Lucky to be alive

Inevitably, there came a day where I spent an entire in, all by myself. Today, for the first time, I was having a long quiet time (without any emotional stress), thinking, pondering and reflecting on what I had become. All the packed schedule- from gym, classes, karate, socializing with my partner and friends, assignments- the pillars of which I had based myself upon, all withdrew and I was momentarily left alone. Left alone with a book called 'What Colour Is Your Parachute'.

I must admit that because I wanted to live what seem like a fullfilled life (or purposeful routine in this case), I saturated my schedule so that I had no time to waste. I realised however, once the book talked to me, it all became clear. Everything. Everything- from your job hunt to family, love life, friends and career- all depended on yourself. What you make of yourself. What you see in yourself. What you want yourself to become capable of being.

Everyone has a dream. To make it big. To go somewhere, to be somebody, to gain their way into some top company or start their own. It makes me quite ashamed to admit that despite the wonderful person that everyone sees me as, deep down inside, I am still the lazy bum teenage girl that I was all those years ago, just wanting to be peaceful, be contented, be happy. A whole day doing nothing brings this inner self of mine straight up to the surface. 

Suddenly, I remember spending those 'me time' everyday at Lorne Avenue, where my lifeline was actually my journey as a white belt karate-ka and my journey of falling in love for the first time. I looked back and realised that (with the Malaysian bunch around as well), those fresh beginnings of the two journey that I embarked on was what kept me extremely motivated, what kept me going day to day, and it was something I look forward to as well. 

A year later, I no longer eagerly practise karate at home everyday in front of the mirror. But yet again, God has been kind to me. Against everyone's wishes, I attend these expensive gym classes that are totally satisfying workouts. I keep up with karate. I keep up with my real friends. I spent the day with Nesh everyday, watching him loving me from the depths of his heart, understanding him and myself more as we go through ups and downs. All the cards have been placed in my hands. I have a lover, trusted friends (who are also mentors and advisors), beloved sister and family, interesting personalities as housemates. I was no longer alone. 

Would it be hard to start fresh? Would it be hard to part ways? Would it be selfish of me to stay? Would it be selfish of me to leave? Then today, I remember that since I have all the cards in my hands, I must play my part to keep up. Irrelevant things always get phased out at the end of the day. If I don't continue to seek to refine my character (one of the principles of karate is refinement of character!), work harder and keep seeking challenges, my intellectual abilities will part and fall away to nothing. 

Thus, it is hard not to, but starting from now, I have to remind myself, not to be complacent. Make use of my current circumstances. Remember the green envy that everyone showed to your face when you said you were going overseas? Yes, I shall remember that. People like Ray came all the way here to make a good living, train themselves through education to put food on the table. And I am merely contemplating my life choices as though nothing depended on it. 

There is not much time left before the big decision has to be made. If I stay, there has to be a reason. It can't just be for Nesh. It can't just be because I can't bear not seeing him anymore. If I choose to stay, it means at the very least, that I want to forge a living here. Get educated, yes, but more importantly get professional working experience. The journey begins again, right now. Let's look forward to everyday life again, with passion and dedication. It's not just another new day waking up in bed, it's another new day in Australia! 

Love, love is a feeling that you fear

Under the surface we're all just the same

Follow me darling, for you I'll be brave

Love, love is a feeling that you fear

I won't let you go when your world's in the dark

You can keep borrowing my heart
Even your fear won't keep us apart
You can keep borrowing, borrowing my heart.

****************************************************

Fate has spoken, God has chosen.
Me to be the one, destined for him.
So I won't let you go, I'll work on it dear.
You can keep staying in, staying in my world.
Of all the things that, I hold dear to me
You will be the one, so make it right for me.

Turmoil

So I'm driving a car that has its tyres punctured. I really love this car, and I want to keep driving it, but until the tyres are fixed, there is absolutely nowhere I can go. Until the car is fixed, I can't drive it.

Fixing it is no small matter however, it is not about changing the tyres. Because the problem is not so much with the car, but with the attitude of its driver. The way the driver drives forces the car to push itself to the limits, all the time, no wonder this happened, it is bound to break down with all this ongoing onslaught.

My ongoing onslaught of emotions. He's taking it all graciously without so much of a complaint. My rage. My annoyance. My unhappiness. My loneliness. My sadness. My anxiety. My worries. My fears. My insecurities. It is all about me, me, me. Never much about him. No wonder he says, 'I wish you'd try to understand me'. I do. I do understand him. But I just failed to act on my understanding. I wasn't compelled to act on my understanding. My heart rules over reason. Even though I had a list of 'do's and don'ts', it was an ultimate failure. I ended up doing everything else the opposite way, ending up doing everything that I wasn't supposed to do.

