Joyful and triumphant, yet tired and exhausted is how I feel. All this hard work has reaped its rewards finally. This is the time of point in life when I feel uplifted- emotionally, spiritually and physically. As a student, toiling away like a slave to assignments is quite normal, but tasting the fruits of labour- two HDs in one semester and a few more Ds is so rewarding, the fruit of labour is the tasting the sweetest it has been! Having Dr Collette's praises and approval as well felt really encouraging and motivating. I am capable of a lot of things, I just need to get rid of my pessimistic attitude. This pessimism hinders in work, love and life- the sooner I diminish or get rid of it, the better.
Spiritually, being connected with God for an entire five days felt really good- the feeling of praying for my loved ones, and learning all about hope, joy, peace and love was a beautiful one. I had a lot of fun with those adorable kids and also a good time discussing matters of faith and religion with Henry and others. Despite my aversion to religious commitment, I don't mind going to church occasionally as the buildings are a pretty sight to behold, and being able to say a prayer makes me feel safer and more at ease. Well, technically speaking, God is the fortress that protects people, but I suppose he only protects those who love him. It is very much a two-way thing. The Christians only love him because they are 100% certain that 'God loves us'. Any uncertainty in that would doom their 'marriage'.
All of that talk is very helpful for me in the way I see a relationship. Everything is built on feelings. How I feel about a relationship will determine what that relationship becomes. "Men easily believe what they want to." - Latin Proverb
Thus, if I don't believe in us, us wouldn't be a sure possibility. If I could be like Rose and believe without a doubt that he is the one to grow old together with, we could. All of it is in my head. Because he loves me. His love for me knows no bounds because I'm the one who shaped and changed his life. Although he didn't exactly say shaped and changed my life at this moment, he has given me great happiness and the assurance of the first love that I ever had, a first love that is requited, beautifully and happily forming and transforming. I want to keep that vision alive. The same vision when we fell in love, the me that he fell in love with, might not stay the same forever, but I strive to keep that vision alive. Even if the fairy tale stage has elapsed, every moment in time that elapses will him will be meaningful, if not brimming with happiness, it would still be calm and peaceful contentment with the knowledge that we have each other.
The journey turned me into a more loving, trusting and faithful partner. Let all doubts and insecurities vanish without a trace, replaced by everlasting bonds filled with trust and love. If angels sing praises about God, it is because God is perfect. I will sing praises about my love even if he is not perfect, because no humans can be perfect, but the way he loves me is so perfect. The way he loves me for who I am is so perfect, it feels surreal. It was quite funny that he got mad at himself instead of me getting mad at him. That was a really sweet nice change. Being away from him really does make me appreciate him more. I realize that I have been wrong to get mad or annoyed at him for every little thing. I will take note to keep my overbearing demanding attitude in check and tone it down heaps.
I am about to be reunited with my family next week. Seeing them in Australia for the first time will surely be a little strange, but also oddly wonderful. Instead of towering buildings, dusty air and noisy traffic, I will treat them to the quaint and peaceful city-town of Adelaide. Melbourne will be a great place as we're seeing Taylor and eating out heaps, I just still need to figure out the fine details of our trip! Being idle in Adelaide is fine as I still have stuff to occupy myself with even when I'm alone, but being idle in Malaysia is a big problem. Although I'm not always alone, being with family still means I have nothing productive to do over the month of January. I think that would be a good time to exercise more and read more. Not sure what else I could do since I'm not getting a part-time job.
For now, my love awaits. Patiently, till we see each other again. And always, with lots of love, I want to send him lots of love and nary an angry or impatient tone unless absolutely necessary. "Whatever you can do or dream you can, begin it. Boldness has genius, power and magic in it!" - Johann Wolfgang von Goethe Taking the leap of faith with you love. I'm one of the brave girls:)
It often crosses my mind that I'll never find anyone who treats me well as you do, who loves me genuinely as you do. You're the most important decision in my life, one of the main priorities in my life, for you, I am willing to break my fears of the unknown. If boldness has genius, power and magic in it, I need my courage for this love is magical, and yes, I'm scared but I want to be brave because you are the one who makes me fearless.
Tuesday, 3 December 2013
Sunday, 17 November 2013
Memories
What are pictures but memories of the past?
Pictures upon pictures, hundreds among hundreds of brilliant moments captured,
No words spoken, just the images speaking and conveying meaning.
So, the question is, do you judge people by looking at pictures of their past?
Pictures are just a slice of life. It's like a slice of cake that you've eaten, you can always bake a new cake, but you can't have the exact same slice like the first. Bygones are bygones. Pictures remind us what happened as our memories are often short-lived. A person cannot be forgotten, especially if they are significant in your life. But tiny details are often left out as we live each day anew, creating fresh memories.
