Don't regret something that you enjoyed.
As Rose and I had a grand Le Meridien dinner, with acoustic jazz and a high class atmosphere, I told her I regretted eating so much bread beforehand, before the main course arrived. I was hungry, and the bread was yummy and crunchy. It was nothing compared to the main meal of course, but I did savour it. Rose simply mused, 'Don't regret something you enjoyed. You wanted it at that moment. You enjoyed it. Same goes for relationships.'
With a simple adjustment to this mindset, now it is really possible to enjoy every moment. Because you could never regret having reached out for something you wanted.
And thus, carpe diem. Let's live without regrets. Let's live with gratitude and find that relaxation and acceptance for all things good in life.
Friday, 5 June 2015
Wednesday, 3 June 2015
Sky full of stars
Cause, you're a sky, you're a sky full of stars.
Today marks the second day of self discovery. Marveling at the sheer awesomeness, of unexplored, undiscovered things and tastes that I have yet to become familiar with. Time to expand the horizons of 'my cup of tea'. Spending me time doesn't have to be scary or lonely, it is as simple as 'eat, pray, love'. Besides, Alice said that music can heal any pains. All kinds of pains. She was referring to karaoke in particular, but I think it works just by listening to music too.
Often times we get sucked into the repeating rut of of the same wheel churning, we forgot to reflect and look inwards. It is actually a very good healing process. It feels like your body, mind and soul is slowly realinging, perhaps forming an eclipse of the moment, blocking out all noise and thoughts, emptying the mind with a calm surrealness.
Coldplay's music is sort of like something from another century to me. It is nothing like any British band I've heard. It was a surprise itself knowing that the band has been around since I was born, yet the members pulled off a energetic and fresh-faced performance. Especially surprised too that the 'Sky full of Stars' music video was filmed in Sydney! The timelessness of their music is very inspiring! I think people from any era can relate to it. The music somehow makes you feel stronger. Strengthening from within, being braver, more fearless, yet more calm and more at peace.
I notice that a lot of songs seem to have something going on about stars. Sky Full of Stars (Coldplay), Counting Stars (One Republic), Starlight (Taylor Swift), Ed Sheeran (All of The Stars), and even Bright (Echosmith). I've only actually done stargazing properly when I was in Australia. Under the sky full of stars, that is. No matter what happens, the star keeps shining, and we keep believing in our dreams right? Except that at this stage, I am perfectly content. I have no big dreams, I simply want to live a cherished life. If you do things with a meaningful heart, you create meaning to the act, thus you could have claimed living a meaningful life. It means something, doesn't it? All those song lyrics, they mean so much to us because we can identify with them at some point of our lives.
Unknowingly, childhood memories can be brought up too after so many years later. I think it helped me understand a lot better now, the reason he wrote, there will always be stars shining for you, so when you're lost, just look up the skies. Metaphorical of course. But that means he is always honest and wants the best for me. Which is a noble thing indeed. I will never forget how he opened up and told me about how seeing the stars when he was 8 years old with his Dad driving made him feel. Safe, and not scared of a single thing in the world. No one ever told you that when you grow up, you have to become your own guardian angel. What's going on in your head are the things that only you can understand. Which is why, stars in all their brilliance, are such a beauty to behold and a magnificent sight. We don't actually see it that often either when we are busy with our daily routines.
This post is dedicated to stars, the living spirits that guide us, as in Lion King. He is right that the stars remained untouched while we age and things progress and time passes. So, being in the present is equally important instead of being absorbed in thoughts about the future. Love comes naturally from the human heart. Even the hardest toughest soul gives way to love and compassion, if given enough chances. I want to do good, and be good, and respect the relationship I have with the people in my life now, and continue improving it as well as myself.
Today marks the second day of self discovery. Marveling at the sheer awesomeness, of unexplored, undiscovered things and tastes that I have yet to become familiar with. Time to expand the horizons of 'my cup of tea'. Spending me time doesn't have to be scary or lonely, it is as simple as 'eat, pray, love'. Besides, Alice said that music can heal any pains. All kinds of pains. She was referring to karaoke in particular, but I think it works just by listening to music too.
Often times we get sucked into the repeating rut of of the same wheel churning, we forgot to reflect and look inwards. It is actually a very good healing process. It feels like your body, mind and soul is slowly realinging, perhaps forming an eclipse of the moment, blocking out all noise and thoughts, emptying the mind with a calm surrealness.
Coldplay's music is sort of like something from another century to me. It is nothing like any British band I've heard. It was a surprise itself knowing that the band has been around since I was born, yet the members pulled off a energetic and fresh-faced performance. Especially surprised too that the 'Sky full of Stars' music video was filmed in Sydney! The timelessness of their music is very inspiring! I think people from any era can relate to it. The music somehow makes you feel stronger. Strengthening from within, being braver, more fearless, yet more calm and more at peace.
I notice that a lot of songs seem to have something going on about stars. Sky Full of Stars (Coldplay), Counting Stars (One Republic), Starlight (Taylor Swift), Ed Sheeran (All of The Stars), and even Bright (Echosmith). I've only actually done stargazing properly when I was in Australia. Under the sky full of stars, that is. No matter what happens, the star keeps shining, and we keep believing in our dreams right? Except that at this stage, I am perfectly content. I have no big dreams, I simply want to live a cherished life. If you do things with a meaningful heart, you create meaning to the act, thus you could have claimed living a meaningful life. It means something, doesn't it? All those song lyrics, they mean so much to us because we can identify with them at some point of our lives.
Unknowingly, childhood memories can be brought up too after so many years later. I think it helped me understand a lot better now, the reason he wrote, there will always be stars shining for you, so when you're lost, just look up the skies. Metaphorical of course. But that means he is always honest and wants the best for me. Which is a noble thing indeed. I will never forget how he opened up and told me about how seeing the stars when he was 8 years old with his Dad driving made him feel. Safe, and not scared of a single thing in the world. No one ever told you that when you grow up, you have to become your own guardian angel. What's going on in your head are the things that only you can understand. Which is why, stars in all their brilliance, are such a beauty to behold and a magnificent sight. We don't actually see it that often either when we are busy with our daily routines.
This post is dedicated to stars, the living spirits that guide us, as in Lion King. He is right that the stars remained untouched while we age and things progress and time passes. So, being in the present is equally important instead of being absorbed in thoughts about the future. Love comes naturally from the human heart. Even the hardest toughest soul gives way to love and compassion, if given enough chances. I want to do good, and be good, and respect the relationship I have with the people in my life now, and continue improving it as well as myself.
Sunday, 26 April 2015
Does Peaceful Living Equate to an Unchallenged Life?
I feel conflicted. There is nothing wrong with wanting to find and achieve inner peace and die peacefully. Indeed, if you can die peacefully, it means you have done all the things that you think you want to accomplish in this lifetime. However, Nesh thinks that if you live without regrets and die without regrets, then you really have not tried hard enough in life. You have not tried hard and failed, and tried harder and regret certain things, accomplish certain things and then regret not having done certain things etc. Naturally, the people he put up as examples as all in the category of 'exemplary leaders and innovators' such as Steve Jobs and other 'tokoh', all the great people we pay tribute to who has pushed humanity forwards.
Recently, in the movie Avengers, the bad guy Ultron, said that the human race is doomed to fail. It has to be wiped out in order to start a clean slate, and to be completely destroyed before it can become good. I think that, in simple terms, if a programme is bad, people usually scrap it, and create a more efficient one, an entirely new program in place, but slightly based or having similar features from the existing model.
