. I enjoy playing the character of a ‘misbehaving child (little girl)’ with an ‘angry’ parent - the act of mournfully apologising / confession of naughtiness/bad behaviour and asking for forgiveness and expecting erotic punishment or being relieved that it was not a harsh punishment but a minor scolding. Also enjoyed the act of whining/crying and then promising to be good like a child). 

3. Alternate scenarios: receiving verbal praise like a child (when reporting to ‘parent’ that I did something to be proud of and receiving verbal affirmation pats on the head/pleasure on the body. Proud of you means being a good girl (reward to be fucked at the same time because of being good)

3. Same as 2, the stepping around eggshells and being obedient narrative for affection, affirmation or praise, rewards or scolding, punishment. Spanking is always fun because it’s an erotic concept as a reinforcement reminder (e.g. I will please behave now,  sorry I was naughty earlier) when things are already resolved. 

4. I was suffering the push and pull toxic dynamic but my sex desires (self) craves the making up sex.

5. My healthy/rational self needs and wants a normal respectable adult relationship but my sex self wants the infant-like, controlling and dominating/domineering relationship.

Knowing what I know now

Even if we could time travel... knowing what I know now... I wouldn't be the same person as I have all these new memories. In the present time, it's old/faded memories, but if I travel back in time, it would be new/nonexistent memories. 

If I jumped through a time wrap and tried living at some point in the past... I wouldn't be able to behave and act the same way, especially since I have the knowledge of what has already happened to me. Except that this time... I attempt a 'do-over'. The person doing the 'do-over' would still have knowledge of the various happenings in the future... such as the 'new' friends I have now, and 'new' milestones such as a new job, or a 'new' era such as living in a endemic.  

Therefore, for all the reasons above, my conscience would be alive with my present memories. Even if I want to change something in the past, I couldn't hit a 'delete' button to wipe out my memories. So, the best thing is to live with it. Live with your memories- whether in the present or past. And shape your future based on those lessons. 

Knowing what I know now...

1. There is no point trying to be too much of a 'good guy' at work... Avoid and defuse all conflicts... get your professional development and your paycheck, leave the rest. Form real friends if there's a chance. 

2. Know the difference between a satisfying sex life and a satisfying relationship. I had this confused for the longest time as I had thought that one is a representation of the other. 

A satisfying sex life is where you make your fantasies (and your partner's fantasies) come alive. Not every episode is a hit, but there's always a chance of hitting bull's eye. And most important, the getting there part itself is thrilling/pleasurable. 

A satisfying relationship is where the other party is reliable, kind and respectful. They allow you freedom of choice to live your life and have trust in you as their beloved, while genuinely caring to listen about your ups and downs. 

It took a long time to get this. Now I know the difference, I count myself lucky that perhaps I still have a lifetime to work with the former factor. 

3. Translating power and dominance in the bedroom across to real life isn't the best option. As an adult, it is important that you mature on your own, are allowed to make mistakes and decisions and figure out these consequences on your own. Without someone breathing down your neck or judging you or making you feel hesitant to try anything without their approval. Only women in third world countries are controlled by their men, being total subordinates instead of equals. 

4. When relating unpleasant news, do not tell two completely unrelated stories together (in the same setting) as it will create unconscious negative association. Make sure the story has its appropriate moment. Even if you want to save time, lumping different unrelated stories together can make it seemingly tied and affect the outcome. E.g. Showing the family a bad medical report requiring surgery on my end and telling them I have a new boyfriend  in the same breath.  Remember, there is a right time to say everything. 

5. Verbatim VS sugar coating. Adjust accordingly, enough said. Use your wisdom and be mindful of the objective, which is to create the most harmonious, peaceful outcome/reception or positive mindset/relationship. Adjust your actions for anything that would detract from that.  

6. Insecurities. Manage your own insecurities so that these are not projected into relationships or ruining certain outcomes due to uncontrollable behaviour. E.g. your perceived natural behaviour/reaction due to past conditioning cannot be easily relatable to others. And vice versa (exercise patience when someone reacts based on their own 'old wounds' trigger).

7. Empathize, instead of attack. On the same note, don't be afraid to make amends if you are in the wrong (in the first place) but resist being a pushover (doormat). 

8. Make happiness your current reality. Instead of looking to the past and future. Accept and believe that for every decision you regret, another 'you' in the multiverse is living in your place with a different outcome. So don't feel bad! You are just living in one of the many realities so cherish this one. 

Is there a Selfless Soul in Me?

CONTINUED...

I am not entirely sure- this could be called a real compromise on my end... Since I didn't suffer or give up nor sacrifice anything in return. I get to make myself happy and put myself first. Will I still get to do that when I become a Mom or a parent? Or will my whole world revolve around burdens and responsibilities - signaling that my 'era' is over? 

I've long had a notion that the MAIN CHARACTER is always the person who is young. The one who is an individual- with their own way of making the mark on the world. That's what you see in animes, in movies, in dramas and TV shows - the star cast, the main characters- from Harry Potter, to Kurosaki Ichigo, all the cool Bleach captains, to Tohru Honda, to Yuuki from Vampire Knight, to the sitcom Friends and How I Met Your Mother. NONE of them were doting parents. The ones who are doting parents are never the main character- in fact- their role was to nurture the main characters (e.g. the parent figures of the main characters) and if they DO become parents- the whole 7 seasons of the show will be about their life BEFORE they become parents/married people (for How I Met Your Mother) and I don't think the Friends show even got to the part where they became parents. 

And as vain as this sounds, I do care an awful lot about the 'image' of myself. The projection of my looks and personality, the stories that I share in my leisure time to my friends and people I consider either my peers, comrades or role models. Aside from those I approved as acquaintances (with a rare few transforming into actual friends that I can hang out with), nobody from work makes it here as I see them as annoyances. Competitors, bosses or subordinates. Or a so-so colleague. That I don't want anything to do with outside working hours. Which is why- I needed to take social media breaks to stop other people's lives from overwhelming me. Feelings of inadequacy and fluctuating self esteem when looking at someone else' picture perfect lives or business success. And knowing that deep down- I am NOT THAT ATTACHED actually to work achievements. 

