Social circle

I don't like it when I interact with so little people that, when I am resting in sedentary moments, all I can remember is the interaction with these few particular people, whom my existence means nothing to them. Of course, I see them on a regular basis, they see me on a regular basis, but the relationship stops there. Circumstances would not allow it to go deeper, and since everyone has their own lives, it would be hard not to mention uncomfortable to push it further than that. I am at the point where I am sick of making small talk with the people whom I already know. If I know you, I just want to get personal straightaway, to place my foot down as a friend. But no, Aussies are different, they don't let you in at all, and all they do is be freaking friendly yet not let any personal bond develop. It frustrates me to no end.

Because I hadn't had to go through this with Asian friends. Asians- we're very open people, and it feels good just to talk. And to listen maybe. I'll listen in because you are pouring me the details of your life- it is a very intimate feeling- listening to someone sharing about their life, opinions, and troubles, or plans about the future. All that is much more satisfying than to try to rack your brains to come up with topics for making small talk. It is as though you run out of things to say quickly, not because you have nothing to share, but because you are unsure of what you can share with them, what is allowed to be said, and in truth, what they bother hearing/wanting to know about you.

It is very gratifying to know that a random guy I chatted with at the airport defies the Aussie stereotype. He was polite, but everything else about the conversation immediately turn into a deep sharing session- it makes me feel more at ease- listening to each other's stories and secrets. It is so much more welcome than making small talk without knowing what is appropriate to share. I am really not sure how much of this is considered a real problem- maybe it is just me = = Not sure if anyone else had this problem. Above all, I was secretly happy that when I let myself be interviewed by Ben, he was actually working out what he wanted to know about me most- so the questions he actually formulated them with a goal in mind- to discover more about me. That's really really fun, and just maybe in due time, I'll return him the favour, but as of now, there is really nothing worth finding out about him since he is just a very comfortable friend and not someone I am attracted to.

Other Aussies unfortunately, I still can't open myself to them because I feel like they don't deserve it- they have nothing on me because they haven't earned it at all! I am not going to share with someone who doesn't care about what I'm saying, I want feedback and proper listeners, thus sharing with such acquaintances about my background is a waste. Above all, I just realize that I hate being ignored because when I can't keep up with the conversation, I just sit there like an idiot and smile politely. That's the best I can do! Because you're not tactful enough to include me in the conversation, thus I'll keep my silence since I'm not part of it. 

Everything gets dull and on my nerves after a while. At first, everything is so fresh and exciting, and I find all the perspectives seemingly new and intriguing, but when the dust has settled, you know that you already grasp the basic knowledge of it, everything else is just icing on the cake. Well, I am not a person who achieves perfection in one thing solely, I actually prefer being the jack of all trades and master of none. It is because when you are perfecting something solely over a period of time, it loses its charm and you wonder why you even set foot on it to begin with. As opposed to trying a bunch of different new things, it is so delightful and after struggling to nail down the basics, you might want to deepen the knowledge or move on to try something else.

As of now, I have perfected Junino Kata Ichiban and all the blocks/punches that they do in every single class, I feel like the only exciting part is when we do a bit of sparring and stuff- not too keen on take-downs either. Maybe I'm just a non-violent person who doesn't actually like hitting people, and being hit for that matter! I hate it when someone pulls my hair and I have to fight back in that position. I can be aggressive if I want to, but when I don't want to, I just lose the motivation for doing the techniques properly. I'll just get on with it and hold it out until we move on to the next technique. I think that personally I have been involving myself way too much in karate, that I wonder whether I'll lose my nerves and begin hating it, or have I assimilated it into part of my routine now? It will be so weird when I go MIA for a while, I don't know what will happen later.