Time is an illusion. Einstein said, time never changes anything. It is people who have changed the way things are, the Earth did not evolve on its own to become what it is today. It's just incidences and events, occurring one after the other that changes things from decades to a new decade. We are still standing upon the same earth that was here millions of years ago, but what has changed is that, we have invented new buildings, new technology. Natural disasters affect the Earth geographically and impact on populations (death toll, extinction, etc.), but the rest really, is up to mankind. If Man seeked refuge in caves before, then they had learned to build huts. If Man build huts before, they have now learned how to build towers and skyscrapers. Therefore, it is not that time changed anything. We changed.
At the end of the day, I realised that after reading Taylor's post, it is not a need, it is a want that keeps relationships solid. At that point of your life, you really don't need anyone anymore, as everything is complete and you are generally very happy with the way your life is, but then you make some space, because you want to be in the other person's company, you want them to be a part of your life. I guess I've heard this many times before, but the naivety and immature me still thinks a partner makes a complete whole. Guess after having gone through so much heartbreak, Tay finally learned it the hard way. I have yet to know where my fate lies and how things will turn out, but now I'm entirely convinced it is not a matter of time, or the issue of time and timing and right timing, but it is about how much we both have changed in that time we are away from each other.
I know that he hates shallow people who live their lives without learning anything and challenging themselves, and he would even distance himself from people like Sandy- who looks like she's always having tons of fun, partying, diving, travelling, and never slowing down- purely because he thinks they are living a very shallow lifestyle- to him, it is not worth it. Therefore, Tash must be some sort of pure genius, or with similar wit and sarcasm- to be able to talk to Nesh everyday and hold long conversations without fail. Knowledge wise and mentally, I am still miles away from Nesh, even though I am his match by kindness at heart and goodness in character, I do need to step up my game if I were to become his life partner. Otherwise, I will keep feeling inferior and dumb each time he mentions an issue that I know naught about, or in case (which I very much predict) his family would be the same type of people who goes on about UN debates, social and political issues.
Our experiences makes us who we are. I really am not that kind of person. I am a fun loving person, who seeks comfort in the beauty of people and Nature, in kindness and all things good, positive and inspiring and deeply values loved ones and people who care about me, I will treat them right. However, in order to become an adult and a global citizen who is not living in the dark ('Those who do not know the past are bound to repeat it"- Not just the past, the present issues that are pressing, it seems too!), it is essential to know all these things. Although probably no one other than Nesh would question me about it, I do wish that he keeps things lighthearted sometimes, but then, this is who he truly is. He truly cares about the world, world issues and humanity, such a broad global scales, whereas my cares are more individualistic- health, spirituality, beauty and goodness (positivity), quality of life. Sites like The Mind Unleashed would be such a brilliant info source for me to check upon, whereas his would be the ones he calls, 'always go to the source itself' sites such as the BBC, CNN. Guess for me that means reading on World Health Organisation, and Buddhism scripts instead of articles written for a website that is not even credible and cited/referenced.
No doubt we will both change, either a lot, or a little, but our experiences will help us learn and grow along the way, independent and free of each other's influence. Currently, even though we are still frequently in contact, there is no way we have actual influence over each other's lives and thoughts, and beliefs and values, and goals and to-do missions and to-be accomplishments in life. The questions to be asked are: Can we still find common ground? Can we still bond truly and deeply? We don't need one another anymore but do we still want to be part of that person's life?
Love is not forever, and nothing is forever. Things and events keep happening, people keep changing as they react and learn and grow from life events. They either grow closer to you, or grow apart, but the fact is that they are doing it for their own sake, learning and growing for their own sake, not yours. Neither does it concern you even if it does involve you, as you still need to pursue your own meaning- life's truths and challenges, and ever constant changing moments. To have forever, it means that you have to accept everything, and then accept every change that comes along after that, adapting, learning and growing along with it. If one person changes so much and you remain stagnant, it might not be a good or bad thing, but you still have to enter their new perspectives in order to keep up with their changes. You, who have known and experienced so little, will definitely feel outcasted by the other person who has known and experienced so much that you cannot even comprehend. Do not let yourself be ignorant, whilst ignorance is bliss for some, for others, being ignorant by your own choice means being a simpleton who does not wants to expand his limited knowledge.
I know, if I want to be with you and not get left behind, I have to stay up-to-date, not necessarily be creative or innovative, but at least able to think for myself and be resourceful and stand on my own feet independently. He wouldn't want to be with me for a lifetime just because I'm nice. It's that that simple. It's about someone who can understand you and have amazing quality conversations which will make spending quality time together much more amazing to look forward to (after the initial romance and butterflies have faded). Looking to build the in-depth quality that you so love, hun. Hope to get there soon, somewhere soon, be in your league and have you look up to me and respect me as well, for what I do, what I love to do, what I know, and what I don't know. (Which is a whole lot and greatly dissatisfies you at this point, I know)
Awareness is the first step to change.
Recently, in the movie Avengers, the bad guy Ultron, said that the human race is doomed to fail. It has to be wiped out in order to start a clean slate, and to be completely destroyed before it can become good. I think that, in simple terms, if a programme is bad, people usually scrap it, and create a more efficient one, an entirely new program in place, but slightly based or having similar features from the existing model.
Time is an illusion. Einstein said, time never changes anything. It is people who have changed the way things are, the Earth did not evolve on its own to become what it is today. It's just incidences and events, occurring one after the other that changes things from decades to a new decade. We are still standing upon the same earth that was here millions of years ago, but what has changed is that, we have invented new buildings, new technology. Natural disasters affect the Earth geographically and impact on populations (death toll, extinction, etc.), but the rest really, is up to mankind. If Man seeked refuge in caves before, then they had learned to build huts. If Man build huts before, they have now learned how to build towers and skyscrapers. Therefore, it is not that time changed anything. We changed.
At the end of the day, I realised that after reading Taylor's post, it is not a need, it is a want that keeps relationships solid. At that point of your life, you really don't need anyone anymore, as everything is complete and you are generally very happy with the way your life is, but then you make some space, because you want to be in the other person's company, you want them to be a part of your life. I guess I've heard this many times before, but the naivety and immature me still thinks a partner makes a complete whole. Guess after having gone through so much heartbreak, Tay finally learned it the hard way. I have yet to know where my fate lies and how things will turn out, but now I'm entirely convinced it is not a matter of time, or the issue of time and timing and right timing, but it is about how much we both have changed in that time we are away from each other.
I know that he hates shallow people who live their lives without learning anything and challenging themselves, and he would even distance himself from people like Sandy- who looks like she's always having tons of fun, partying, diving, travelling, and never slowing down- purely because he thinks they are living a very shallow lifestyle- to him, it is not worth it. Therefore, Tash must be some sort of pure genius, or with similar wit and sarcasm- to be able to talk to Nesh everyday and hold long conversations without fail. Knowledge wise and mentally, I am still miles away from Nesh, even though I am his match by kindness at heart and goodness in character, I do need to step up my game if I were to become his life partner. Otherwise, I will keep feeling inferior and dumb each time he mentions an issue that I know naught about, or in case (which I very much predict) his family would be the same type of people who goes on about UN debates, social and political issues.
Our experiences makes us who we are. I really am not that kind of person. I am a fun loving person, who seeks comfort in the beauty of people and Nature, in kindness and all things good, positive and inspiring and deeply values loved ones and people who care about me, I will treat them right. However, in order to become an adult and a global citizen who is not living in the dark ('Those who do not know the past are bound to repeat it"- Not just the past, the present issues that are pressing, it seems too!), it is essential to know all these things. Although probably no one other than Nesh would question me about it, I do wish that he keeps things lighthearted sometimes, but then, this is who he truly is. He truly cares about the world, world issues and humanity, such a broad global scales, whereas my cares are more individualistic- health, spirituality, beauty and goodness (positivity), quality of life. Sites like The Mind Unleashed would be such a brilliant info source for me to check upon, whereas his would be the ones he calls, 'always go to the source itself' sites such as the BBC, CNN. Guess for me that means reading on World Health Organisation, and Buddhism scripts instead of articles written for a website that is not even credible and cited/referenced.