A while ago, that used to be everything. Getting praises from someone I look up to immensely lifted my spirits and made me want to hustle everyday to push my limits. While I've recently changed jobs, the 'on' switch lasted only for a month. Where I was continuously scribbling, continuously fighting for recognition and to be heard and acknowledged, to the point of stepping on many people's toes! Now the fire or thirst has been quenched completely, and I'm content with my daytime naps again (this time with a higher paycheck and less watchful superiors). If this could be compared to playing a violin, I felt as if I could have strung my bow this way or that way, but as long as I'm still making music that doesn't sound bad, nobody notices any lack. And once again, there's only one role model in the entire organisation that I could look up to. My passion isn't waning, perhaps there was never any passion in the first place. PR for Edelman is cool because of the big tech brands, the consumer pull at first and the parties and outings, it isn't the same thing now- but it doesn't mean I don't value this chance to learn. 

What is my calling? 

I know it's not in my day job. I thrive on compliments, team achievements on a job well done, and acknowledgement which motivates me to get things done. But on a genuine front, I have almost no interest in the subject matter itself, I only pride myself in my scope of work. And I don't like to do all that people-pleasing/ass-kissing moves that are somewhat required for this line of work. The only thing I genuinely enjoy is the smart storytelling and the medium I am using- playing with a bit of digital, a bit of video, a bit of budget to make some magic happen within the storytelling. I don't believe I have made 'magic' myself, but throughout all the exposure and working with different influencers and some very smart people, I believe I've at least cast little spells on our captive audience. If not little spells, then mini spells. If not mini spells, then at least I've had a micro-moment of their attention. But at the end of the day, I'm always glad when the time ticks off to after work and the weekend rolls around. I would gladly dropped everything and run off to my lazing around pastures- where I can be like the symbolic- peaceful cow that listens to music, grazes on grass and fears nothing, worry free and care free.

 I know it's not my yoga teaching or HR training or even my martial arts, my piano playing. Those are little bursts of joy that I know are not sustainable. It feels great when I am DOING IT but I have to persuade myself to get started in the first place. It's not as though I can't wait to hop on my mat or my piano keys, or teach or preach to people. The punching bag is a different way of me releasing any pent up mindless energy with mindful yet highly demanding techniques- such as the kicking and punching combos, as well as the 108 sun salutations (precise breathing and stepping/transitions between poses). So these are just what I call 'fillers'- high quality, enjoyable time fillers. NOT a waste of time or energy. But still, it isn't something that I could think of as my calling. 

Is it futile then to attach an entire's life meaning to ONE action or to simply let a SOLO aspect be your defining life purpose? Should we be focusing more on HOW TO LIVE WELL and gracefully instead of WHAT is the purpose and meaning of life? Coming back to my fear and anti-parent sentiments, DOES GIVING LIFE TO OTHERS MAKES YOUR LIFE FULLER? 

Will I be despairing the end of my 'era'? Or will I be contented and proud- witnessing the milestones of my offspring? Am I reluctant to let go of an 'image' that isn't actually there, in fear of trading in my 'main character' identify (individual/spotlight/main cast or lead) for a 'supporting cast' identity (the nurturer, guider, the Fairy Godmother but not Cinderella!)?

The round of doubts assaulting my mind actually was brought on by the episode with Precious. The beau had commented about my maturity since I didn't like (or in other words, never wanted to) sacrifice for others (including loved ones/family). He said I would only take actions or do something that gives me pleasure or benefits. If it was related to suffering in any way or form (without any gratification or ego boost), I would steer clear. Or sulk and complaint and can't cope in the end. Leading him to describe various 'worst case' scenarios that made me re-consider if I should just cut him short. 

It was a heck of a meltdown. I had to reach out to my friends and actually pour my heart out to them about my problems. On calls, lengthy voice notes, texts, you name it- and feeling really embarrassed when they didn't reply since I had sounded so needy and desperate at the point of time. Whatever worked! I was already set on getting professional counselling (which cost an arm and a leg) to save my sanity at any cost. 

Showing my weak side and vulnerability isn't that great... I've always wanted to look 'put together' in front of others, especially friends that I treasure and admire. Luckily, I count my blessings that there are a handful (or shall I say, a few finger counts) of friends that I can reveal my ugly side, my weakness, frustration, annoyance, desperation, etc. I was basically howling on the phone! 

Yes, I could dish out all my worries on them, but I knew that they couldn't solve my problems. Just simply hearing me vent my frustration was ONE relief. TWO was them offering their take on it - any perspectives, opinions, hypothesis or conclusions - formed by their exposure to different situations, things and people in life - I was all ears!! Since I have only seen my side of the world, I couldn't help but be STUBBORNLY stuck in my P.O.V. And yes, I wasn't calmly accepting their views either, there was some back and forth where I tried to question their conviction. Such as- how could you almost not be able to pay rent yet be blissfully happy? How could you start a new business (with no experience) without freaking out and tearing your hair out? And how could you actually look forward to being a Mom? With the 'OMG, I can't wait! :) happy voice and attitude when you know that it is a costly thing to take on, depleting not only financial resources, but emotional and time.'

After multiple phone calls, I was still baffled. But I could also tell that she was completely, one hundred per cent genuine. It wasn't a game with words just to calm me down. She was actually like a fish, jumping from pond to pond, always believing that the new pond holds wonder and miracles, that it is bigger, better. And even if it isn't, the hard times were what makes her realise how lucky she is to have that rock to lean on- the person who is trustworthy to be her life partner. It was odd seeing someone so optimistic and happy (I thought this behaviour is entirely made up by fictional characters such as Honda Tohru). And it was odd to think that - life will still have so much in store once we become parents or Moms. 

It was not the equivalent of an expired jar that I so feared, or an item that has already reached its sell-by date. The peak, so to speak. The whole thing is actually really tragic and laughable. Here I was- seeing my future baby as 'the enemy' who is 'stealing my youth and my limelight'- whereas in reality, if I didn't end up married with kids- I was probably going to stagnate anyway- since I don't find ordinary things much of a challenge/holding my interest for long. The YouTube video (To Have or Not to Have Children)- put my mind somewhat at ease- telling the viewers that no matter which choice we choose, we will end up suffering. 