The thing about being MIA is that you don't know if you actually have the courage to come back and face people again after disappearing for such a  long time. And you wonder whether your presence mattered at all. What difference does it make whether I'm here or not? Whether I'm here or there, it's just less one person, is that it? I sincerely hope not. I want to make a difference and a change and be recognized in the society/community, even if it is just a small circle. I would want my presence to be felt. Does that mean I have to be more pronounced and more assertive? I don't want to disappear and fade away, but of course I know that life is too short to keep pleasing people who don't give a damn about you! If I mean nothing to them, why bother? I should make it as though they mean nothing to me too, but of course, being me, every person I meet has a little impact on me, even though for them, it might have been an out of sight, out of mind situation.

I know one place that won't make me feel empty, it is when I am with my family. I belong with them, my little sister especially, and my younger brother. It is always I who talk them through things going on with their life and their little musings. It is the role of an older sister that I play with pride. As for other roles, I am not too certain what value is placed upon them. I know that I am a student until I graduate (which is a scary, scary thing to think about at the moment), but I don't know anyone who needs me. Everyone else seem to be doing fine without me, without my care and concern. I would want somebody to lavish this love, care and concern on, and I know that previously, the person who needed it the most would have been Mom, but now besides Dad and the siblings, what role do I play in someone's life?

I want to be significant and magnificent. And I hope that day will come soon. When someone realize what a great person I am, and how grateful the person is to have me around, I will truly cherish all the things I can do for them. As my housemate puts it, 'A little gratitude goes a long way'. When your efforts are recognized or appreciated, you feel on top of the world! Who wouldn't? But moments like this are rare, because it is the truest form of gratitude and often, people are forgetful and careless. They have no idea the little things they do or don't do will end up ruining someone's perfect day. With that said, because I don't owe anything to anyone, I don't have to suck it up to them and I can do whatever I feel like doing- whatever I wanted to. I guess it is a stupid idea to ask/request/beg/demand for someone's time and attention if they don't even have the thought of wanting to spend time with you. What gives? There is no need to put them in a high-and-mighty position to see if they can fit you in to their schedule, as if you're just a bother or an appointment, not an important person they want to see. 

I want to shrug off this negativity as soon as possible so that no untoward consequences come to me because of my mindset. A person can be happy if they will it so, and miserable for the same reason that they will themselves to be. In conclusion, as my friend Michel would put it, 'Don't think too much. Just be content'. Yes, it is indeed a good thing because we are living in the first-world but we still think we have so many problems compared to people who are actually suffering because of the harsh conditions life put them in, I should stop whining about feeling trapped by societal norms. If I take on an action, I must learn to deal with the consequences. There is nothing such as a correct or wrong decision, just the outcome that matters, which is why no matter what I have chosen, I must face the outcome and the consequences. If I've chosen to take on something and it turns unpleasant, either face the unpleasantness and continue to deal with it, or walk away from it altogether before it's too late. If I've chosen to take on something stressful, I just have to exercise time management and deal with the stress. 

The weather's quite nice, I suddenly feel like immersing myself upon the beautiful beaches and just let my worries melt away. When are we going to have our day trip? Jeez, guess I'll just enjoy myself in sunny Malaysia once again when I get back and frolic in the pool with my sister.  

Sharing secrets?

I actually have to admit that I enjoy talking to and listening to a friend's love relationship problems. Be it a girl or a guy, it is so interesting and it makes me feel so valued when I am in the position to give advice! I am the most inexperienced out of the lot, but when they hang on to my every word and opinion so intently as if their fate depends on what I say, it makes me feel strangely satisfied. And of course, I feel really thankful that they trust me enough to discuss their deepest, darkest secrets at length, but I don't know whether I have come up with good enough solutions since everything I say is usually just based on my common sense and doing what is right. But of course, you know what they say, the person who always gives love advice are usually single!

And lately, there's been this trend that caught on like wildfire- a confessions page! It is so highly amusing to read all the posts which is very personal and intimate, written in the first-person point of view. Hmmm, I don't know how posting on these pages are going to help with crushes since it is all anonymous, but at least the person being mentioned must feel really happy to have a secret admirer! And most of the posts are really funny and amusing, I could spend a whole day reading them!!