Live each moment, love each day, because you can only live one day once.
It it's a bad day, it's a bad day,
If it's a good day, it's a good day,
It still comes to an end. Thus before time is lost, treasure it.
Keep it. Alive.
Pictures upon pictures, hundreds among hundreds of brilliant moments captured,
No words spoken, just the images speaking and conveying meaning.
So, the question is, do you judge people by looking at pictures of their past?
Pictures are just a slice of life. It's like a slice of cake that you've eaten, you can always bake a new cake, but you can't have the exact same slice like the first. Bygones are bygones. Pictures remind us what happened as our memories are often short-lived. A person cannot be forgotten, especially if they are significant in your life. But tiny details are often left out as we live each day anew, creating fresh memories.
Live each moment, love each day, because you can only live one day once.
It it's a bad day, it's a bad day,
If it's a good day, it's a good day,
It still comes to an end. Thus before time is lost, treasure it.
Keep it. Alive.
Sunday, 13 October 2013
Sealed with fate, may the future be bright
It's been a long and exhausting day. Chapters were once again closed, stories neatly tied up with a conclusion. I never expected my love life in Adelaide would amount to anything to be honest, but I am always hoping that I will meet someone who will love me for who I am.
Today I found out that someone did. I was unsure about it and second guessing myself the whole time, thus I am glad that he finally came clean. Like Katy Perry's song 'Hot and Cold', sometimes I knew for sure that he liked me, other times it is very vague and clouded. So turns out that my guess wasn't wrong.
Having a crush on someone is a good feeling, but thinking about it can be really stressful. I am confused about Nesh. I think we're best friends on a platonic relationship but he claims to love me like partners in a romantic relationship. It's very scientific, but platonic and romantic both have the same amount of comfort level and happy chemistry/strong bond, but in this case, I have no idea whether we are best friends or more than friends.
One thing I do know is that I always miss him when he goes missing in action. When he disappears, I always want to call him, get frustrated waiting for his reply, and start to realise I need his company more than just a mere 'friend'. It's all very confusing, that's why I am embarking on a test to find out more about my feelings.
I think he could be 'the one' because we get along without any need for external stimuli and it is so easy to talk to him about anything and everything. He'd even listen to me talking about my family for hours on end on the phone. Currently, I know that he loves me, and I know that I love him, but I am not sure in which way, do I love him like a best friend, or can I actually consider him to be someone I date and stay in a long term relationship with?
The important thing is not to lie. Not to deceive anyone about my feelings, even in this diary entry, the truth has to ring louder than anything, otherwise we'd have a repeat of YiPing's diary episode. I want the truth to unfold. I want the outcome to be beautiful no matter what. I think I already know that I love him, I cannot bear the thought of him leaving me, no longer hearing about his personal secrets, no longer talking to him casually, freely, and all that... Just don't know whether that counts as love. Because I don't know about the kissing part. I mean, I have to be okay with kissing someone if I'm considering dating them in a proper relationship. I am always overthinking and seeing way too far ahead. But no, I won't use him like a pet. After all he's said and done for me, I can't afford to do that. Nothing halfheartedly. Just a simple yes or no.
But there's so much more there is to it than the answer. Just think about the implications and situations. But he said, it will be worth it. Because I'm worth it. Now the question is, is he worth it? Have I finally found someone and suddenly I'm no longer single? To what extent, how far will we go?
Today I found out that someone did. I was unsure about it and second guessing myself the whole time, thus I am glad that he finally came clean. Like Katy Perry's song 'Hot and Cold', sometimes I knew for sure that he liked me, other times it is very vague and clouded. So turns out that my guess wasn't wrong.
Having a crush on someone is a good feeling, but thinking about it can be really stressful. I am confused about Nesh. I think we're best friends on a platonic relationship but he claims to love me like partners in a romantic relationship. It's very scientific, but platonic and romantic both have the same amount of comfort level and happy chemistry/strong bond, but in this case, I have no idea whether we are best friends or more than friends.
One thing I do know is that I always miss him when he goes missing in action. When he disappears, I always want to call him, get frustrated waiting for his reply, and start to realise I need his company more than just a mere 'friend'. It's all very confusing, that's why I am embarking on a test to find out more about my feelings.
I think he could be 'the one' because we get along without any need for external stimuli and it is so easy to talk to him about anything and everything. He'd even listen to me talking about my family for hours on end on the phone. Currently, I know that he loves me, and I know that I love him, but I am not sure in which way, do I love him like a best friend, or can I actually consider him to be someone I date and stay in a long term relationship with?