No doubt we will both change, either a lot, or a little, but our experiences will help us learn and grow along the way, independent and free of each other's influence. Currently, even though we are still frequently in contact, there is no way we have actual influence over each other's lives and thoughts, and beliefs and values, and goals and to-do missions and to-be accomplishments in life. The questions to be asked are: Can we still find common ground? Can we still bond truly and deeply? We don't need one another anymore but do we still want to be part of that person's life?
Love is not forever, and nothing is forever. Things and events keep happening, people keep changing as they react and learn and grow from life events. They either grow closer to you, or grow apart, but the fact is that they are doing it for their own sake, learning and growing for their own sake, not yours. Neither does it concern you even if it does involve you, as you still need to pursue your own meaning- life's truths and challenges, and ever constant changing moments. To have forever, it means that you have to accept everything, and then accept every change that comes along after that, adapting, learning and growing along with it. If one person changes so much and you remain stagnant, it might not be a good or bad thing, but you still have to enter their new perspectives in order to keep up with their changes. You, who have known and experienced so little, will definitely feel outcasted by the other person who has known and experienced so much that you cannot even comprehend. Do not let yourself be ignorant, whilst ignorance is bliss for some, for others, being ignorant by your own choice means being a simpleton who does not wants to expand his limited knowledge.
I know, if I want to be with you and not get left behind, I have to stay up-to-date, not necessarily be creative or innovative, but at least able to think for myself and be resourceful and stand on my own feet independently. He wouldn't want to be with me for a lifetime just because I'm nice. It's that that simple. It's about someone who can understand you and have amazing quality conversations which will make spending quality time together much more amazing to look forward to (after the initial romance and butterflies have faded). Looking to build the in-depth quality that you so love, hun. Hope to get there soon, somewhere soon, be in your league and have you look up to me and respect me as well, for what I do, what I love to do, what I know, and what I don't know. (Which is a whole lot and greatly dissatisfies you at this point, I know)
Awareness is the first step to change.
Wednesday, 22 April 2015
The real meaning of graduation
The real meaning of graduation is becoming a full-fledged mature adult.Brilliantly dressed and strutting across the stage, I remember how I beamed with joy and delight, grinning from ear-to-ear while receiving the parchment, indeed that was the most treasured moment in history. Why is a moment a treasured moment? Because a treasured moment, is more often than not, a defining moment. At that point in time, it defined that I am leaving my university years behind. And moving on to the next chapter.
Through a recent conversation with old pal Stevie Zhi Feng, I realised how much maturity has been build in him. Almost everyone my age seemed more mature and insightful and wiser than me. Even Jolin at times give off an uncanny common sense advice, unblinkingly as though that could be the only truth she could ever think of. It's that simple. Easy-peasy, just don't think too much.
I had a distant memory where I was in RPR Kidurong and we were all doing homework together. Discussing mathematics or Science questions probably, I was a guest in Mei Shi or Yong Hui's house. I later lamented to Mom that we had to do homework on the floor and bed in the bedroom, there wasn't a proper table and chairs for all three of us to study. I think her response was, 'not everyone is like us, just so you know'. Today, I found out that Mei Shi didn't even attend university or any form of higher education. She just studied until Form 5. That kind of struck a chord inside me. Somehow, I wondered if she would think of herself as unfortunate, that it is not fair, as Yong Hui, Chyan, Stevie, Vivien and even Joseph has gone off to uni. Being thrown into the working world just after 17, it is almost an unimaginable concept for me. What could I do? I remembered she was good in Maths and worked at Koperasi, thus I guessed she had no problem finding jobs in sales/marketing, even admin work and organisational skills, as she has a sharp mind and was a quick learner.
At first, I felt sorry for her and felt sad. I don't want to be a parent if I cannot even afford to sent my kids to university to see them develop their dreams, passions, have goals and careers in the future. Take away uni, and you are left at square one. A lot of people said, 'what we studied in uni is actually not that relevant to real work'. I believed that passing the assignments, courseworks and exams itself wasn't the point, even the knowledge itself wasn't the point as much of it was theoretical, but it was about building your reading, researching and writing skills further, creative and critical thinkng, socialising and developing hobbies and interests, along with making lifelong friends and doing fun stuff such as taking part in events, purely for fun and interest, or even for resume building.
I wouldn't be the person I am today if I hadn't attended uni. Sure, I am still confused and lost a lot, always deep in thoughts, but I wouldn't have known anything about the real world, I would be too innocent for my own good. During Foundation year, I was blessed to find and fall into the companion of a group of friends- Poh Li, Rayelene, and Alice (primary), and Yap, Natalie, Hon Mun, Naziha (secondary). The freshman year was very exciting, we were all keen and bubbling with energy. I drove people around a lot. It was nice to be able to do something for them, and it was nice to have my own car. Moving into degree, I still had Alice by my side for a semester or two, met Michel. Alice left, I was seriously being overshadowed by the group of extroverts in the class. I stuck close to Michel, and pretty much kept to myself and away from every single person in the class who is an extrovert. They were nice and amusing to watch, but they were very very hyperactive and loud. I turned to the Anime Society during this period and made some memories there. It was great to contribute as a committee member. I admired all the sempais running the club, and was mostly in awe of YZ and Er Whey. That year, it was quite a drama- with my crush on Er Whey- dashed by Alexis, my crush on Brandon-dashed by Sherry, and Hee who was nice but became a problematic issue afterwards, and the innocent rebound boy whose name I almost forgot. During that time, I learned the patience to deal with people, but still I cried over every single thing that happened to me. Especially about boys, I think Michel was sick of counseling me and giving me advice. I wasn't the best visitor too, as I visited Mom everyday, I would pour out my emotions and complains one after the other as she sat and ate and sympathised with me in the hospital bed.
It was a huge relief then the time I came to Adelaide. City dwellers and lots of international students would no doubt lament of its sleepy small town status. But I was overjoyed that everyone I met was so friendly and approachable. None of them seemed to me as a team of bunched up extroverts, not open to others. It was my time to socialise, randomly being brave and making friends during Orientation. I think there was a photographer guy called Josh that we hanged out with at the Zoo, as well as the outgoing girls Esther and Sandy, and no matter what they had in their personal lives, they still were kind and friendly, and gave you attention when actually having conversation with you. Nesh only came in the picture much later, after I was more or less settled in with Rose and Yap, and getting used to Nafees and him visiting frequently. I want to reinstill that confidence and independence in myself, during my Magill apartment days, I don't think I kept checking my phone every 20 minutes. I slept a lot yes, but I also learned to cook a lot, and did karate a lot. I think I was quite motivated and focused on karate that period, even practising my kata immediately when I got home, I was immersed in that experience, I was left with no room for self-doubt, self-nagging, self-criticizing and over-thinking and over-dependence and reliance on one person or friend. Friendship and relationship ties were important, but I had something to focus on internally (mental attitude and exploring an interest) and outwardly (strengthening, training, physical practice). That was how it was meant to be.
Here, I want to thank him. I knew that without him, I wouldn't have made it on my own during the second half of the year. It was his company I enjoyed the most and looked forward to the most, but once we were in a relationship, it was his actions that drove me nuts, and then I did not take his company for granted, just the opposite. I wanted to take up every bit of his time. Till now, I didn't realise that sort of preoccupation was dangerous and unhealthy. But now, after being in an LDR for a while and having been booted off to a psychology session, it was an eye-opener. The fights are honestly almost non-existent in LDR, and if handled with care and maturity, the relationship would actually blossom as we are having such a positive light of each other. A quote that says, 'We don't go through life, we grow through life'. Similarly, Socrates said that 'an unexamined life is not worth living' while Nesh said something to Bianca that implied that "Living without challenging yourself (an unchallenged life) is not the purpose of life". He doesn't want a life where everyday just passes by quietly and peacefully, he wants a life full of exciting possibilities and challenges that keeps him on his toes and racking his brains for a method or solution. This man wants to push humanity forwards or contribute to society.