Looking at the dark side of things (for both scenarios), instead of looking at the bright side (how we are always taught) is surprisingly good enough to jolt me out of my panic and anxiety. If you can't avoid suffering, at least you can choose the suffering you want! It is akin to telling me that if I am going to be tortured now, I will be given the full description of the pain the instrument can inflict, however WITHOUT ever experiencing the pain first, but based on the description, I have to make my smart guess and hope I suffer the lesser evil. Except the catch that there really isn't a lesser evil. It was more or less up to your choice of suffering.  

One friend- (Qian) apologetically said she was sorry she couldn't be of more help, but her advice as actually really sensible. More of reminders, really that - 'The Universe is abundant' and the power of visualisation - 'Visualise yourself'. In this case, to visualise myself as a Mom. A pregnant me with a baby in my belly. The same me (hopefully still fit and slim) with a little creature, that is known as an intelligent creature- a baby. Then to the parts where I like more, out of infancy, graduating from diapers stage into toddler/child stage and finally a thinking/sentient being with his/her own life updates to share (about school/work/projects/interests)! 

I love being the older sister- the authority figure who sometimes gives advice- and sincerely finds the younger ones' updates interesting- after all, they are living in a faster paced digital era and trends, with interesting behaviour from interesting people. But I hate being a sacrificial babysitter figure- the part where you feel like a maid and a babysitter all at once, but with your own needs for pampering and time out (which is likely going to get affected or cut out completely). Maybe I will be the type of parent, where the more independent the child is, the happier I will be as a parent. 

I will keep FULLFILLING MY LIFE FOR MY HAPPINESS, not for anyone or anything else. Not for my work, my husband, my child. Because at the present moment, not even my relationship is dictating the way I think or behave. In terms of making choices, I am free as a bird. The beau said it best. He actually said (verbatim; word-for-word) YOU DO YOU, I DO ME. Don't worry. And that not everything, he has to be invited to or involved in. I have a separate identity after all, I am an individual, after all (whether within a partnership or going solo- there's no changing the 'I' in the equation/sum). 

 I am able to consider my own interest and choose my participation in things that matter to me/things that are enjoyable to me. And I dearly wish this to be so, after I become a parent/Mom someday. Another thing that the beau said is, PRIORITIES WILL CHANGE. But all the time, he still loves a good drinking and gaming night with the boys, and I will still love my 'action' -I'm not 100% sure what this is myself- but perhaps it would be appropriately summed up as me 'basking in the limelight' and occasionally 'flexing' on social media on living the 'good life'- which are just the simple joys of Instagrammable delicious bites, gorgeous locations or unique spots, and funny moments in good company. 

The Day I Learned Compromise

Begrudgingly... that's how I felt. Reluctantly, resentfully, I accepted the tricolour 5 month kitten called Precious into my life. She wasn't that BIG a part of my life, compared to my beautiful senior cat Willow, whom we nursed everyday, hoping to bring her back to good health. As with all things in life, that period came to an end. It wasn't a breeze every day, and there was no 'thank you' as we wrestled her down on the daily, but there was the sweet loaf shaped positions, cute sleeping postures, and wonderful cute annoyed looks and swishing tail. And lots of pats, soft talking and putting my face on her stomach to hear her purr. 

Even though we did not retrieve her ashes to scatter at the foot of the Willow tree, I hoped that Willow's spirit will rest in peace. I hoped that the two months of home comfort and cuddles (with free rein to sleep anywhere in our house) made up for the miserable last week in the lonely I.C.U. While there are some things that I still feel guilty about, I know, for a fact, that if Jolin and I hadn't come to Willow's rescue, she would have been sent off to the animal pound. Shelter... whatever you want to call it, it wouldn't be a rescue home or a sweet heaven... She would have been stuck with plenty of noisy cats (and dogs!) and probably kept in the cage 24/7 as a sickly cat would have been kept away from healthy (for adoption) cats. 

When Jolin made a photo album dedicated to Willow, it was the painful to watch till the end. From the healthy, adorable, quick witted neighbourhood/park cat, to our frequent visitor cat, and finally on a daily basis towards her end. As selfish and as childish as it sounds, Willow will always be my favourite cat- as I am not alone- as she had touched three households at once, from two Malaysian families to even a maid employed by another family who she displays affection for (the belly flops and brushing). And this is also how we ended up with loads of unopened bubble wrapped tuna after her passing. Tuna for human consumption. And now we go to the main part of the story....

Barely a week after, this devilish kitten called Precious arrived. We had to suffer a mini heartbreak over another cat that didn't make the cut, Nomo, whom we all had very high hopes and expectations for. In our view to tame something to make it accustomed to us and love us, we had traded Nomo's spot for a kitten. Precious was on the Olympics medalist (bronze) after Nomo (silver) and Donna (gold, whom was already adopted). 

We had it rough with Precious due to her ever hyperactive nature. And by rough, I meant, sleepless nights (it was same as the night I stayed up watching Fruits Basket till 9 A.M.). Somehow, Jolin managed to adapt and fall asleep amidst all the flurry of nocturnal activities by Precious. But we HAD promised to return her. The day came and went, with my older brother making up some excuse (a valid one- he had purchased new cat toys for Precious) in order to keep her longer. The Day 2 Jolin that was so adamant to sent her away was NOWHERE to be seen. I was alone. With everyone throwing adorable looks at Precious and wanting to keep her, there was only ONE WAY for me to maintain my sanity. Who says you can't have your cake and eat it too? (Idiom definition: to do or get two things at the same time, esp. things that are not usually possible to have together)

I knew that when the time comes again next week, the same reluctance to send her away would be apparent. It's clear as day that the kitten is cute (a fact I won't deny), but in my self-entitled world, I was not about to let a cute thing ruin my day. You want her to stay? Fine. As long as she doesn't give me hell or get in my way. As long as we can co-exist peacefully. Because if we can... then I can embrace her cuteness more. Even though she is not my type. My type of cat is Willow or Minky (Kosmo wasn't too bad either)- but the sweet natured ones that you can pat (at least for a good while!- e.g. Willow had a time limit and an adorable grumpy look but she didn't mind since she was purring like a purring machine). And Minky even fell asleep on my chest and was very gentle natured and cuddly. Kosmo was cute and hyperactive but still easy to hold and handle and pet. Those are my ideal type of cats. But I know, I know... Compromise right?