The important thing is not to lie. Not to deceive anyone about my feelings, even in this diary entry, the truth has to ring louder than anything, otherwise we'd have a repeat of YiPing's diary episode. I want the truth to unfold. I want the outcome to be beautiful no matter what. I think I already know that I love him, I cannot bear the thought of him leaving me, no longer hearing about his personal secrets, no longer talking to him casually, freely, and all that... Just don't know whether that counts as love. Because I don't know about the kissing part. I mean, I have to be okay with kissing someone if I'm considering dating them in a proper relationship. I am always overthinking and seeing way too far ahead. But no, I won't use him like a pet. After all he's said and done for me, I can't afford to do that. Nothing halfheartedly. Just a simple yes or no.
But there's so much more there is to it than the answer. Just think about the implications and situations. But he said, it will be worth it. Because I'm worth it. Now the question is, is he worth it? Have I finally found someone and suddenly I'm no longer single? To what extent, how far will we go?
Thursday, 26 September 2013
The time of our lives
‘You only live once’
Based on that principle, we
should all try to make the most out of our lives, and live it to the fullest
extent. To live, you first have to be alive. And to be fully alive, I have to
be awake!
I’m impressed that I’ve managed
to keep waking up early to go out on outings with my friends. Every time I gain
consciousness, I don’t want to open my eyes. And even when I open my eyes, I
don’t feel like getting out of bed! The overwhelming urge to lie down and keep
my eyes closed is so strong, I let it take over for a while. But then, common
sense came to me. I knew it was now or never. It is either I keep sleeping or
to get out of bed that instant. Right now, before I lose the motivation and
willpower to stay awake.
Waking up in the mornings
has always been a big challenge and one of my bad habits that I can’t seem to
get rid of. But slowly, with good reason, when there is purpose and meaning
behind my action, I take to it. I wake up because I know I will regret if I don’t.
Whether the outcome is good or bad (satisfactory or unsatisfactory) at the end
of the day, it is still worth it to get up early because no one owes me
anything to start a new day. Once I understood that, it was easier to motivate
myself to not dawdle too long and get up for good measure, to do it for myself regardless
of the occasion of the day, whom I am spending it with, simply because it is
the start of a brand new day and another day lived in life.
Although criticism is a blow
to one’s ego, I am learning every day. I hope to get grow and get stronger both
mentally (more disciplined mindset and having a better composure to deal with
things) and physically (my techniques) through karate. I love karate and all
the aspects involved in karate including the fierceness/intensity of sparring
and the calming spiritual effects (body, mind and soul) of the art of karate,
but ironically, I hate repetition. Somehow, it is entirely and completely essential
for the purpose of training and perfection of the techniques. You don’t get
very far if you don’t learn and do it the proper way, the way the technique is
supposed to be executed. Only when you can execute the technique properly and
correctly (as flawlessly as possible), then you can be considered as having
mastered the technique.
‘You’ll never grow if you don’t take risks’
At this stage, I have
learned many techniques and blocks but I don’t think I have truly mastered any
of them. Paul just commented on my punches (correcting my fist and knuckles
positioning) while Sensei Victor corrected my maigeri (how the knee should be
raised higher and the kick reaching longer). Talking about karate the whole day
and training again at night is so unexpectedly fun and enjoyable! My first road
trip with Anastasia turned out to be a karate trip, with Tutu alongside as
well, makes it even more fun! And the fact that there was only the three of us
in another car, I am so glad, it is beyond words to express my gratitude at how
things turned out.
I might have exaggerated
myself at times and made myself believe I was in more pain and sorrow than I
really was, when perhaps all I needed was a change of pace, a change of company
and a change of environment/atmosphere. Even if it is a brief period of time, I
never would have thought that I ended up as a people person, with such nice
friends who got my back covered. I mean, each and every one of them has a busy
life, and they can’t afford to be with me a lot of the time, but it is when
there are with me, the short happy period makes up for everything they’ve
missed, and the fact that they still concern themselves with me. Getting
companionship, a listening ear, a caring heart makes me treasure the moments
even more because I know that is not’s often that we can come into contact. No
one would totally, at a whim, go out of their way for something that wasn’t
convenient, and I don’t expect them to, but I felt like, in a short time, I
manage to develop that chemistry with people (although the bond is not really
deep and I don’t know them well completely). We don’t always talk about
ourselves, but we discover ourselves and our friends’ quirks, traits,
uniqueness, personalities, habits, attitudes, preferences even more when we
hang out together. It doesn’t happen frequently so every time I get to hang out
with a friend, I feel privileged that they take time off their schedules for
me.