I am quite fortunate to date someone like him. Even Stevie said, 'This kind of mature guy usually has more plans and things to do than try to guess a girl's feelings'. Thus, if I want to be with him, I need to grow and mature as well, like what I did and was doing well in the first place before I turned him into a comfort zone. LDR is me stepping out of my comfort zone and still wanting to maintain our relationship, LDR is about me improving myself. What can I bring to the table? What can I contribute to this relationship? What are my qualities that will lift us and improve us as a couple?
Kindness is good, patience is great, but maturity and understanding is a must. If I want to do this right this time around. I am so thankful to be given a second chance (not for the first time).
In conclusion, all of this wouldn't and couldn't have happened if I hadn't been given a chance to go to uni. To experience mingling with different sorts of people, learning from peers, and encountering wiser, older people yet talking to them with such ease. I really am grateful to Dad for giving me the chance to go overseas. It has been hugely phenomenal for me in terms of teaching me life lessons along the way. I believe that entering the workforce once more, would teach me a lot of life lessons too. Let's toast to the goodness in life, aspiring to be the best version of ourselves, and not worrying and comparing ourselevs to others, lest you are chasing someone else's shadow. Improve your own Self, and the light within you would shine so bright, the shadows cast would be of no consequence, but just reminders that we are all humans.
Through a recent conversation with old pal Stevie Zhi Feng, I realised how much maturity has been build in him. Almost everyone my age seemed more mature and insightful and wiser than me. Even Jolin at times give off an uncanny common sense advice, unblinkingly as though that could be the only truth she could ever think of. It's that simple. Easy-peasy, just don't think too much.
I had a distant memory where I was in RPR Kidurong and we were all doing homework together. Discussing mathematics or Science questions probably, I was a guest in Mei Shi or Yong Hui's house. I later lamented to Mom that we had to do homework on the floor and bed in the bedroom, there wasn't a proper table and chairs for all three of us to study. I think her response was, 'not everyone is like us, just so you know'. Today, I found out that Mei Shi didn't even attend university or any form of higher education. She just studied until Form 5. That kind of struck a chord inside me. Somehow, I wondered if she would think of herself as unfortunate, that it is not fair, as Yong Hui, Chyan, Stevie, Vivien and even Joseph has gone off to uni. Being thrown into the working world just after 17, it is almost an unimaginable concept for me. What could I do? I remembered she was good in Maths and worked at Koperasi, thus I guessed she had no problem finding jobs in sales/marketing, even admin work and organisational skills, as she has a sharp mind and was a quick learner.
At first, I felt sorry for her and felt sad. I don't want to be a parent if I cannot even afford to sent my kids to university to see them develop their dreams, passions, have goals and careers in the future. Take away uni, and you are left at square one. A lot of people said, 'what we studied in uni is actually not that relevant to real work'. I believed that passing the assignments, courseworks and exams itself wasn't the point, even the knowledge itself wasn't the point as much of it was theoretical, but it was about building your reading, researching and writing skills further, creative and critical thinkng, socialising and developing hobbies and interests, along with making lifelong friends and doing fun stuff such as taking part in events, purely for fun and interest, or even for resume building.
I wouldn't be the person I am today if I hadn't attended uni. Sure, I am still confused and lost a lot, always deep in thoughts, but I wouldn't have known anything about the real world, I would be too innocent for my own good. During Foundation year, I was blessed to find and fall into the companion of a group of friends- Poh Li, Rayelene, and Alice (primary), and Yap, Natalie, Hon Mun, Naziha (secondary). The freshman year was very exciting, we were all keen and bubbling with energy. I drove people around a lot. It was nice to be able to do something for them, and it was nice to have my own car. Moving into degree, I still had Alice by my side for a semester or two, met Michel. Alice left, I was seriously being overshadowed by the group of extroverts in the class. I stuck close to Michel, and pretty much kept to myself and away from every single person in the class who is an extrovert. They were nice and amusing to watch, but they were very very hyperactive and loud. I turned to the Anime Society during this period and made some memories there. It was great to contribute as a committee member. I admired all the sempais running the club, and was mostly in awe of YZ and Er Whey. That year, it was quite a drama- with my crush on Er Whey- dashed by Alexis, my crush on Brandon-dashed by Sherry, and Hee who was nice but became a problematic issue afterwards, and the innocent rebound boy whose name I almost forgot. During that time, I learned the patience to deal with people, but still I cried over every single thing that happened to me. Especially about boys, I think Michel was sick of counseling me and giving me advice. I wasn't the best visitor too, as I visited Mom everyday, I would pour out my emotions and complains one after the other as she sat and ate and sympathised with me in the hospital bed.
It was a huge relief then the time I came to Adelaide. City dwellers and lots of international students would no doubt lament of its sleepy small town status. But I was overjoyed that everyone I met was so friendly and approachable. None of them seemed to me as a team of bunched up extroverts, not open to others. It was my time to socialise, randomly being brave and making friends during Orientation. I think there was a photographer guy called Josh that we hanged out with at the Zoo, as well as the outgoing girls Esther and Sandy, and no matter what they had in their personal lives, they still were kind and friendly, and gave you attention when actually having conversation with you. Nesh only came in the picture much later, after I was more or less settled in with Rose and Yap, and getting used to Nafees and him visiting frequently. I want to reinstill that confidence and independence in myself, during my Magill apartment days, I don't think I kept checking my phone every 20 minutes. I slept a lot yes, but I also learned to cook a lot, and did karate a lot. I think I was quite motivated and focused on karate that period, even practising my kata immediately when I got home, I was immersed in that experience, I was left with no room for self-doubt, self-nagging, self-criticizing and over-thinking and over-dependence and reliance on one person or friend. Friendship and relationship ties were important, but I had something to focus on internally (mental attitude and exploring an interest) and outwardly (strengthening, training, physical practice). That was how it was meant to be.
Here, I want to thank him. I knew that without him, I wouldn't have made it on my own during the second half of the year. It was his company I enjoyed the most and looked forward to the most, but once we were in a relationship, it was his actions that drove me nuts, and then I did not take his company for granted, just the opposite. I wanted to take up every bit of his time. Till now, I didn't realise that sort of preoccupation was dangerous and unhealthy. But now, after being in an LDR for a while and having been booted off to a psychology session, it was an eye-opener. The fights are honestly almost non-existent in LDR, and if handled with care and maturity, the relationship would actually blossom as we are having such a positive light of each other. A quote that says, 'We don't go through life, we grow through life'. Similarly, Socrates said that 'an unexamined life is not worth living' while Nesh said something to Bianca that implied that "Living without challenging yourself (an unchallenged life) is not the purpose of life". He doesn't want a life where everyday just passes by quietly and peacefully, he wants a life full of exciting possibilities and challenges that keeps him on his toes and racking his brains for a method or solution. This man wants to push humanity forwards or contribute to society.
I am quite fortunate to date someone like him. Even Stevie said, 'This kind of mature guy usually has more plans and things to do than try to guess a girl's feelings'. Thus, if I want to be with him, I need to grow and mature as well, like what I did and was doing well in the first place before I turned him into a comfort zone. LDR is me stepping out of my comfort zone and still wanting to maintain our relationship, LDR is about me improving myself. What can I bring to the table? What can I contribute to this relationship? What are my qualities that will lift us and improve us as a couple?
Kindness is good, patience is great, but maturity and understanding is a must. If I want to do this right this time around. I am so thankful to be given a second chance (not for the first time).