They just wanted to house an almost homeless kitten- whose previous owners are just happy to pass her over at the drop of a hat (Idiom: immediately, without delay or hesitation) without running any background checks on the new owners. We run the risk of Precious' previous owner passing her over to a possibly new unkind, irresponsible owner -who won't have her best interests at heart, at the mildest; or whom is abusive, at the worst. Perhaps we are the safest choice. Nobody actually hates her. While I am sulking about a thousand things to do with Precious, I am no fool- I know that for a kitten, her behaviour is simply normal. I just prefer a more docile, sweet, cuddly type of cat- over a hyperactive, kicking furball that ONLY wants to cuddle when sleepy. 

So I acted fast. Partly to keep my sanity. Partly to keep my cool. Mostly so I could calm my emotions and stop being too mean to others (they don't deserve this)   I kicked out all the cat belongings from mine and Jolin's shared bathroom and set up the 'cat station' in our  second floor family hall/study area. Then some cleaning urge gripped me, hard, and I spent the next few minutes (probably a good chunk of time passed) cleaning and cleaning. I was obsessed with knowing that now the cat territory has been moved, this place could be much cleaner! It wasn't living up to its non-cat existence potential! I vacuumed my room, swept the bathroom, picked up hairs and 'reset' the hygiene of our shared space once again. This time, kitten free. For the family hall, I made sure all the junk had been moved out of the way and the litter mat was placed as securely as possible. I even scooped out the litter ASAP and marveled that now I don't have to smell the cat litter anymore. Small things, little things, but so much difference.... when you know there's a before and after. The compromise felt like a solution was reached (with all the plastic wrapping and cat proofing going on downstairs)- although a good deal of 'loud talking' preceded (wasn't all that smooth and peaceful), while the aftermath- rigorous cleaning of my living spaces made me feel my soul was being cleansed as well. 

I suppose... there IS A WAY to make things WORK for everyone after all.... With a little bit of patience, negotiation and compromise. Sans the yelling and blaming/finger-pointing! I don't think anyone got the short end of the stick. (Idiom: an outcome in which one has less advantage than others.) Everyone got to keep the cat, the cat gets to stay and be spoiled, my living spaces are still fairly hygienic, and nobody's sleep will get interrupted. Hopefully no furniture will be hurt in the making (we have prepared for this outcome and taken steps to address it beforehand). It's a near 100% satisfactory outcome for everyone, with the exception that Jolin doesn't get to cuddle Precious while sleeping. 

Nightmare

 Today I was awoken in the early morning just before 7 A.M. by a nightmare. The details will be revealed later... However, all I knew was that the first thing that was a natural reaction to me was to check whether I had muted Liam's notifications and to my own surprise, I had already unmuted it some time back! 

Feeling relieved, I then started to scroll through our pictures together, silently giving thanks to the Universe and the Gods, and then proceeded to calm myself down with Teacher Nicole's meditation audio. With my eyes kept open all the time, I decided to draw the curtains back to look at the sky and some greenery (there's a tree that lives on my neighbour's rooftop). 

Now back to the dream. It was super scary because of how realistic it was. Some of the details are modeled after my real life details. Firstly, I had gone out with Liam's (not in this real life) friends- some guys and two girls- who (as with his real life housemates) neither like or dislike me. They weren't fond of me that I knew, but at the same time, they did not display any outright mean behaviour too. Perhaps this fact was always in my subconscious mind and close to my heart- as I knew this to be true at hand, that they were still having trouble warming up to me and accepting me wholly- due to no fault of my own, but more because of their past experience. 

In the dream, I was hanging out with the guys and girls with no Liam in sight, at a restaurant that we could order lots of meat. Nobody attempted to keep a conversation going with me. I was observing what they were eating. And somehow everyone spoke in mainland Chinese! LOL. I noted that I wanted to tell Liam very much that, 'Hey... did you know that one of your guy friends don't eat beef?' and wanted to see his reaction. However, at the end of the party, the two girls called me Liam's fiancée, 未婚夫 -were the exact words -which translates to wife-to-be. They said it is really good that we are having a start up - and something indicated that it was in the F&B business- like an actual restaurant or cafe- because they said they were looking forward to the cuisine/tasting. This must be from my subconscious drilling of the whole entrepreneurship episode with my Dad and also partly due to the influence of the Rich Dad Poor Dad book and not to mention a handful of friends who are successful entrepreneurs or starting a business. 

After that I was supposed to go home before- the time skipped here- it was already really late close to curfew. NOW THIS IS WHERE THE NIGHTMARE STARTED (the part of his friends being somewhat aloof to me isn't an issue- because in the dream itself- it proved that I was still chosen by Liam to be his life partner-and they did look up to us and give us blessings for our ventures!). 

NIGHTMARE- I parked at Mid Valley (yes Mid Valley even made it to my dream!) and for some reason as I was leaving I said goodbye to a beautiful female influencer (who had just finished performing in the mall). She offered to take me in her car to the car park but I declined saying that I parked at another area - which comes in via a different entrance. This part was super realistic because I acted and said exactly what I would say - that I need to go (enter and exit) from the same place I parked, otherwise I won't remember how to get there to my car. So very like me! 

I left then to get in my own car but somehow the parking was a nightmare! It was super narrow and just like a F1/driving video game, I had to wing it! I made it through some tricky curved bend turning by stages! But there was one I couldn't clear, and I started falling... falling... falling.... The car park was open aired (more like Sunway than Mid Valley)! My car tumbled out from the multi story and it was like a James Bond movie scene- falling through the air from a height. Surprisingly, I survived my some minor scratches to my legs only and THIS IS WHERE THE NIGHTMARE GETS TWISTED. 

I couldn't get HOME home. Somehow my auto-pilot self made it to a place (looks like either an apartment or a budget hotel)- as it has doors. It could be a budget hotel as the doors are now numbered I recall. My heart instinctively knew which numbered door to push open and yes it was unlocked. NIGHTMARE ALERT:  When I pushed open the door, I saw my first ex- lying there- naked and covered in semen- he had just ejaculated! The graphic details were very graphic- the dream got it all right- from the colour of his skin, hairy legs, probably even the semen covered body and the male organ (which thankfully I didn't see- as the dream focused on the presence of semen). 

My dream self reaction? I RAN SCREAMING to another room! I locked the room and then MY PHONE SCREEN SHOWED- with THREE SIMULTANEOUS CALLS! In my panic and frenzy, I was sliding to pick up all the (or any!!) of the incoming calls! 