On a side note, I am gearing up (really, gearing up!) to meet some more new people again, and I don't know how it will go. I hope it's all casual fun and with relaxed, friendly people! I could use some new acquaintances as I actually haven't been going out there, actually making friends! And talking about friends, the people who I don't acquaint myself with anymore is coming back to get into contact with me, and I somehow find that I am not too keen about it! I'd rather have a new life with new friends and keep some of the really treasured ones only! I don't really care about the rest, so it can't be helped if my response is cold! It is because I don't want to have to keep up with them again, I have my own things to do. The few people that I value now can be counted with my hands:)

And when Aussies say 'lovely', it really sounds lovely! Almost like a British intonation of 'lovely'! It is pretty adorable! And I find that I actually enjoy studying here at UniSA more, it's just so... peaceful and laid-back. Everyone and everything is so chill, time passes by rather leisurely, and there's actually plenty of time left to do my work if I discipline myself!!

Michel-inspired post

Beauty is in the eye of the beholder. I think that all my female friends are beautiful. Not only because I have seen their pretty and photogenic looks, but also because I have known how kind their hearts are. A pretty face does not mean a good heart and a beautiful and kind heart sometimes can't be glanced from looks alone. Some people are extremely extremely lucky to have it all: beauty, kind and true heart, and talent. Looks and personality and brains. Beauty with brains but also kind and not materialistic. 

It is shocking still how men always, ALWAYS judge females by their looks. And somehow, even in the English language, we are referred to as the fairer sex, note: 'fairer'. It literally implies that women have fairer skin than men. Of course, some women have dark skin. I imagine that would make them feel uncomfortable to be addressed as the fairer sex. And today, Michel's story taught me many things.

One, is to be aware of guys. It is very hard to figure out their intention. And it is very easy to fall for anyone who is: a) cute/good-looking/sweet smile b) one who cares for you. For A, he might be a heartbreaker, or already has a girlfriend anyways and just use you either as a fling, someone to cheat on, someone to flirt with. For B, he might just be a regular, normal guy who's really really nice to you for some reason, and you get tricked into thinking you have a chance. The truth is, even though he cares a lot, so much for you, his love is just like a friend or family member. It is a natural instinct for him to care and to protect, he does not think of it romantically, at all.

Which is devastating. See, personally, I'd rather not have a best friend that's a guy. Because with best friends, you tend to share so much, open up and bare yourself, even your insecurities and fears to them. If he is not meant to be with you, I see no point in all that sharing and caring. The love there is obviously true and not superficial, but I am the type of person that goes, either you get it or you don't. There shouldn't be a halfway bridge, otherwise it'd just turn out to be a dissapointing ending. This is not A Lot Like Love, where the guy bestie turn into a love partner. Ok, it needs to be emphasized that the pair started off as a fling/one night stand instead of what we often have in reality- a platonic relationship (which one side secretly in love, but not doing anything about it).

Obviously, it is still very touching to have good friends that you can trust to get you up when you're down. But no, I don't want that person and I don't need that person as my cheerleader, because he is already someone's else boyfriend. Summary- if you can't be mine, I'd rather not have you at all. Maybe as a hi-bye friend (in other words, an acquaintance), but definitely not a close friend. 

And being open-minded of course would increase your chances of getting along with all sorts of people, but I don't think it has much to do with getting a boyfriend. I know she was worried about whether she is being too uptight,because usually it's more fun to hang out with people who are chill about anything and are more spontaneous and easy-going instead of having a lot of rules and personal say in things. Maybe that has something to do with being less controlling- I figure that guys don't like to be controlled by a girl who they haven't even considered to start anything with.