In conclusion, all of this wouldn't and couldn't have happened if I hadn't been given a chance to go to uni. To experience mingling with different sorts of people, learning from peers, and encountering wiser, older people yet talking to them with such ease. I really am grateful to Dad for giving me the chance to go overseas. It has been hugely phenomenal for me in terms of teaching me life lessons along the way. I believe that entering the workforce once more, would teach me a lot of life lessons too. Let's toast to the goodness in life, aspiring to be the best version of ourselves, and not worrying and comparing ourselevs to others, lest you are chasing someone else's shadow. Improve your own Self, and the light within you would shine so bright, the shadows cast would be of no consequence, but just reminders that we are all humans.
Tuesday, 21 April 2015
Words of Wisdom
You can love someone just so. It doesn't have to be a mutual affirmation of feelings, gestures of reassurance or commitment. As long as you have love, trust and respect, you don't really have to care about what they do, as long as they remain to be a part of your life.
The Westlife song suddenly bursts into mind, with the lyrics, "I don't care who you are, what you do, where you're from, as long as you love me. As long as you love me baby". It is a must to have inner confidence and secureness in your own qualities and values, thus it aligns you with the rest of the world.
It is quite incredible, then, that she has learn detachment from a very young age. Tender is a child's mind, but strong is the impact. To love deeply and continuously without caring about the consequences and what comes after, that is true love. That is the selfless all-encompassing love with no attachment.
As you are not looking to gain anything from them in return for the love you provide, you detach the ego. The ego is detached by not expecting anything in return. To love without being materialistic. And that is how you find peace in love. Love that is without suffering or anguish because the ego is completely not present. What remains is a sense of self-love that is wholly fullfilling and you are able to extend that compassionate energy towards others in a positive uplifting light and spirit. After all, being kind to yourself is ahimsa, being confident and secure in yourself is ahimsa, and building up and connecting with yourself is ahimsa. Being good to yourself attracts goodness in your life, as well as good thoughts and good deeds that cleanses your own spirit.
And when I say 'a part', it means 'a part'. You nourish yourself, and love yourself and have fun and hobbies. Everything else comes second, as that self-loving will naturally means ahimsa (non-harming) to yourself and of course, including the ones you love.
All the close girls I love are cheerful, optimistic and bubbly with a kindness within and extended to greet those beyond.
Two cents worth from today's articles:
-Men do not want to be controlled or told what to do. (Avoid the command button, always ask or suggest first!)
-Do not be a WIMP who wears people out. WIMP- Woe is Me personality
(basically a full time whinger, complainer)
-I might have been guilty of that before as I did not look at my own situation and possible solutions, and turned to crying, complaining and whinging (sympathy seeking) instead.
-Next time, ask myself: 'What can I do in this situation to help myself?'
'What is the best way to deal with this?'
'What have I tried before? What worked and what didn't?'
-Upon successfully overcoming said problem/feeling/obstacle, and encountering it once more, ask 'I tried this last time. Should I do that again, or is there a better way we can solve this?'
The Westlife song suddenly bursts into mind, with the lyrics, "I don't care who you are, what you do, where you're from, as long as you love me. As long as you love me baby". It is a must to have inner confidence and secureness in your own qualities and values, thus it aligns you with the rest of the world.
It is quite incredible, then, that she has learn detachment from a very young age. Tender is a child's mind, but strong is the impact. To love deeply and continuously without caring about the consequences and what comes after, that is true love. That is the selfless all-encompassing love with no attachment.
As you are not looking to gain anything from them in return for the love you provide, you detach the ego. The ego is detached by not expecting anything in return. To love without being materialistic. And that is how you find peace in love. Love that is without suffering or anguish because the ego is completely not present. What remains is a sense of self-love that is wholly fullfilling and you are able to extend that compassionate energy towards others in a positive uplifting light and spirit. After all, being kind to yourself is ahimsa, being confident and secure in yourself is ahimsa, and building up and connecting with yourself is ahimsa. Being good to yourself attracts goodness in your life, as well as good thoughts and good deeds that cleanses your own spirit.
And when I say 'a part', it means 'a part'. You nourish yourself, and love yourself and have fun and hobbies. Everything else comes second, as that self-loving will naturally means ahimsa (non-harming) to yourself and of course, including the ones you love.
All the close girls I love are cheerful, optimistic and bubbly with a kindness within and extended to greet those beyond.
Two cents worth from today's articles:
-Men do not want to be controlled or told what to do. (Avoid the command button, always ask or suggest first!)
-Do not be a WIMP who wears people out. WIMP- Woe is Me personality
(basically a full time whinger, complainer)
-I might have been guilty of that before as I did not look at my own situation and possible solutions, and turned to crying, complaining and whinging (sympathy seeking) instead.
-Next time, ask myself: 'What can I do in this situation to help myself?'
'What is the best way to deal with this?'
'What have I tried before? What worked and what didn't?'
-Upon successfully overcoming said problem/feeling/obstacle, and encountering it once more, ask 'I tried this last time. Should I do that again, or is there a better way we can solve this?'
Tuesday, 14 April 2015
The Happiness Project
Coming across a book the other day, titled "The Happiness Project", a woman felt the need to research and pen down her thoughts and documented research on happiness, and how to achieve more positivity and happiness.
Her findings were quite interesting. And it was all proven. Although I did not purchase the book, I glimpsed a few interesting facts to take note of.
First of all, intimacy between man and woman are perceived differently. A woman feels the most intimate during a face to face conversation, or I call, a heart-to-heart talk. A man however, feels the most intimate when they are in the physical presence of the partner, whether doing a shared or individual activity. For instance, sitting down and watching a movie together is counted as quality time (that may come as a surprise to women because watching something, means not talking, and not talking, to many is a red flag of not communicating, and we all know what not communication leads to.)
SO, the problem it seems, is that we overthink. Overcomplicate. As Avril Lavigne says, 'Why do you have to make it so complicated? See the way you're acting like somebody else makes me so frustrated'. I truly did not realise it! It is so clear, so easy, the way to keep things going, is really, just to keep calm and carry on! I wonder who invented that tagline now, as it makes tremendous sense after all these deep philosophical thinking, it all comes down to a basic need.
It was of course then, truly and awefully surprising when he texted to say that watching Spirited Away without me has got him thinking and missing me. It takes A LOT for a man to show his emotions, his softness, I realise. A lot of the times, he is filled with a strict sense of purpose and discipline, much like my father. He disciplines himself to get what he wants in life, or at least what he thinks he wishes to achieve. The method is straightforward, direct and practical. Just like Nike's slogan, 'Just Do It!'. There is no room for pussies, chickening out, breaking down into pieces, once shattered, you regroup immediately and get up and keep going. Because what's keeping you? Waiting for something to happen, is waiting for nothing to happen. Making opportunities and creating things out of yourself counts more than waiting for miracles to happen.
With that, I find it in my heart to accept him for his passive coldness, his ability to want to focus on the 'right here, right now' things in his life, rather than 'what was here, I wish she was here' mindset. This is a man whose mind is sharper and tougher and does not want to be a product of his generation. He wants to break his limits, achieve impossible things and launch new ideas and concepts. He is a Creator of his own fate. Whom I admire very much. The same reason I admire Ed Sheeran, he makes his own destiny comes true- "selling CDs from my rucksack, aiming for the papers"- he sings.
While I am not yet a Creator, I am an Expressor. I express emotions. I feel happy when I get to be positive, smiling and talking with confidence, passion and positivity. I can also mould myself to become another character or attain another persona, I realise that I have indeed been my own PR person, skilled at saving my own skin and reputation. Unfortunately, this means that I have a little bit of a "Boove" tendency, spinning rather than confronting my problems head on. I spin to get the desired results and work when motivation is present. Guess it's not an entirely bad thing, but I do feel the need to achieve more.