Of course, there’s always
on-and-offs and intervals where I just get annoyed at a person or don’t see eye
to eye with them. I then either distance myself and keep them at arm’s length,
phase them out nearly completely or let things be natural and get in touch with
them again when they’re ready.
If there’s anything that I
learnt today (there are a number of things actually) is to: accept criticism
with a positive attitude, really listen and tune in to what the sempais are
telling me, and only go on road trips with people you can click with. It’s a
lot easier when you have common ground to start with, and then branch out to
other random things to chat about. And also about the approachability of the
person and the way they communicate to others. I was really, truly happy about
today’s group that went, as the session was intimate enough yet still humorous,
witty, captivating, exciting and relaxing all at once. Morning shopping and
munching on snacks in the car, sips of wine and coffee for breakfast
overlooking the valleys, scenic drive through the meadows filled with sheep and
lambs, western lunch with a cute waiter and good food (lamb soup). Not one
thing was out of place! The smoothest trip I’ve ever taken in ages with any
friends/acquaintances! Also, in small groups like this (especially with nice
people like Anna and Sensei Sarven), I find that I can express myself better,
keep up and contribute to the conversation- which went amazingly well! And it
was so interesting that I couldn’t stop interrupting to voice out my relevant
opinions and ask heaps of questions about karate, it was really enlightening
and wonderful to listen to them sharing their experiences!
I have the best sensei in
the world, osu, I’m honoured! And also really thankful that I ended up in
shito-ryu karate (the best of all styles) without even knowing it! After seeing how Paul turned out to be such a
good student, I think the goal is not
to impress sensei (although I bristle with pride every time I receive a praise
or approval from sensei/sempai), but instead,
to maintain an excellent standard of practice for myself. As Sensei Victor
said, to push myself more and train harder, because our body is capable and (the
muscle is) only able to develop when we train it properly. To put it in a
nutshell, (unless you’re at risk of putting strain or injury to the
muscles/body), always do what you’re supposed to do and don’t be lazy. Also,
keep a calm mind, relax! Don’t tense too much and overthink, follow it through
with the movements of your body. Do it with a focused intent, carry the
technique with strength and power, clear out confusion, really listen to sensei’s
instructions instead of blurrily staring at the sempais. And I should be
alrightJ
Besides, Simon is back again! Hurray! Another higher rank to train with, to
make the kumite appear as realistic as possible, that’s awesome! I honestly
thought I would never see him again if he’s out of karate for good, so I’m so,
so, glad that he’s back! His smile lights up the dojo, and it’s always a
pleasure to train with him although he always go full power, full strength! He
was hilarious to watch when he was trying to go full speed against Paul!
Today has been one of the
most rewarding days of training! Really didn’t expect to end up where I am
right now! Had no idea what was in store when I first joined karate! But yes, I
am glad I did. Although some days of training are duller than the others, I
will persevere. I guess the word ‘boring’ should be thrown out of the window as
the only reason why I would think it is boring is because I didn’t get worked
hard enough. If I really concentrate on doing the techniques accurately instead
of just lazily going through it for the sake of the warm-up, I reckon I would
get more out of it (and gain more control over mind discipline and focus). Not
entirely pleasant (as you can’t entirely avoid those embarrassing mistakes,
minor flaws, critique and criticism), but it has been a worthwhile journey so
far. Embrace it and work on it! Osu!
Monday, 16 September 2013
Short encounters, lasting impressions
Live for the moment because everything else is uncertain! This is what youth is all about! Also, remember that you have the power to shape your own destiny.
With that motto in mind, I jumped at any opportunities to explore, discover, make new friends, and push myself further by encountering different situations and meeting/dealing with new people. With Anastasia not around, it gave me a chance to mingle and brace myself to socialise even more than I normally would.
Sandy's take on life is very refreshing and amazingly simple: just do what you want and don't let anyone hold you back. The only people you should be accountable for are your parents. I've always thought of her as a bimbo (empty, fun-loving party girl), but I see that now she is actually a very smart girl because she can make firm decisions on her life choices and is easily a social butterfly who is not shy to use her contacts to get her what she wants. I think I agree on certain viewpoints, but am not quite yet bold enough to make any drastic changes at the moment.
I'll need to have a think about it. Update my resume, get a Linkedin account set up when I graduate, and figure out other stuff, such as my passions (serious hobbies that I can make a living off) and my plan to settle (which country to settle for short-term work, to settle down for good, should I be saving money to travel, etc.) That Chris guy who gave the talk was a random high school dropout, who by chance and luck, managed to set up his own company with some effort. Note that he still had to go to uni although he kind of bragged about not finishing high school! I mean, high school is not that hard really, it's uni that takes the cake, because of important, important decisions all the way!