I could see JOLIN, FADZ and LIAM calling! And then I thought 'Oh no! It must be 11 pm or 12 already and I haven't come home! They are looking for me!'. I slid and slid desperately, and finally could get through Jolin's call. ALAS!! SHE COULDN'T HEAR A THING! I was on call with Jolin but she wasn't aware of my voice or presence at all- nor the situation I am in - and the most ABSURD THING was - at this point, there was an update about Jason- narrrowly missing out on bring the fastest runner for some virtual run. It was in some online headline. Grrr!! Anyway, first ex managed to peek above the door and noticed I was injured (slightly). I don't recall any actual words or conversation or empathy or concern.

All I knew in the dream was that I had to get home to my fiancée. Had to get home to my fiancée. So you can't keep me here! 

When I woke up, I was SO RELIEVED and GLAD and HAPPY that I ended up with Liam. Hence, my immediate first natural reaction was to check my phone contact of him- and whether he was still on mute! Oh my goodness, I was still surprised myself that I had muted him some time back- which  meant something important - I had decided to let my guard down once and for all. And take on any risk of getting my heart broken- like my worst fears of unanswered texts and calls, 'disappearing' / ghosting- to have NOTIFICATIONS ON means that when my phone is not on silent (though 99% of the time it still is), I will be hearing the familiar 'ding' sound of incoming messages. 

I also remembered thinking to myself that it was strange that it was my first ex who showed up unpleasantly in my dream- when I never pined for him! Instead I was wasting a lot of time and energy pining for the second ex. But you see that's just it! The answer and truth was embedded in my subconscious mind all along! If my second ex never pined for me, he would definitely NOT show up in my dreams because the matter-of-the-fact was that he would never come looking for me. He never did show any signs of interest in having a real (tender and loving) relationship with me anymore after our breakup. 

I think that in my subconscious mind, I had realized it all along. That it was a one sided recovery effort. And that throughout the relationship, whenever any crack formed in the relationship, I ALONE was the one who tried to patch up and repair the crack. He would shut down and leave after every fight. Leaving physically. Ignoring calls and not returning my long texts. Ignoring multiple calls. Wait it off and go gigging and always I was the one to come with my head bowed, tail wagging like a dog! And like a dog! Coming back to the owner and begged- please love me, love me, let us make it up and forget. I know this was a destructive PATTERN that I could not get out of- as I was already in it. Somehow, I am GLAD in hindsight that when it had blown up and destructed- he had been cruel, cold and firm. Yes, he had entertained my calls- but was still prioritizing himself and giving me no time of his day. Even told me off for wanting his time. He had driven me to doubts that I could no longer keep up the one sided act- trying to keep something that has blown up: it's like keeping remnants of a rubble from a building that was totally demolished, or trying to save a food well after it's expiry date and it had probably gone bad. 

This morning, I was an EARLY RISER for the first time. I knew that all my walls had come down because of this. I can say I LOVE YOU with all my heart this time and imagine our future together. While I was showering, I was thinking of keeping my BODY HEALTHY so that I can live a long life with Liam. I need this body to be healthy! To have his kids...his babies! Our children! I haven't thought about the growing old part together yet, but I know I want to have fun travelling together and having adventures together. 

I won't attach. In Buddhism, we must go through all areas of our lives and see where we are most attached, and then realise that IMPERMANENCE OF LIFE itself. That thing which you are attached to - it is in fact impermanent. It might change, evolve, in many ways or it might cease to exist. IMPERMANCE means nothing stays. At least not in the exact same way that we expect it to forever. 

I will love... and I will love.. I will love you, Liam as long as fate allows it and as long as I shall live. Thank you again to the Universe and to all the Gods for finding my match- who cares about me- HE SHOWS IT, SAYS IT, AND MEANS IT! Today I am also going to eat his homemade cooking of pork knuckles- and all because he made a thoughtful gesture, thinking highly of me. I had mentioned to him over the weekend that on Monday, both my Dad and Aunt were going out for medical checkup, and that dinner was on me. He was so thoughtful that he wanted to contribute a dish too! To 'help' me make dinner in a way:) However, the order couldn't arrive on Monday- it was delayed to Tuesday- which is my yoga day. So I opted for Wednesday instead. 

He asked me if I still wanted the food and haha, of course I do! I never hesitate to try all of his cooking- his labour of love for me- but I do need to do a better job of not forgetting what I've tried! He mentioned that he had cooked scallops for me before (but for the love of me, I just can't remember that ever happened). So yes, thank you for making an effort to love me, and for not getting mad at me over the little things!

Thank you Universe for making my life a blessing currently. It had me thinking that no matter what shit I go through and was put through by other people, Liam's reaction was saying 'That is life' repeatedly like a mantra! A very nice mantra which leads me to thinking that 'No matter what, I will just focus on the happy parts of my life that I can control- because IF I CAN HAVE THAT (bonding and time spent with loved ones) IN THE END- nothing else matters! Nothing else should faze me for long!

Lessons learned from Fruits Basket

 1. Relationships with a power imbalance is not healthy and never going to work out for the long run

2. If you deny your true nature, you will hurt yourself and end up hurting others 

3. It is never too late to change yourself and reform your attitude towards life, no matter what you have caused or endured in the past

4. It is normal to yearn for acceptance of others, but not at the expense of losing yourself

5. You can't control or bound feelings and people

When it is time to let go, let go. What is the point of holding back someone who doesn't want to be here? You have already lost them the moment they decided to leave. 

6.  Life is impermanent (even for a God)

When the Cat rejected immortality, it was the right thing to do. When the bonds are broken, signalling that nothing - no promise, no bond - is eternal. 

Even if you wrap a string around somebody and dictate how they live, they will still NOT be yours to command and keep. And even if someone is loyal to you, there is no eternity in life, everything passes on, everything dies. 

7. You can't tie yourself solely to one identity and let that define every aspect of your life forever because that is the only thing you are familiar with

This point is for Akito - the moment she can accept her new identity once the bonds are broken, she is no longer trapped. For the rest of the zodiac members as well, they need to start anew now that they no longer have an identity to cling onto. 

Momiji said it best when he told Akito that he will move forward and carve out his own life- despite knowing that even he no longer knows who he is, and that all his wishes never came true- he would still live bravely and happily. 