Also, the findings represented that man and woman both feel emotionally better and well supported after interacting with close female friends rather than male friends. Male friends are just for laughs and goofiness I guess? But female friends are nice, warm and caring and easy to talk to, and often we feel more reassured in the company of caring nice women. Hmm, I guess I'll have to relent and give in to this finding, as all my friends are female, thus it could not be helped since the research said both MEN and women find it to be true. Maybe it is true having his female friends, that he could feel more manly or something. Or explore his feminine side or be able to be more goofy. For me, all my women friends are sources of trust, confidants and also seeing them personally striving for their own goals, makes me stand firm on my own feet and become more motivated.
Her findings were quite interesting. And it was all proven. Although I did not purchase the book, I glimpsed a few interesting facts to take note of.
First of all, intimacy between man and woman are perceived differently. A woman feels the most intimate during a face to face conversation, or I call, a heart-to-heart talk. A man however, feels the most intimate when they are in the physical presence of the partner, whether doing a shared or individual activity. For instance, sitting down and watching a movie together is counted as quality time (that may come as a surprise to women because watching something, means not talking, and not talking, to many is a red flag of not communicating, and we all know what not communication leads to.)
SO, the problem it seems, is that we overthink. Overcomplicate. As Avril Lavigne says, 'Why do you have to make it so complicated? See the way you're acting like somebody else makes me so frustrated'. I truly did not realise it! It is so clear, so easy, the way to keep things going, is really, just to keep calm and carry on! I wonder who invented that tagline now, as it makes tremendous sense after all these deep philosophical thinking, it all comes down to a basic need.
It was of course then, truly and awefully surprising when he texted to say that watching Spirited Away without me has got him thinking and missing me. It takes A LOT for a man to show his emotions, his softness, I realise. A lot of the times, he is filled with a strict sense of purpose and discipline, much like my father. He disciplines himself to get what he wants in life, or at least what he thinks he wishes to achieve. The method is straightforward, direct and practical. Just like Nike's slogan, 'Just Do It!'. There is no room for pussies, chickening out, breaking down into pieces, once shattered, you regroup immediately and get up and keep going. Because what's keeping you? Waiting for something to happen, is waiting for nothing to happen. Making opportunities and creating things out of yourself counts more than waiting for miracles to happen.
With that, I find it in my heart to accept him for his passive coldness, his ability to want to focus on the 'right here, right now' things in his life, rather than 'what was here, I wish she was here' mindset. This is a man whose mind is sharper and tougher and does not want to be a product of his generation. He wants to break his limits, achieve impossible things and launch new ideas and concepts. He is a Creator of his own fate. Whom I admire very much. The same reason I admire Ed Sheeran, he makes his own destiny comes true- "selling CDs from my rucksack, aiming for the papers"- he sings.
While I am not yet a Creator, I am an Expressor. I express emotions. I feel happy when I get to be positive, smiling and talking with confidence, passion and positivity. I can also mould myself to become another character or attain another persona, I realise that I have indeed been my own PR person, skilled at saving my own skin and reputation. Unfortunately, this means that I have a little bit of a "Boove" tendency, spinning rather than confronting my problems head on. I spin to get the desired results and work when motivation is present. Guess it's not an entirely bad thing, but I do feel the need to achieve more.
Also, the findings represented that man and woman both feel emotionally better and well supported after interacting with close female friends rather than male friends. Male friends are just for laughs and goofiness I guess? But female friends are nice, warm and caring and easy to talk to, and often we feel more reassured in the company of caring nice women. Hmm, I guess I'll have to relent and give in to this finding, as all my friends are female, thus it could not be helped since the research said both MEN and women find it to be true. Maybe it is true having his female friends, that he could feel more manly or something. Or explore his feminine side or be able to be more goofy. For me, all my women friends are sources of trust, confidants and also seeing them personally striving for their own goals, makes me stand firm on my own feet and become more motivated.
March Mayhem and April Stagnancy
It's been a while since I updated. I have been through a lot of indescribable things that will certainly change the way I look at things in life, but now that I have recovered, or am recovering slowly, here's an email to Anna sempai that recaps the March Mayhem and April Stagnancy chapter.
Dearest Joanne,
How are you doing, beautiful girl? It's Anna here from Magill Karate Dojo. I've really missed seeing your warm smile in class. I'm sorry that I missed the opportunity to say goodbye to you in person. Apparently, I arrived in class a day after your final night. In my head, I thought that you were leaving in early February and hence missed my chance to give you a big hug.
Hoping that you've settled back into home life. No doubt all your immediate family would be delighted to have you near them once more. Have you been able to commence a new job or are you continuing with study or relaxing? You were always so chilled out ;)
I do hope that you've been able to find a new dojo close by and have considered continuing with your karate. You were developing some great techniques and building up speed and power.
Tonight, we've finally moved back into our new dojo, it's taken this long! We are not in the same room as before, but in the old gym/weights area. The room is renovated with new carpet, air conditioning and has a storage room. Little smaller than before, but it'll suffice.
All the regulars still attend, though Sempai Kerrie has retired and we don't see Jon that often. Tutu and Bobby since last year! :( Ano is now senior orange and will grade in May for her green belt, Blake will go for blue and Sensei has said that I should also grade. This took me by great surprise as I only graded to brown belt last July and thought that I was not quite ready. I'm aiming for senior brown. Paul is that rank already.
My children are all doing well. School holidays at the moment, I might get a little crazy over the next two weeks! Xavier has just turned 9yo, he'll grade to blue belt in June. Laura also just turned 7yo and she'll be green belt at the next grading. Jakey still runs around, but he is keen to start. We might wait until the end of the year with him.
The dojo has grown in numbers. I'm usually busy with the handful of new white belt juniors. They're a mischievous bunch, lacking focus and always talkative. The adults class has also blossomed will new members. Some have previously trained elsewhere. Tonight we had about 16 people in the class!!
I hope you're enjoying life and keeping well. When you have a moment, please email, I'd love to hear from you too.
Love to you,Anna Wong xxx
Hi AnnaIt's great to hear from you! I am certainly very proud to have been part of such a great karate club with full committed spirit. As much as I am happy to hear of everyone making progress and going for greater achievements, unfortunately the same cannot be said for me. I know that you must wish to hear great and wonderful things from me, but since you asked how I'm doing, I would only wish to share what is true and not made up just for the sake. I hope that whatever I confide here will not be shared with the club members, not even Ano.
The past 2-3 months have been a personal struggle for me. On the one hand, I am really happy and relieved to see my immediate family. But I have been struggling to find myself. To identify what or who I am, and what I wish to do in life. It could be due to the lack of karate or social exercise, but I found myself emotional and empty at times. I jumped into the first job I was hired, because I was elated that someone believed in me and gave me the chance. However, things did not work out too well, and I quit the job within a month (March). I felt it did not suit me as a person, it was mundane and repetitive, and held no passion for me whatsoever. (It was a job as a office secretary, doing data entry and answering phone calls.)
I cried a lot during that time, and felt like a failure. I stayed at home everyday, and watched my Dad go off to work, my little sister of 10 years old go off to school. (I have two brothers- one working in another state (25), one studying in college (18). My mom passed away a few years ago of cancer.) (April) Right now, I have applied for a job as a writer at a really respectable company. I feel like I am at their mercy as I keep waiting for the news, after having gone to the interviews. These days, I sit at home alone, wondering how to make the best use of time. After receiving your email, I feel a little motivation but I am not sure if I still have it in me to be a karate-ka. In reality, I feel defeated in spirit and lost without purpose and meaning in life. My boyfriend (who still lives in Adelaide and in his final year studies) felt concern and asked me to see a psychologist. I went for one session only (because of the expensive fees), and the psychologist told me that what is happening is that I am going through a grieving process- I was mourning the loss of my life in Adelaide- the life I lead there, the friends I have there, the fun and warmth with bonded people- my mind and heart is still in Adelaide while my body is here in Malaysia. He said that no matter how much I loved and missed my life there, I have to accept that things have changed. And I have to accept what my life is now, and find ways to make it meaningful.