I admire Wayne more than Chris because he had one thing that is rare and what most people lacked: vision. An 8-year-old isn't supposed to be mature and wise yet. I don't know whether he had a normal childhood but it seems he turned out alright and now sets himself apart because he is already doing better than everyone else and have a stable income and bright future. It tires me out when I compare myself to these business students, because really, I have no idea how to do the stuff that they do. I'd hate to start anything from scratch because I don't have the skills/knowledge and expertise, I'd be happy to be on the support team, but with a worthy position and cause to work for so that I don't get bored.
I think that I get bored easily. The camp activities were alright, some worse off than the others in the way it was designed and executed. My favourites were the Getting Through The String Wall challenge as it worked our brains hard, and also the Throw Ice Cream Stick game because I came up with an ingenious idea that got us back on track as we were the losing team. I'm actually amazed by my own initiative to take charge, be enthusiastic and outgoing, because all that time, I had been quite calm and reserved, I don't whether I still had it in me to get people all fired up and motivated to go. My team was very responsive to my suggestions and ideas, it gave me an opportunity to shine and being able to guide my team along (even when we were at the end of our wits) was a great feeling. Because we share the feelings of winning and losing together, we feel incredibly bonded. And when things went better than planned, we felt really happy and grateful. I also loved the fact that Wesley was so encouraging and forgiving, although sometimes he seemed stressed.
Not surprisingly, the reason I love my team so much is because of Wesley and the whole Minion theme.Wesley is another Er Whey-type, who is incredibly nice, incredibly friendly, incredibly smart and a people person. I think that I will always have a strong liking (call it a crush if you would) for this type of guys, since after all, they are my type. Sadly, I found out that he is not available and already promised to the beautiful Amanda. I am just glad that he is in my team and that we had fun together! It feels good to be accepted by someone you like (even though they can't belong to you).
Luckily, my group and I had a good chemistry- I was always myself around them. There were lots of people at the camp and some of them just turned me off, it was an instant dislike thing for no real good reason. Among the list is Peilin. Compared to Cyndy, I've always felt that Peilin is icy friendly instead of warm friendly. I don't know how to get along with her and I'm not interested either. Kevin (Wesley's bestie) is another oddball. I can't quite understand what he's trying to express. He claims to be a people person yet I don't find his personality particularly appealing or instantly likeable, he was just ok.
It's all good though. Besides the life lessons that I learned, this camp also established some contacts for me and brought me closer to the circle of Your Culture My Culture, Kangaroo Island, and City West business school people. A lot of them are involved in one activity or another so I think this won't be the last time I'm seeing them unless they're graduating end of this year. I guess none of them would end up becoming my real friend but I would be happy to run into them at events and we'll all do the casual meet-and-greets.
With that motto in mind, I jumped at any opportunities to explore, discover, make new friends, and push myself further by encountering different situations and meeting/dealing with new people. With Anastasia not around, it gave me a chance to mingle and brace myself to socialise even more than I normally would.
Sandy's take on life is very refreshing and amazingly simple: just do what you want and don't let anyone hold you back. The only people you should be accountable for are your parents. I've always thought of her as a bimbo (empty, fun-loving party girl), but I see that now she is actually a very smart girl because she can make firm decisions on her life choices and is easily a social butterfly who is not shy to use her contacts to get her what she wants. I think I agree on certain viewpoints, but am not quite yet bold enough to make any drastic changes at the moment.
I'll need to have a think about it. Update my resume, get a Linkedin account set up when I graduate, and figure out other stuff, such as my passions (serious hobbies that I can make a living off) and my plan to settle (which country to settle for short-term work, to settle down for good, should I be saving money to travel, etc.) That Chris guy who gave the talk was a random high school dropout, who by chance and luck, managed to set up his own company with some effort. Note that he still had to go to uni although he kind of bragged about not finishing high school! I mean, high school is not that hard really, it's uni that takes the cake, because of important, important decisions all the way!
I admire Wayne more than Chris because he had one thing that is rare and what most people lacked: vision. An 8-year-old isn't supposed to be mature and wise yet. I don't know whether he had a normal childhood but it seems he turned out alright and now sets himself apart because he is already doing better than everyone else and have a stable income and bright future. It tires me out when I compare myself to these business students, because really, I have no idea how to do the stuff that they do. I'd hate to start anything from scratch because I don't have the skills/knowledge and expertise, I'd be happy to be on the support team, but with a worthy position and cause to work for so that I don't get bored.