Probably at the 'oh I just met you' stage, I would always, always want to create a good impression. Not just about looks, but ok, looks are really more important at this stage. But also, seemingly nervous about talking. Everything, from how my voice sounds, my tone and accent, to what I say and how I say it, and whether or not I'm boring him. THAT is kind of my biggest issue when it comes to dating guys. There is just no one that I can be comfortable hanging out with 24/7. Maybe that has something to do with my introvert nature? Girl friends (well most of them anyway) doesn't give me any reason to rack my brains, instead I become ten times friendlier and always have something to say, or I could just listen and think of a comeback. 

Getting back to Michel's point, maybe, just maybe, guys would find you more fun to hang out with if you don't have too many restrictions, e.g. things to consider. But to be fair, I have a relatively short restricted list. No sex. And no casually making-out unless I allow it. Probably my chances aren't going to drop to zero just yet, I am fine with just hanging out and having fun and getting to know each other. Before that, usually I would add 'in a safe environment' to the whole phrase- 'I am fine with just hanging out and having fun and getting to know each other' in a safe environment. But now, I think that the environment itself has nothing to do with being safe or not- it is actually the person- whether you trust him enough or not to be alone with him even though you don't know him well yet. Of course, to be safe, no alcohol involved when there's only 2 person alone. But other than that, I think I am capable of protecting myself and hopefully, not putting wrong judgement and be naive. 

Although I don't think I would ever get into that situation, dating a stranger sounds exciting but risky. I would only agree if I know that the person meant me no harm, and of course only if I am comfortable spending time alone with him only. With obviously means that, by that last requirement alone, I would have cut my candidates' numbers into half. There are not many men I am comfortable with chatting! 

Oh, and pick-up lines are lame. I don't know why a lot of people find these videos so hilarious. Some of them are really good though- like 'do you know how much a polar bear weighs', 'enough to break the ice'. It is very smart, but I just don't think that you should say anything cheesy like that at all when approaching a girl, even though it sounds really smart and funny. It is still a pick-up line. And of course, pick-up lines don't work because girls hate it when you try to get their attention that way. Maybe just a casual 'hi', and normal chatting would already break the ice. Compliments can be very tricky as you don't want to make it seem like you have your eyes all over her and checked her out like she's an item, something sincere like nice shoes, nice dress would be ok, nothing over the top. 

Currently, it is not the end of my quest for romance. I might have to take a long hiatus because there just seems to be no suitable candidates in sight, not even anyone who I get connected with and interested to learn more about me. Although on the bright side, I have gained a friend from karate- Anastacia. She is an Aussie:) She's very nice so far, and I can get her sense of humour thankfully. I have not seen other sides of her yet and have minimal knowledge about her background, but I don't think that's important. Because I can still make friends without knowing too much about them, just getting along well would be all I require for now. Curiosity killed the cat, some said. Better be patient and only time will tell whether we will keep up and progress with karate and our friendship, but at the very least, I'm really happy and thankful to have a partner to train with and attend karate lessons with, so it's not too intimidating and it's easier to partner up with her because she always shows me the correct way without me feeling embarrassed of it. 

I still have to decide about next semester. Actually, it would be good to listen to Michel's advice, so that: a) less stress for me! b) I will be taking the exact some subjects as the others (more connection this way because of the same subjects and same assignments, plus it's their last semester!) and c) I can still take the community service learning project in SP2- meaning my work placement experience will be more current in my CV!! not outdated!

The only disadvantage is, Collette might not be happy with me for bailing out, and I still have to fix the lack of 4.5 credit. a) I have to go through winter/summer school and consider the subjects AGAIN b) Dad have to pay more and I have to extend my stay c) graduate slower

Which means, either way, and no matter what, When I graduate I will be 22. The only difference is whether it is at the year end, or mid-year of 2014. Plus, a sad but sure fact is that 2014 will mark my last chance of dating a uni student, as well as my last chance of dating AS a university student (22!) --"  

The workplace is going to be so different! T T and I am sure that the people there aren't going to be as nice and friendly as university classmates. Since everybody is in a competitive work environment, would there be less room for friendship and less room for true love? I hope not!!