It was extremely hard to hear that, and I was still stuck about what to do to help fulfill myself. I begin to go out and reconnect with Mother Nature, jungle trekking at a small hill nearby my house. Going through the woods was a great workout- going up and down the tricky slopes, but also calming as you hear the wind rustling the trees, the birds sing and a sense of peace. So far, that is all I have been really doing. Waiting for the news of my job application, jungle trekking solo, and greeting my family every time they come home.
Your email came at the right time, as I felt that I needed someone trustworthy to confess to. No one besides my boyfriend knows about what I'm going through.
He loves me very much, but he wants the best for me. He had tried breaking up with me earlier as he felt that a long distance relationship (without a certain end date) would be stressful and unbearable for me. He has a busy life, and is not often available to call or text. Sometimes, we would talk only every 2 or 3 days. To him, that is normal and acceptable, but to me, that was me stretching my limit. I would have loved to Skype and talk to him every single day, but it is not possible. There was a point where I was so needy and desperate for him, that I ended up pushing him away. So, in order to maintain the relationship, I had to learnt to how to keep my cool. To appear more independant to my boyfriend, even though I don't know how. It is easier said than done, when the psychologist told me, 'just go and develop your own life and interests and passion and not depend on him or anyone to make you feel happy'.
I still don't know where my life is going now. I have tried reading some inspirational articles to get my spirits up, it said 'I am the driver sitting in the driver's seat of my own life.' The thing is, because I don't have a destination, I could only drive aimlessly. I still feel lost and searching, but I am hoping that things will all fall into place sooner or later. How I miss the times when I was just an international student in Adelaide, enjoying and living life to the fullest, exploring my limits and boundaries with karate and newfound friends who felt like family. It is not easy being an adult.
I really appreciate your email, Anna sempai. Please don't be too disappointed in me. Hope you'll write back to me and give me some perspective and what you think. I admire you guys. I am so happy for all of you, and your kids who are growing up well and happily :)
LoveJoanne
I am pleasantly surprised that my connections in Adelaide have emailed me back to ask how I am doing. From the beautiful and kind Kate, to the wise and tender heated Anna, to the independant warrior women Rachel DS and Sam Nest, and cheerful little Anastasia. These women have supported me and inspired me more than I could ever imagine, and hearing from them again was so great. They miss my warm smile, filled with sincerity, the very reason why Nesh fell in love with me.
I read a quote that would now be my motto, just as "HakunaMatata" is about leading a worries-free life, when I have worries, just express it all out, write, listen to meditation music, hike and do yoga, kiai the anxious energy and expel it out, turning it into goodness and wholesome energy, the life source prana. The motto is, "The best way to cheer yourself up is to cheer someone else up". With Jolin's jovial attitude, it was easy, though sometimes hindered by her addiction to the iPad, our connections with the house cat and sisterhood bonds allowed the smiles and cheer to come with more ease.
Friday, 13 February 2015
Post break-up hobby
Skating really helps. It really moves me forward because it is so symbolic. Putting one foot in front of the other and getting up no matter how many times you fall. Standing on your own feet. Mastering the basic movements, or getting somewhere near. There is a quote that says, 'No matter how slow your progress is, you are still making an improvement compared to those who never started, never tried or have given up'. I thought I hated skating, but now I am addicted to the challenge and the nice feeling that you get when you can finally cruise along with each effort you put in.
Skating also illustrates the statement of 'No pain, no gain'. Make no mistakes, learning skating could be a thrilling adventure, but it is inadvertently painful when you fall down on solid ice. It also depends on how you land and how you break your fall when you land, the severity of the injury varies. It is akin to life where there are many things that could knock you over, knock you down, and leave a bruise or cut, deep or shallow. Time heals. Things become normal again, hopefully, after some time has passed. It would be nice if solutions start presenting themselves at the most convenient timing. But we have to search deep within for self transformation. It is no easy feat, but I know I wronged a person and twisted his love out of perspective, to the brink of exhaustion and breaking point. It is my fault, I guess right now, I am not well equipped to deal with the stress and uncertainties that long-distance relationship brings.
Timeline
Morning: Exchange of heated words on Facebook, subsequent talk and break-up on Viber. Consolation on Viber.
Moments later: Reinstallation of Facebook, forgiveness and forgiving on Facebook, promises to keep in touch.
Midnight: Checking up on me. Normal texting. Warm talk, caring, loving, forgiving, sticking to decision, let things run its course.
Daytime feelings: Sadness, sorrow, loneliness, desperation, tears, tears leaking whenever something tender comes to mind, crying and regretting.
Night: Desperation, still hoping to win him back, pleading, talking, bargaining, learning my mistake, coming to terms, respecting his decision, pulling out, retreating with the faintest glimmer of hope, promise to keep in touch still stands. Listening to Taylor Swift songs, surprised that there are no more tears flowing or leaking out.
Immediate thoughts: Refrain from contacting to not be an emotional burden. Refrain from contacting to cultivate some degree of emotional independence.
Regime: Keeping busy, books, chores, skating, music therapy, meditation, job hunt, piano skills.
Lessons learned:
Stop complaining and crying. (Avoid draining energy)
Don't sweat the small stuff. Don't go nuts over small details. See the bigger picture.
Emotional stability and complete trust in the other person. This means trusting that they are taking good care of themselves when they are out of touch, don't go crazy trying to contact them. All is well!
Trust them enough to know that they will contact you or check on you whenever able to, even if that means a few days!
No emotional blackmailing or manipulation, pointing fingers and being quick to blame and judge. Always be responsible for your own words and actions, and while others might or might not be, remember that no one is prefect! It does not do any good to accuse and yell (destroys feelings towards each other, disrupts harmony) when one person slips up.
Accept that people need room to breathe, and live their own life (dabble in own interests, meet own friends, or just plain enjoying alone time!) without being affectionate or caring towards you 24/7. No one lives to serves and please you!! Don't use anyone as an emotional outlet as overly high emotional attachment destroys relationships!!
Skating also illustrates the statement of 'No pain, no gain'. Make no mistakes, learning skating could be a thrilling adventure, but it is inadvertently painful when you fall down on solid ice. It also depends on how you land and how you break your fall when you land, the severity of the injury varies. It is akin to life where there are many things that could knock you over, knock you down, and leave a bruise or cut, deep or shallow. Time heals. Things become normal again, hopefully, after some time has passed. It would be nice if solutions start presenting themselves at the most convenient timing. But we have to search deep within for self transformation. It is no easy feat, but I know I wronged a person and twisted his love out of perspective, to the brink of exhaustion and breaking point. It is my fault, I guess right now, I am not well equipped to deal with the stress and uncertainties that long-distance relationship brings.
Timeline
Morning: Exchange of heated words on Facebook, subsequent talk and break-up on Viber. Consolation on Viber.
Moments later: Reinstallation of Facebook, forgiveness and forgiving on Facebook, promises to keep in touch.
Midnight: Checking up on me. Normal texting. Warm talk, caring, loving, forgiving, sticking to decision, let things run its course.
Daytime feelings: Sadness, sorrow, loneliness, desperation, tears, tears leaking whenever something tender comes to mind, crying and regretting.
Night: Desperation, still hoping to win him back, pleading, talking, bargaining, learning my mistake, coming to terms, respecting his decision, pulling out, retreating with the faintest glimmer of hope, promise to keep in touch still stands. Listening to Taylor Swift songs, surprised that there are no more tears flowing or leaking out.