I think that I get bored easily. The camp activities were alright, some worse off than the others in the way it was designed and executed. My favourites were the Getting Through The String Wall challenge as it worked our brains hard, and also the Throw Ice Cream Stick game because I came up with an ingenious idea that got us back on track as we were the losing team. I'm actually amazed by my own initiative to take charge, be enthusiastic and outgoing, because all that time, I had been quite calm and reserved, I don't whether I still had it in me to get people all fired up and motivated to go. My team was very responsive to my suggestions and ideas, it gave me an opportunity to shine and being able to guide my team along (even when we were at the end of our wits) was a great feeling. Because we share the feelings of winning and losing together, we feel incredibly bonded. And when things went better than planned, we felt really happy and grateful. I also loved the fact that Wesley was so encouraging and forgiving, although sometimes he seemed stressed.
Not surprisingly, the reason I love my team so much is because of Wesley and the whole Minion theme.Wesley is another Er Whey-type, who is incredibly nice, incredibly friendly, incredibly smart and a people person. I think that I will always have a strong liking (call it a crush if you would) for this type of guys, since after all, they are my type. Sadly, I found out that he is not available and already promised to the beautiful Amanda. I am just glad that he is in my team and that we had fun together! It feels good to be accepted by someone you like (even though they can't belong to you).
Luckily, my group and I had a good chemistry- I was always myself around them. There were lots of people at the camp and some of them just turned me off, it was an instant dislike thing for no real good reason. Among the list is Peilin. Compared to Cyndy, I've always felt that Peilin is icy friendly instead of warm friendly. I don't know how to get along with her and I'm not interested either. Kevin (Wesley's bestie) is another oddball. I can't quite understand what he's trying to express. He claims to be a people person yet I don't find his personality particularly appealing or instantly likeable, he was just ok.
It's all good though. Besides the life lessons that I learned, this camp also established some contacts for me and brought me closer to the circle of Your Culture My Culture, Kangaroo Island, and City West business school people. A lot of them are involved in one activity or another so I think this won't be the last time I'm seeing them unless they're graduating end of this year. I guess none of them would end up becoming my real friend but I would be happy to run into them at events and we'll all do the casual meet-and-greets.
Saturday, 17 August 2013
Stepping out...
...of my comfort zone, that is. Now, I think I overthink things a lot, especially about my relationship with people. I just worry myself endlessly for no reason and think about those people I appreciate, while at the same time, wonder if they care about me at all. It's a depressing situation to be in and it's bad because I can't really control it. The only way I can sort things out is to put things in two categories- things I can control and things I can't control (by Taylor Swift). I can't control what people think about me, how they feel about me, what they are going to say about me, but I can control the way I behave, the way I speak or extent of my socialization. I guess I'm more upset about the things I can't control and also about the way I present myself- whether I've made a big blunder, made myself look stupid and also always feeling bad whenever I explain my insecurities/weaknesses and getting mocked for it (whether jokingly or not- it still affects me).
It is actually a very complex mixture of emotions to be alone with two Australians- one girl and one guy. The emotions are overwhelming- I feel nervous, insecure, yet excited and happy, but ultimately I keep trying to blab as much as I can to keep myself 'interesting' to them. I don't know why I do that though. Sometimes I feel like I'm trying too hard to fit in, but I feel uncomfortable when I can't relate to what they're talking about or when I can't find something to say, to fit myself somewhere in the conversation. Anastasia is still a good friend- but now that she has a smartphone and someone she is seeing, I am left to fend for myself and I have to use all my conversational capabilities to appear apparent and present in the room. Australian humour is basically sarcasm and poking fun at each other, I know that they're probably joking, but I don't know how to respond appropriately. Thankfully, the first housemate James is not hard to get along with. I can talk to him reasonably well, except for some silently awkward pauses where Ana keeps on playing with her phone, it was overall fine. Well, he did say not to worry about how I appear to him and Ana, and he encouraged me to let go of my stress by drinking and not caring about what sort of impression of condition I present to them.
Getting a drinks invitation from an Aussie (although I don't know whether he was serious or not) is quite nerve wracking. Because it is a drinking-in-a-bar instead of clubbing, I can't really get away with anything. The thought of having to sit and socialize for long hours with Aussies whom I don't fully comprehend and mingle with gives me a bit of a pressure. It's not exactly like I can just dance and ignore the people around me when I did in clubbing. In clubbing, there's barely any talking at all, just drink a little and dance a lot. I guess this is really called immersing myself into the Australian culture- by drinking with them and doing so without a care in the world, without a thought in the moment, just like how they would do it.