Taylor Swift's 22 and reflection

Hey-ho! It seems like one of those nights, we ditch the whole scene! It feels like one of those nights, we won't be sleeping! Hahaha, I actually have this crazy energy bottled up and am waiting to unleash it soon, but I have so much work to do! And I guess I won't be sleeping again, although I should!

Partying in the early 20's is so so fun!! It's a privilege that can only be enjoyed when we are young (not underaged!) and in our 20's! A few events have made me giggly and happy lately. Just realizing that friends have to be there for each other:) And it is really special as everyone around me is going through a phase lately! Whether it is graduation, sealing a relationship with a date, the making of a movie or memories, starting a new job, it's all really about how we all survive everyday and tolerate each other! 

Although I play no part in it and my life hasn't changed in any way, it really is very knowledge-enhancing to witness the experience altogether! Like how funny, relaxed and weird it is when getting together to drink booze with some random people! Although alcohol can be really dangerous, as one friend of mine discovered, everyone would need a way to gauge their limit to ensure their own health and safety. Well, the weird thing is, I haven't actually been drunk before, so I wouldn't know what in the world would happen to me if I got drunk! Hahaha, I suppose not getting drunk is good as I'm doing myself a favour by saving face!

Coming to that, watching Taylor's 22 performance recently got me thinking. I was surprised that she actually acknowledged the problem and tried to address it publicly! The amount of hate she got increased tenfold after dating Directioners' precious Harry Styles, and her rep has been affected as well. To the point where every one of her tweets is immediately followed up with comments such as 'slut' or 'bitch'. Even the media has labelled her as somewhat a 'serial dater'. Which is unfair, really. 

Everyone wants to be praised for their efforts, be complimented for their looks or achievements, to make a good impression and build a good reputation. Everyone, even normal people like us strive to present the best of ourselves to create a lasting impression, whether among friends or strangers. I think that it is really a brave thing to face your critics out front, as bold as Taylor did once and again, with her song 'Mean' and this time her unicorn top that says, 'Haters gonna hate'. For people who don't have a thick skin, it's really hard as you care about any and everything that people say about you! You always wonder, 'what did they say about me?'. 

But growing up now, just before becoming a full-fledged working adult, life should be all about fun and no worries, just like the phrase 'Hakuna Matata'. Having a social life is quite important! Or the few friends that you can always depend on no matter what day it is or what situation you're facing. This semester has been really good and bad, I am always finding myself and balancing between the lines of stress and fun, and making decisions where it matters. I really hope that God has a plan laid out for me in terms of romance, so I don't have to worry too much:) I can pretty much take care of other aspects of my life without breaking down or going mental, but regarding love and emotions, it must be handled with utmost care, like baking the perfect cake and even finding the recipe for it! Haha:) 

Well, next semester, I have signed myself up for something absolutely nuts! A crazy and hectic schedule, no kidding! But I do hope to pull it through and redeem myself for backing out on a subject this semester! I expect that it will be fun but really stressful (due to the tight deadlines)! And I hope to get to broaden my horizons a little further- to meet new people and learn new skills as well- it's really important for my future employment purposes! 

Although I adore Taylor, living her life is not easy at all. You really need management skills to take care of so many things going on all at once and the make-it or break-it big projects (your album and record sales/chart performance!). You really need to stay on top of your game and be alert at all times too! But how nice it is when her fans repay her with all the love that guys can't provide for her! I thought it was really sweet of her to acknowledge the real people who have been helping her career all along- her family, her fans, and her producer and co-writers! But I admit, Taylor does go a little bit wild in her performances in the 'Red' era, such as the dancers touching her on the hips and thighs, and her swaying/dancing motions. For mature audiences, it is nothing much- just a performer enjoying a good time on stage. But it's not too good to a bunch of young teens I reckon. 