Immediate thoughts: Refrain from contacting to not be an emotional burden. Refrain from contacting to cultivate some degree of emotional independence.
Regime: Keeping busy, books, chores, skating, music therapy, meditation, job hunt, piano skills.
Lessons learned:
Stop complaining and crying. (Avoid draining energy)
Don't sweat the small stuff. Don't go nuts over small details. See the bigger picture.
Emotional stability and complete trust in the other person. This means trusting that they are taking good care of themselves when they are out of touch, don't go crazy trying to contact them. All is well!
Trust them enough to know that they will contact you or check on you whenever able to, even if that means a few days!
No emotional blackmailing or manipulation, pointing fingers and being quick to blame and judge. Always be responsible for your own words and actions, and while others might or might not be, remember that no one is prefect! It does not do any good to accuse and yell (destroys feelings towards each other, disrupts harmony) when one person slips up.
Accept that people need room to breathe, and live their own life (dabble in own interests, meet own friends, or just plain enjoying alone time!) without being affectionate or caring towards you 24/7. No one lives to serves and please you!! Don't use anyone as an emotional outlet as overly high emotional attachment destroys relationships!!
Tuesday, 10 February 2015
Long Distance Relationship
Besides the disappointing long wait: a whole lot of waiting time plus speculation and checking your phone, wondering whether he's gonna text or text back, wondering what he's doing, wondering whether he's thinking about you when I literally think about him every waking moment, there's a fun part of LDR that I never expected to embark on. Sexting.
How it all started
During one of our usual 'I miss you, I love you' Skype chats, he suddenly asked out loud, 'Do you want to try to have some fun?'. I heard him the first time, but just to be sure (and to avoid embarassment), I pretended I haven't heard it, and loudly said, "What?" So then, we had our first ever Skype sex. While Skype sex is already to be expected- Since we were a sexually active couple, I knew at some point, he would have requested me to strip in front of the camera, but I didn't expect it to be in Week 1 of LDR. Masturbation is never on my to-do list, and it never occur to me how to get satisfaction alone nor did I take to it even after having encouraged by him. It was after the Skype sex session was over, a few hours later, during our non-commmittal Whatsapp conversations that he asked if it was 'wrong to ask for a few full bodied pictures of me'. I was so quizzed, and I reconfirmed again, he told me to take my time.
So I sent a single one, taken in a hurry in not-my bathroom. It was what I thought a nice 'nude' should look like, I've always heard of the idea of sending nude pictures, I just wasn't sure what blurred the boundaries between nude pics and pornographic images. So since it was my first nude, a modest shot of the breasts, down to my privates. It was a selfie, so the legs were automatically cropped out. I loved his voice when he told me how beautiful I looked. The tone of his voice, you would have thought he was marvelling at some miracle goddess descended from heaven, I felt empowered. When I felt that way, there was no stopping it.
Volunteering all the way
He never specifically asked me to send more pictures, but he just hinted that. And I know he would like it. So I sent another first, this time (and all the rest), it was not a selfie. I wanted to achieve Titanic's 'paint me like a French girl' pose, or simply a mermaid pose. With my thighs pressed together like a proper lady, and lying on my side, the nude looked nice in natural sunlight, demure, and serene even. This time, his affirmation and love of my beauty, instead of just melting my heart into a puddle, sparked a kind of furore. I wanted to be there for him. In an odd way, I thought this was perhaps the best way of showing I cared, I wanted to be intimate, I wanted to be his loyal partner.
After another Skype sex session (our second), in which he directed and took very provocative snapshots of me in various positions, as he put it, I felt like a pornstar. His pornstar. I promised him (although he had seen so much of me already), I would send him my own pictures. Right after we disconnected, I took serious fantasy porn shots- my curvy pear shaped body sideways, a full on spread lips that leaves nothing to hide, and a bent over shot from the back with my body leaning far forward, full view from the back and face still visible in the mirror. With nearly all the shots, I now realised that it is important for nudes to have my face in it at all times wherever possible, otherwise there is no difference than normal pics. I guess that what he means by full bodied pictures:) One great night of sexting where we both stayed awake till 4-5 am (6-7 am for him), our texting went wild and the next day after, I sent naughty housewife pics to him. The choice of clothing was very gender-centred, and what can I say, it really showcased my butt in a understated, yet sexy and playful manner.
After a while, I felt really dirty and tired of it, I thought I had enough, I can't possibly keep this up and keep sending all those pictures. In all those nudes, I aimed to appear beautiful, sexy, hot and erotic, everything under the sun, except vulgar. There was only truly one vulgar pic, wait, make that 3: where my legs were spread wide, a close-up of my lips, and one where I was posing in action. Through sexting, I discovered to my dismay after a normal Skype chat that, it was a bit devastating to discover that he only sweet talks when he's horny, and man, how could I blame Cathy, I'm a sucker for sweet talk, especially when it's the worshipping, adoring my body sweet talk.
I thought I was sick of it already, I mean, I kind of objectified myself as a sex object, but isn't if really confusing, that although it is what it is, I don't really view it as being objectified (perhaps until the singing praises dies down), I genuinely felt a thrill after sending those pictures. The feedback, as I know, won't vary much, but it was always interesting to note his tone (quivering or dreamy), and his choice of words: which so far, had covered nearly everything: beautiful, incredibly beautiful, hot, sexy, my beautiful, beautiful angel. I really feel so empowered! And seeing good pictures of myself adored by him turns on my self-love several notches up! Which is not so surprising then, that I delved right back into it, when he asked me what I was doing, when I happened to be doing nude yoga. I was just starting actually. Hearing his chuckle and nice 'mmm' after I told him about doing yoga nude, I could resist no further. He didn't even have to nudge me, he just left it at, "enjoy yourself". I knew it would be impossible, thus I began with a nude lotus, which he really appreciated. The second best shot I got out of the whole lot of nude yoga poses, would be the upside-down pose (proper name: Wide legged forward bend) where he could practically see everything: the two halves of my body folded into each other, yet it could be beautiful seen. The only pose where you could see all three: rounded butt, lips and nipples upside down. He extremely loved that one:)
And that brings us to the end. The 'text' part of sexting, when done continuously, is extremely fun and thrilling- the words get to me like an erotic novel, the detailed descriptions of what he would do to me is a huge turn on, the 'sending nude pics' part of texting was a great fun challenge and works my creative impromptu brain cells, and the feedback is the one that makes my day.
The icing of the cake was when he sent back a text that said, 'My collection <3' with all his favourite pics. I felt proud of myself. Sexting really fires up a long distance relationship (even better since we never tried sexting when we were together). I just want to keep our normal conversations going as I know, if compared to sexting, it is probably 100 times duller, but it is necessary, and vital in fact, to make the relationship valid and organically a relationship, not obsessed with sex culture.Sexting empowers me, as long as he is receptive and positive with glowing comments, it fullfills both of us, and explains without words my willingness to reveal myself to him as a partner. Not just a girlfriend he said, but a partner. I guess that means, we are getting somewhere.
Despite his annoying behaviour of not wanting to take any selfies (even when we were on the Great Ocean Trip alone!), he has uploaded a few selfies, two pics now that I recall, one of me in Melbourne, one of us in Zhivago, where he tagged me as 'partner', so this has redeemed it. I know I shouldn't keep tabs like that. The long waits are worth it then, I hope we can meet at least every six months, but I know even that would be asking for too much from him, so I am keeping it down, asking is okay, but begging is not, and I know it annoys him when I keep pressing him for a date. I know things are not as we planned, but the first kiss and cuddle would mean so much to me after not seeing him for ages, and naturally we will go all the way as we did during my graduation night.
P.S. Nearly 2 weeks of LDR. Skype. Skype sex. Revolutionary sexting. Loads of free time. Chores. Procrastination. Job-hunting. Upcoming CNY.
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