8. The grass is not always greener on the other side, but be brave enough to explore 

9. You can say 'no' to people in power while obeying them and still subtly let them realise there is something wrong with their behaviour

Shigure managed to keep his cool. While he never disobeyed Akito, he has also never bowed down and played puppet to his God, his master. He is cunning and has his own agenda, even making Akito have doubts about him. 

10. Learn the share the spotlight with others, even if the affection of ONE person means the world to you, let yourself be selfless enough to give them room to admire others or indulge in others

When Akito's Mom was overly obsessed with her husband and refused to share his love for her (the spotlight) with another being, even if that was her own child. The evil Akito would have never been born if her Mom has accepted her from the beginning.

Being selfish is no way to treat anyone, and treating anyone as a 'posession' to 'hoard' is all wrong, leading to mental health problem (e.g. co-dependence) and creating an unhealthy environment for both the partner and whoever he loves.

11. If you want to leave any form of legacy behind, do it with meaningful everyday memories and cherish the simple things

Being loved by others and leaving a legacy behind is simple. You just have to truly care for others around you and make the most of the small things- those are the moments that people cherish, knowingly or unknowingly. The simple 'Tadaima' and 'Thank you'. The simple act of being a friend in need. E.g. Tohru's friends for having an overnight pyjama party - being in solidarity with her- when she is overwhelmed with the Soma family secrets (the night when she found out Akito was a girl and the reason why Rooster guy can't leave). 

E.g. Kagura as a child playing with Kyo as a child- which Kyo appreciates and says 'thank you' because he finally had someone to play with (regardless of whatever Kagura's reason was). 

12. Open up your heart to see others who might be suffering if you take the trouble to understand the motives behind their actions

Everything Tohru does to every single character who has difficult struggles in their lives. Some people may look fine now, but they may carry dark secrets or scars that only they can heal once they are ready. Tohru's role is like a Mother- she patiently listens, waits, trusts, and extends her hand of love and acceptance to them repeatedly- again and again- staying with them, acknowledging and accepting them- no matter how they may see her (e.g. as a nuisance). Her persistent, sincere and steadfast kindness eventually finds a way to make them lower their guard just enough for them to take charge and own up to their past/own up to their emotions, until they are ready to make the change within themselves. 

13. Sacrifice isn't all loud and self-declaring (ego flashing), it is often done silently, dutifully and invisible behind the scenes. Extreme (in movies/anime only!): You may even have to hurt yourself to sacrifice for another

The Horse zodiac- Rin- embodies this value the best. Everything she does for her partner was not known to anyone but she still risks her own life (and gets tortured in the process I may add). But her resolve for sacrifice is noble, resolute and unwavering. When she was thrown off the balcony, she had no regrets, and when she was locked away in exile, she had no regrets, all she cared about was that her partner was safe and happy. Her only regret was not being able to break the curse earlier/sooner for her lover's sake. 

Another example is choosing love over selfishness. An untold sacrifice which is weaved into someone's story permanently but it is not shown or flashed around. The sad story of Hatori - the Seahorse- he chose to erase his fiancée's memory and let her go. 

Hatori could not stand watching her guilt and despair (she was psychologically brainwashed by Akito thinking that she is responsible for Hatori's eye injury. Hatori's eye was injured when Akito flew into a rage and lashed out after rejecting their marriage- they came to inform him and seek his blessing).  

She goes on living a normal human life (without ever knowing Hatori's existence nor remembering their relationship) and marries someone else. Obviously, Hatori chose her happiness over his- he knew deep down that even though they were together, she was being torn apart and her happiness, their happiness is just not in reality's cards (as Akito has ruined everything). Rather than hanging on to her for his selfish reasons, he let go of everything that was dear to him. So that she could live and smile again, even if that was a world without him. 

Sometimes, the most painful decisions have to be made for someone else's happiness. Being selfish will just bring both of you down. And one person's sorrow, guilt (or burden) will just consume the darkness and leave no light in the relationship. 

14. Even if someone else can't value you, there is always be another who will value you. The quickest (and easiest) way is to find value in your existence is to help others. 

This goes back to the story of Yuki being so tormented by Akito that he begins to fall ill and loses hope and meaning (with Akito asking 'are you going to die now'). Just when he thought he would do the world and everyone else a favour by dissapearing (because 'no one needs me anyway'- a sad by product of Akiko's evil words instilled in his brain), he was wandering endlessly on his verge of death. Here, he sees a missing child Tohru and guides her back to her Mom. The first scene he first sees Tohru's distressed Mom and realised that (without any hint of jealousy/sarcasm) that there are some mothers who value their children after all. When Yuki was guiding Tohru back, he suddenly feels fullfilled and full of purpose because 'she is depending on me right now' - which is baby Tohru following Yuki desperately trying not to get lost/be left behind. Once Yuki has done the deed, he feels a sense of relief, gratitude and happiness all at once seeing the lost child reunite with her Mom. In his head, he thinks, 'So I am not completely hopeless after all. I can do something right. I can make someone's day alright.'. 

This important story highlights that you do not wait for redemption and acceptance. You do not put your life on hold to keep waiting, because what if it never comes? At that point, Yuki was still locked up with Akito as the sole person he sees daily - besides some household servants who does not interact with him- and a cold hearted Mother. Yuki uses that chance encounter to turn his life around by MAKING SOMETHING HAPPEN with his own hands, by choosing to TAKE ACTION himself  to do a GOOD DEED. If he has indeed truly given up 100%, he could have kept walking, felt jealous and even sadder by seeing another loving parent, or wallow in self pity and self-blame. 

Which is why at the end of the anime, Yuki bravely stands up to Akito by saying 'I forgive you too Akito. I do not blame you anymore, in fact I choose to stop blaming you, Mom and even myself. Instead I want to improve day-by-by and look forward to life.'  

15. Step out of a loved one's shadow/identity/memories and their expectations in order to move forward with your own decisions and 'be free'.  Start a life where you only answer to yourself and be true to your heart's desires. 

Tohru and Akito are both holding on to their Mother's and Father's (respectively) identities so tightly that it overshadows who they are in their own personal lives. Once Tohru is able to make peace with her Mom and 'let her go' (understanding that she can welcome new love in her life- Kyo- without disappointing her old love -Mom), she is able to move forward. The anime makes this a very solid point with her letting go of her Mom's hand (and the happiness they had together), and running to embrace her love, Kyo. 