And perception. Recently, I found a really interesting quote. 'Pretty' is a rent we girls have to pay for occupying a space marked 'female'. It speaks loads about femininity! Whenever people mention a girl in a conversation, the first thing people (even girls themselves!) will ask is, 'pretty or not?', 'is she pretty'? So it is true that we females are obsessed about looks all the time! A fact that I can't deny as a lot of my friends are constantly on about wanting to be thinner while I whine about my skin blemishes.

Dressing up and looking pretty will no doubt make you feel more confident, more cheerful and in a happier mood to begin with- which of course positively contributes and helps loads when you are facing people and feeling satisfied about your own visual presentation (not necessary visual appeal). I guess it doesn't have to be appealing or attractive, it just has to be presentable and decent. Which was interesting, as I didn't know that wearing a whole suit of strong dark blue (from head to toe) would make people so disturbed! I didn't know that just a colour would have that huge of an effect! An interesting finding:)

What else? A lot of people with acne are afraid of being judged by their acne, which is quite a common problem that I am still facing even to this day. Dabbing some foundation/concealer obviously eliminates or alleviates the problem, although it is only a short-term solution, it is still a saviour for that short period of time when you really can't deal with the nonsense of having blotchy red pimply skin when you want to go out and meet people. Long term-wise, I'm investing in skin care products and hoping for miraculous results since I can't get any laser treatment while I'm here. Of course, ideally I should be investing in more sleeping time and a cleaner diet, but it is still mighty hard to find the discipline and time to do that!

Overall for now, I think I will just lie low, chill with my friends, hand up my assignments in time... and that's about it! Hahaha, it's kind of a really short list but I can't see any short-term goals in sight for the moment, except to keep on living and keeping up with the pace of life! Everything else will have to wait or when something falls into place and nudges me in the right direction to start a new mission, whatever that is:)  

Tell Me Why

You might think I'm bulletproof but I'm not

Well I get so confused and frustrated

Forget what I'm trying to say

I'm sick and tired of everything

I got no one to believe in

There are instances when I just can't think for myself. I can think for everyone else, analyze everyone else's complex situation and come out with good solutions, but I am feeling so lost, so lost right now. Being emotional on top of that. A lot of love isn't love, or is it? Only movies get happy endings. People living in reality always get crappy dialogues, crappy plot, and crappy endings. If it is true that I don't have to go out searching, endlessly waiting, if it is true that God made one for me, where art thou, dear soulmate? 

Do you know that everyone is feeling trapped by this? We are all lovely, young, brave, independent,  kind, intelligent women in our young 20's. Why do we need to have this feeling of uncertainty, suffering and being imposed in such a sad situation. I really wish things would change, for the better. Enough with the dramas and the fake love. The crushing infatuation which often leads to nothing. It may be a first world problem, but no one should suffer an uncertain fate for days, months and years to come with nothing to believe in. You simply don't have the right to take away people's happiness like that, even if you created them. We were born for a reason. To love another human being. To be connected to another soul. 

Even still, I need to believe. I won't lie. I've been waiting for a true love's kiss. For that reason, any other is just lying to myself and hurting myself more. I love my family, my few treasured friends, and I just want to live a happy, loving, peaceful life. I want to be something, someone respectable in society. The things I have asked for are all basic needs for a modern women in this century. 

And yes, I do want to complete the human life cycle and someday, be a mother. I know that kids can change your life, in a good, wonderful way. Everything sweet will end someday when they leave the nest, but still all the years of raising them, watching them grow up, I am sure, those are memories that can never be forgotten by each parent. It's too late, I was too selfish, I live in my own world, I had different priorities, I was worn out, I was tired, but know that wherever you are, I now understand that a mother's love and sacrifice surpasses everything. 