What else is between us now. Every time he's around, when we're being all cute and cuddly, I am blissfully happy. Every moment else was just me complaining. He didn't touch me, he didn't kiss me, he didn't hold my hand, he didn't pay attention to me, he didn't look at me when I was talking, he talked to his friends. All the time I was reciting 'friends, freedom and an analysed life' but I just couldn't stand it. The key ingredients of what makes a man happy, if applied to him, would probably make him just as happy, but I wouldn't be happy. That meant, automatically, that our relationship was going downhill.

Obviously, I would be unhappy if he's unhappy. Or worse, like today, I would be very upset if he was very upset/angry at a certain thing. His mood just affects me automatically. However, it is really damaging and I don't know how I ever ended up becoming like this- that when he is happy about certain things, I am unhappy or jealous or unsatisfied. It could be simple things, things that a normal guy needs to do- like talking to his female friends, being online for a long time (doing whatever he pleases like checking the news), and mostly just paying his undivided attention to the things that make him happy, I would feel really neglected and unhappy. Jeez, am I having a psychological issue or what. Like the only thing that makes me 100% happy is his touch, his caressing, and when he's all warm and fuzzy, calling me bunny and giving me sweet kisses.

Physical. He used to say he's a 'very physical person'. In the short span of time, he's not that physical anymore. My favourite part of the relationship- the romance, the passion, the mystery (trying to understand and solve his inner problems- strange dreams etc.) are gone. But more importantly, the chemistry.

Gone are the days when I can read him, and make him feel completely awed and impressed. 'Wow, how is it that you understand me so well? It's like I've known you from another life'. The long, meaningful phone conversations, where I'd hide in my room talking to him for many hours, about the things he faced in the past, his inner demons. Whatever that was troubling him, I had all the solution/advice, because I could 'read' him. Because I could put myself in his shoes, for real. Without even knowing him that well, I put myself into all the situations- the misery, the pain, the sadness, the mistakes, and he listened to every word like it was made of gold. Precious, our connection was, and so strong that it felt almost spiritual and surreal. At that moment, I felt empowered. I was encouraging and helping him along the way, even if it was something that happened in his past- I cared, a great deal. Was it because I wasn't his girlfriend? Him talking about his ex for a prolonged period didn't make me feel jealous or wanting to cry. I just wanted to understand, I just wanted to listen, I just wanted to help and give everything I could think of because I wanted to do so. Being involved in all the private matters of his heart was my own choice. Even when he was talking about some girl that he fancies (Ina), some attractive young female lecturer, some Japanese girl that he dated, it didn't matter. I was the willing audience. At that time, I remember, it was an honour. I was always happy because he shared. And I cared.

Nowadays, our conversations are focused on him trying to explain things to me. He's taking the rein, teaching me instead, about the world, the truth, the reality. I listen, but I can't reciprocate (unless it's to pepper him with dumb questions because I don't know a single thing). So I listen, I ask questions about things that have no emotional significance to us (our bond). Things that are educational for me but doesn't do much for me. I have no insights to offer, no 'expert' deep opinion, thoughts or commentary, nothing of value to add on to what he's saying. My words are just words, words that you can listen and forget about later. Not words made out of gold anymore. In the past, I didn't realise that a simple comment (about him) that I made would press on his mind for hours, a day or two, until he finally asks me, 'What did you mean that day when said _____ about me/what my ex said/etc...'

Nothing touching, compelling, awe-inspiring that I could share anymore. And he tunes out when I talk about my routine life. Understandably, talking about Jolin or my friends gets old. But when I talk at length, it would be called a 'rant', and I would be so afraid and conscious that I was 'ranting', I hesitate to talk. He cancelled that 'rant' rule later on, but whenever I talk at length, I always feel compelled to ask him 'Are you listening?' several times and it would drive him nuts. I wondered why it takes him so much effort to listen, to stay focused on what I'm saying. Then I remembered sadly, because the things I talk about are boring. This is a whole new era from the past where in the conversations, everything I said mattered to him, and at least made sense to our relationship.

Not having conversational chemistry just sucks. We can't go back to talking about things we talk about in the past, and currently we don't have any topics that relate deeply (even emotionally) to the BOTH of us at the same time AND boosts our mutual happy feelings/relationship. We talk about the future sometimes, but it's pointless to go there, when it's clearly something out of our control.

What to do when you can't 'click' with the one you love? When you fail miserably at communication despite being a communication student? When the craving for affection and lust comes rolling in all at once? When he says 'I love you' and you love him just as much but nobody told you that- love doesn't conquer all if there's no connection/no chemistry?