Anyways, I'm still surprised that I can upset so easily, by minor issues with different people. I wouldn't be who I am if I don't express myself so honestly in conversations, keep hurt feelings and dissatisfaction to myself and obsess about it in the most unhappiest way, but I know that this is damaging to the soul, so what I do is to try to get over it as quickly as possible within the next meeting. And this helps as I let the present situation/interaction wash over and fade out the bad memories from previous interactions. When I'm feeling used and confused and miserable, I just isolate the notion of friendship- the fact that: friends are supposed to put in effort to want to know about how you're doing and care about you instead of only one way, you treating them well all the time, being alert to their needs and being a listening ear- when I've lost faith in friendship, I just think about it as a connection- one that is within reach but being constantly connected to and disconnected to. It is a good metaphor- there are always more than one person (connection) in range and depending on the circumstances, you could connect and disconnect with one person as easily as you establish a connection with another new person- and eventually disconnect it again. When things don't work out and I'm tired of expecting people to be nice to me and actually care about me just because I do the same, I apply this concept of 'connection' being temporary and switched on and off depending on circumstances. Just like connections, friendships aren't always stable and your will has nothing to do with it when it decides to disconnect all of a sudden. Your only choice is to wait for the connection to be reestablished, or to move on and seek another connection. Either way, it's good to always have a line-up ready, and never be someone's Plan B because it feels like crap.
Also I discovered that I get annoyed more easily when I feel like someone is making me feel worthless (even if that wasn't their intention), and when someone is not really paying full attention, I feel like I'm not important enough to even hold their attention. Also when they do things that aren't fair to me. I just get really hurt or pissed off or sad even but I've got nowhere to rant because I'm scared the person listening can't really understand how I feel and why I feel that way. Passive listening won't do any good and I realize (I don't know if that's a good thing or not), I tend to want to talk to other people about other people around me. I hate being put on the spot, being made fun of at my inabilities, being unimportant, being 'out' of the social group.
I have plenty of grouses, tears and fears, but at this stage at the time, I can say I've really experienced much more than I would have when I begin my first semester here. Being in my 20's is really fun, I should be more carefree that I am now, so that I can live life, try new things, don't hold back doing anything solely because of my fears. Yes, I remind myself every now and then that, she is Australian, her friends are Australian, where do I stand? This problem only appears when I'm trying to mingle with non-Asians around Anastasia, as she integrates herself alongside with them seamlessly while she's busy talking to them, I'm lost and trying to find a way to fit in. With her alone and perhaps one other Australian, the challenge is downsized and a lot more manageable. I'm looking forward to being in a house alone with three Australians. I hope that I can socialize well and don't feel left out or out of it or being awfully boring or awfully quiet.
I'm being too hard on myself, but that's only because I'm trying to push against my limits. Today, it made me really aware that I should not be hesitant or too laid back with my speech, I need to control it to the point where the pronunciation is accurate and clear, while keeping the tone light. It's a lot to think about, but I better work on it now than be a laughing stock again. And consistently train my brain to speak in a non-Malaysian accent even when I'm with Malaysians. It takes a huge amount of effort for getting nothing in return. Surprisingly, I can do it automatically with some people (Cathy for example) when her accent inspires me to speak as clearly as possible. I know that if I don't keep control of it, I become very tongue-tied and hesitant even when I need to express a short sentence- the reason why I couldn't say it straight to their face even though it was a simple 'good day mate', I felt humiliated and embarrassed when two Australians ask me to say it right before their faces. Obviously I won't try to imitate an Australian accent in front of an Aussie, but I felt so flustered and afraid that I messed it up and spoke really off-tone and timidly. I still find Australian males (or any Western males) really intimidating especially when I have to hold a full, long convo with them when I don't know them and we've got nothing in common or any mutual topics to start off.
I'm not sure whether all these 'people skills' will come in time, since I don't get much 'exposure', I can't get any 'training' either, thus the only thing I can do is to keep myself mentally prepared and be very aware of how I'm saying what I'm saying. It's ridiculous how much time I spent mulling about theses things that are unimportant, yet which I feel like it has a big impact on my current social life. While it may or may not be able to help me out in sticky situations, these things are important in the long run anyway, so I might as well start learning lessons now from these chilled, laid-back people rather than getting hit and falling down hard, losing face in society. The way I try to see it is- having people around and interacting with them (regardless of the outcome- bonding, friendship or the conversation- impressions, things being talked about) is always good as you learn things about other people- their personalities, habits, attitudes, preferences- as well as learn things about yourself that you need to work on and improve.