Today the emotions hit me pretty badly. Thank goodness I have the sport of karate to distract me. Even if it was just for an hour plus, being able to punch and block, just those simple movements, made me feel really really good. Seeing the faces of karate classmates even so. I may have used the 'I just wanted to get fit' excuse to join karate at first, but now it really gets exciting when I actually recognize and remember certain steps of the martial art. I couldn't believe when I spent a good whole 2 hours working out how to do my first kata correctly. It was really the first time I've racked my brains and utilized all my thinking energy to figure out something that wasn't a problem, something that wasn't stress-inducing, but something that was just an intriguing puzzle (albeit a little bit challenging!) to solve. All the clock wheels turning in motion, and finally the wheels turned in sync! That was the one of the rare feel good moments. 

I don't want to lose anything or anyone meaningful to me. But sadly, departure is always inevitable, no? It's always time to say goodbye after nurturing a bond with someone. None can stay with another forever. It seems like such fun until you lose contact with that person. I guess the only solution is to keep meeting new people and keep in contact with the ones you want to. Easier said than done though. 

Things don't always go your way. Life isn't fair because you don't usually get what you want. Even if you're not asking for much, things don't just miraculously fall into place just like that. I can't be perfect for everyone but I can be my best for the person who deserves me. Motivate me, love me, support me no matter what. Brangelina. Roran and Katrina. Love stories like those are the best, because it's just so pure and sweet and simple. I wish for something just like that. 

On a lighter note, I lack time management control. Reminder to: force myself to wake up to attend classes (because they're worth it!), and not to produce low-quality last minute work. 

Double-edged sword- music and media can be both saviour and destroyer. It's lovely company and entertainment but also the number one reason for procrastination! It's crucial to balance it out.

And lastly, skin health, physical health and mental health. Not sure how I'm faring for the last one because I'm close to going insane and getting worked up and emo over little things.

Time, please heal me if nothing else would. 

Home is where the heart is

The ironic thing is, I'm never completely satisfied at any one point of my life. I always feel that something is lacking. And now, confusedly, my heart is neither in Malaysia, nor in Adelaide!

People say that the grass is always greener on the other side, right? Well, for me, that was how it looked. Somehow, except for rare moments of joyous pleasure and simple happiness, there is always a gap somewhere that needs to be filled. By whom, by what, I know not.

There is a meme on FB that goes- there are three things a person needs to stay happy: someone to love, something to do, and something to hope for.

Well, at this current stage, I can say neither of these conditions are fullfilled. Maybe which is why I feel empty. I need more in life. I need more from life!

Writing is sometimes fullfilling, so is getting a distinction in class or praise from a senpai. Or my sister's laugh on Skype and my housemates cooking/ordering food for me. All these are the little things that holds me together. And yet, where is the great adventure that I dream of embarking on? 

My target is always far, far away, too far for me to strike or make a move. It's hard to fight when the fight isn't fair. Even if I get stronger and better, what's the point if I can't get within range? 

Honestly, there is nothing much to do here in Adelaide. There are heaps to learn (from the environment and from other people), but nothing much to actually do and fill in one's schedule. All this restlessness abound, yet I still lack discipline in sticking to an exercise regime!

What I want the most... now, what do I hope for? It is the same thing we are all hoping to find. It is something to hope for, but I don't know if it still exists in this world, in this day and age. If it did, it must be hidden from view or going in a different direction. I would like for the sun to rise, not to cast dark shadows and stormy seas. 

I wish that no one wrecks havoc in my heart because I can't hold back from drowning in my own tears and fears. I do not wish to drown. Even if my ship is wrecked, I am willing to cling on to the hope, as I bet my life by clinging on a piece of driftwood. Many have survived disasters like that, so why shouldn't I? I know that I am capable of giving much more than I can take, so I hope to receive something good and fair in return.

It is all about the mindset really. Though I may feel intimidated, insecure, I know that the person who loves me the most and wants the best for me the most, is watching over me. I will make her proud and even if I don't achieve, I will put my mind to it, survive and not waver.

All you need is courage and determination, and no one can break the wall that is tougher than rock, because it is your every willpower holding the wall together.