For Akito, the weight of her Father's expectations and identity drilled into her at a young age to be a God and a 'special' child, plus the responsibility of being the head of household (male) made her into something which she has known her whole life. Akito has never been able to consider another identity and carry the weight of her legacy until it breaks her mentally and spiritually. While she has made others suffer because she herself is suffering, her redemption only begins once she realises (even if it is through a tiny ray of hope) that all is not lost and that she doesn't have to be this way forever. If she can step out of the shadow, she can be reborn again and lead a new life. 

Her self awareness and soul awakening was the turning point for her doomed evil character, which was not doomed in the end after all, despite  'losing' everyone in the zodiac circle. She first begins to accept herself and her new identity before beginning anew while being mature enough to understand that not everyone will forgive her- 'min'na bikkuri shimashi-ta' (everyone was shocked)- and left it at that.  

16. When you accept someone into your life as your significant other, you embrace their past, present and future. 

When Kyo's curse is broken, he immediately tears off his rosemary bracelet, scattering the beads in every direction. Tohru however picks up the beads one by one and keeps it to remind both herself and Kyo that the Cat was once an identity of Kyo's that he should not be ashamed of. 

While you love someone for the person they are right at this moment, loving them also means that you will be open to embrace all the possibilities and choices that they will make in the future. Tohru supports Kyo's decision to relocate to a remote training area and stay with Master, and she takes up the invitation without a second's hesitation, even though it will take her away from her home and the one place where she has loved ones. Her love for Kyo makes her wants to be happy with him anywhere, as long as she can be by her side (soba ni iru). 

Emotional, Physical, Financial, Spiritual Partner

 At the age of 28 turning 29, I have finally discovered what it takes to have a long lasting happy relationship. The five love languages aside, what really mattered to ME was the three main aspects that makes or breaks it. It has to follow a progressive order like this: 

1. Emotional

2. Physical

3. Financial

Emotional giving & receiving - Contrary to popular belief, you can feel lonely in a relationship. You can feel lonely surrounded by friends, or even in a crowd. All the above is possible when you don't have emotional support by the person you love (and who loves you back). Support here is characterised by the true nature of being both a giver and receiver. You are generous with the needs of your partner and do your best to reassure them, giving them compliments, encouragement and an occasional confidence boost. This could also mean motivation, a pat on the back for a job well done, or being there when they are down in the dumps, offering your support without judgement or contradiction. 

It could also mean letting yourself be their first sounding board for ideas, experiments, and case studies- such as when you taste a new recipe for the first time, when they cut their hair and let you see it for the first time, a new investment or purchase they made and showing you for the first time, etc. On the receiving end, you should feel cared for, loved, supported and able to express yourself in a positive or carefree state of mind instead of feeling anxious, needy or insecure around your partner. Sometimes, it is important to first fix your own personal problems and not project it on to your partner to control the outcome, when the cause is not them in the first place. 

Most importantly, emotional threats and blackmail should never be used in a healthy relationship- e.g. threatening a particular outcome for a particular behaviour, or withdrawing affection as a form of punishment. All thoughts/expressions should be transparent and discussed, rather than left unsaid. Do not let resentment build up, clear confusion by speaking your feelings truthfully and discuss any points of improvement when rational and calm (not while fighting). Do your best not to yell and hurt each other in any way, and apologise if one has taken it too far.

Physical attraction & chemistry - While physical attraction can kickstart a relationship in the first place, it won't go beyond the stage of a fling (brief romantic/sexual encounter) without emotional giving & receiving and emotional commitment. It means that while you are crazy attracted to each other, you are also confident that they can be the one you call when you are in distress, they can be the one to love you unconditionally enough to bail you out of troubled waters, and they will never manipulate you, shame you, judge you or put you down.

It also means that good looks and competence don't overtake one's ego, thinking that one is more superior than other. While you are attracted to each other, both feel and act like partners on the same level. Both are equally open to learn from each other, supports the other person's journey, and forgives each other's mistakes while still having the hots for each other. 

Both are equally lucky and blessed to have the other. No one puts anyone on the pedestal because each knows their worth individually. It means you know you're a catch, and the other person is too! You are not superior or inferior to each other, you are both humble and grounded and blessed to be partners who support and root for each other. You both allow each other freedom on what to do with your lives while being considerate to include each other in the big picture. 

Financial compatibility - This does not mean taking advantage of the other person's money or leveraging their finances. Rather it means that both of you have found that the other person to have a stable income (professional means to support self) and knows how to make responsible decisions regarding money. Each is also not far off from each other financially, making good progress with their own money goals, and reveals money decisions/ambitions transparently with each other, such as purchase of a new house, spending money on treatments (decisions made without consulting each other as money is each to their own), and money desires, such as travelling to New Zealand, buying a luxury car (again, each has individual money desires that doesn't affect the relationship since money to be spent is each to their own). 

It is perfectly reasonable to spend money for your own enjoyment (each has their own definition on how to splurge for enjoyment- e.g. drinking rounds and gaming nights, travel and BBQ with friends, some shiny new toy, etc). However, a good person is generous with money invested for the well-being and happiness of self love and love for others. 

Money is spent on self care (e.g. nutrition, cosmetics, relaxation therapies- e.g. massage/whatever works for the person, classes- training/education/courses), but the person will extend care to loved ones within their means (e.g. treats for someone's birthday, graduation, random food surprises, sponsoring a treat or experience other than dining- such as a virtual run, pet cafe entrance, etc). 

While this is not everyone's preferred love language, doing it from time to time shows that you are thoughtful of your partner's likes and favourites, or at the very least, helping them explore different tastes and trying out new experiences with you, which becomes a shared memory (regardless of how much they like the actual event/object as they get to create a new experience of trying out something together as a couple).   

To conclude, my relationship has survived the repetitive lockdowns (during the pandemic) because we have a strong emotional foundation (constant support, checking-in, reassurance and appreciative words & actions, allowing freedom, non-judgmental listening etc.) built on from the time we met. A little throwback: he told me he had a baby and an engaged ex almost all at once on our first date (which I calmly accepted with some questions to follow but no outward overreaction). 