Looking back at my posts, I was terribly afraid that I would have no friends when I come to Australia. Now, I still have the same intensity of fear but around a different focus on the same issue- managing these friendships and my own feelings about these so-called friends. Quite simply, I am lucky that I can make plans to hang out with somebody over the weekends and that I can always keep myself busy by taking part in social activities if the opportunity is available to me. To keep myself occupied, having enough work to do and a few friends to hang out with is essentially enough fuel to keep my life interesting and packed.
“Happiness isn't a constant. You get fleeting glimpses. You have to fight for those moments, but they make it all worth it.”
“You have to be happy with who you are and the choices you make. If you don't like yourself, you'll never be truly happy.”
Saturday, 10 August 2013
Who Am I?
Not a very disciplined person, at this moment. Well, I am supposed to be setting up another blog to do with my Comm and Org readings, but I haven't actually started. But I must say I have a good excuse. Lately, my socializing with friends/acquaintances have been increasing, to the point where it leaves me little extra time to do my assignment. I actually have to make friendship-based choices, obligation-based choices, instead of purely interest-based choices. Lots of tiny conflicts in my heart, but as the saying goes 'no pain, no gain' or 'nothing ventured, nothing gained', the slight depressing feeling that I got yesterday was completely wiped out by the wonderful outcome of today. Or I guess I'm just really lucky that everything turned out so well.
Either way, now I have choices of who I want to hang out with. It's a very complex situation really, to want to make time for your friends, the real friends that you not only care about, but want to hang out with. It's just bizzare that I am way more comfortable, relaxed, chatty/happy when socializing with Anastasia compared to a whole bunch of other Malaysians whom I won't name. I've been growing closer with Anastasia while getting completely out of tune with Cathy. I like Germaine but dislike Kye. Same thing, I'm ok with Serena but I completely don't care about Evelyn. And it's weird when Anastasia starts to get involved with my Malaysian friends. I don't know how I feel about the whole gang (which I don't really feel included in) getting to hang out with her. Just a select few are ok, but not the whole bunch. I really hope things go well, I'll just learn to be more sociable and hopefully get to meet Anastasia's housemates. I'm hoping they're as nice and friendly as her. But sometimes, there is a huge barrier- even when the other person is friendly and nice, I still can't find things to talk about with them. That happens even with the best people, I really like Caryn and SheyWei, but I mean, we just don't have anything to talk about.
I was really glad today that I went to karate on Thursday night. Now I know that I made the right decision, no matter how hard it was. Sometimes doing the right thing doesn't feel right at all during that crucial moment, as my brain will always want to seek solace and find the comfort zone when it comes to doing things.
Which explains what kind of person I really am. This is so accurate and helpful right now. Although now all I really need to think about is my assignment, but I'll get there in the end. So... this is who I am.
Either way, now I have choices of who I want to hang out with. It's a very complex situation really, to want to make time for your friends, the real friends that you not only care about, but want to hang out with. It's just bizzare that I am way more comfortable, relaxed, chatty/happy when socializing with Anastasia compared to a whole bunch of other Malaysians whom I won't name. I've been growing closer with Anastasia while getting completely out of tune with Cathy. I like Germaine but dislike Kye. Same thing, I'm ok with Serena but I completely don't care about Evelyn. And it's weird when Anastasia starts to get involved with my Malaysian friends. I don't know how I feel about the whole gang (which I don't really feel included in) getting to hang out with her. Just a select few are ok, but not the whole bunch. I really hope things go well, I'll just learn to be more sociable and hopefully get to meet Anastasia's housemates. I'm hoping they're as nice and friendly as her. But sometimes, there is a huge barrier- even when the other person is friendly and nice, I still can't find things to talk about with them. That happens even with the best people, I really like Caryn and SheyWei, but I mean, we just don't have anything to talk about.
I was really glad today that I went to karate on Thursday night. Now I know that I made the right decision, no matter how hard it was. Sometimes doing the right thing doesn't feel right at all during that crucial moment, as my brain will always want to seek solace and find the comfort zone when it comes to doing things.
Which explains what kind of person I really am. This is so accurate and helpful right now. Although now all I really need to think about is my assignment, but I'll get there in the end. So... this is who I am.
All these are quite true and reflects well on me, but I am always a different person in front of a different person. Towards acquaintances that I don't care much about, I am just polite and disinterested, keeping things to a general view, and towards people who are a bit closer, talking to and treating everyone is different.
With the trait of star sign Scorpio, I get jealous easily and get gloomy easily, but with the right company, I'm very relaxed, happy and chatty or all smiley. The problem with Scorpio is that we get attached to people easily. I fear putting all the eggs in one basket, but sometimes I value the person so much that I have no choice but to want to get closer to them and put all my trust and friendship in that person.
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