Which is why TODAY he does not hesitate to tell me really DEEP PERSONAL STORIES like his favourite uncle with an almost fatal brain aneurysm, the search for a long lost estranged elderly blood relative (uncle to him, from his Mom's side whom she knew because she divorced the man), abusive ex of his Mom whom is Malaysian, and basically complicated dark secrets like this. But also trivial things like how his Dad knew the Philippines' Olympic weightlifting gold medalist (and their picture together, awwww!), how Jeff isn't from Cebu, but both Joenar, Johnlly and himself were, and how the no.8 in Olympic skateboarding is also from Cebu. Basically HE IS COMFORTABLE SHARING all aspects of his life, be it tragic or lighthearted stuff. And I know that because of him completely confiding in me no matter what the story is, I am free to do the same as well. There is mutual trust and respect for each other and no one jumps on the story to point out flaws/start an argument. 

Physically, our facial features don't change all that much and I find him still very handsome (with his fair skin and Western eyes & nose, rose coloured cheeks, and now very straight teeth lol) while he finds me beautiful (I think!). Each is keeping well in terms of fitness and appearances, none is lackluster. His height is a wonderful advantage and blessing, while there's no issue with his weight, and he complements that I am still skinny (although I am assuredly not), but it is great that we are both fighting fit (for now!). Therefore, our fire can be stoked anytime when we meet! I just need to remind him not to bite or chew on my lip while kissing so that I can enjoy kissing him more tenderly and for longer. More physical action awaits and he has proven he can make me come (even when I'm the one on top!). End of conversation.  

And of course, I am aware couples who are in harmony emotionally and physically (the first two essential criteria) might still fall apart if they are not on the same footing/same mindset financially (e.g. Polly's ex!), so I AM GLAD that we both are! We have been surrounded by loving, caring family members who are givers- of time & attention, and who love good food and enjoy celebrations/get-togethers. He himself is an uncle who loves to spoil his nephew with cakes and junk food, (even knows how to) discipline him and takes pride in the 9-year-old's accomplishments and spirited antics. He also frequently contributes to his parents birthday bashes and reveres his Grandma (who happens to like me by the way)! 

Meanwhile, I have been raised and spoiled by my Dad who still treats us meals on every outing and sponsors our family vacations. I can see that today Dad is ever so generous with aid to our neighbours (giving a huge sum of donation, volunteering for patrol duties, buying fruits countless times from neighbours) and surprisingly, we do receive in return! On my end, I have been more open to spending on loved ones (though in my mind I still think of it as money sacrificed out of for love) for instance, on Willow's medical bills,  GrabExpress when I send him handmade baked goods (which he has done handmade lasagna and transported it here too), some bubble tea treats for Jolin, and the very rare occasional dinner for my entire family. My next steps is to NOT think of it as money sacrificed out of love (as it would attract the same mindset), but to resonate with the philosophy of what a BLESSING it is for me to have someone close to me whom I can spend money on! Some university research (Harvard Business School and University of Columbia) also showed that it is more meaningful to spend money on someone else other than yourself- for the intrinsic rewards of making someone's day/making them smile and giving them a little token as a reminder of the simple joys of life. 

There hasn't been any big ticket purchases but I know that I will need to spend more once I start having and raising a family, therefore I am also very PLEASANTLY surprised that he is the one who brought to my attention and shared with me the Money Jar Method for managing own finances. Therefore, proving that financially, he has some valuable experience- balancing his own expenses while living independently (rent, groceries, Grab, etc.) and still being able to party every weekend while sending money home to Philippines, WHILE treating me! Quite the juggling act! 

Side note on giving: 

Law of attraction - when you give abundantly, you receive abundance. Therefore if you wish to receive anything in your life, you first need to give it; Bible verses- Luke 6:38 -Give, and it will be given to you. A good measure, pressed down, shaken together and running over, will be poured into your lap. For with the measure you use, it will be measured to you; Buddhism- Happiness is not having a lot. Happiness is giving a lot. (Buddhism) Happiness never decreases by being shared.

Final thoughts: 

With all emotional, physical and financial aspects of our relationship as solid as an Olympic GOLD medal, I am aware that there is also a spiritual/religious component that ties a couple/a family together through thick and thin. I am fortunate that while we are from different faiths, different religions, we are both still very open minded - I am a fan of Buddhist teachings (with my family being Buddhist but not deeply religious), while he is a fan of Stoicism (with his family being Born Again Christians and his Father devout). 

However, as long as we stick to good moral character and tread lightly on each other's grounds, I have faith that we will get along just fine on this aspect. I take inspiration from any ethical teachings as long as I understand the principles or quotes behind it. Came across (while writing this blog post) and decided to include *Exodus 34:6 describing God as compassionate and gracious, slow to anger, abounding in love and faithfulness, which I must say, is quite a nice model to follow for a relationship. Therefore I am setting this as must-have virtues:) 

*Bible verse Exodus 34:6

And he passed in front of Moses, proclaiming, “The LORD, the LORD, the compassionate and gracious God, slow to anger, abounding in love and faithfulness,"

Affirmation: 

May we both be compassionate and gracious to each other, slow to anger (and quick to forgive!), and abounding in love and faithfulness. <3

Fun lyrics: 

It was a Friday night 

We both swiped right 

Enchanting eyes

Innocent smile 

Asked him if 

we could grab coffee

He said yes  

the rest is history 

Husky dates & rainbow hikes

Christmas Eve and New Year’s kiss

Lockdown months and lonely nights 

But having you makes it alright 

P.S. Intellectual and artistic pursuits (if any) should be pursued at one's own expense, one's own leisure and not dependent on the other partner to fill any empty hole or any amuse you at your whim. If you have an intellectual connection or share an artistic connection with someone else other than your partner, it is fine as long as you know the motive behind your own actions (e.g. for intellectual and artistic growth, professional partnership or role model, and not for any romantic involvement). While encouraging each other to explore and enjoy new experiences is good for positive growth and relationship bonding, do not attempt to cajole your partner to commit to something that you alone are passionate about. Make sure you have friends and groups that you can spend time on a niche skillset or particular hobby with (e.g. artistic/sports/others- friends for fun runs, ex colleagues for badminton, siblings for karaoke and board games, girlfriend for travels, e.g. intellectual - virtual talk shows, wellness session Zoom event hosts, Toastmasters, etc.)