Clear skies

Why do we fall down?
So we can pick ourselves up again.

The heavy feeling is gone, and everything inside me has been restored once again. It seems that I have recovered from a slight depression mode. And I would think that the people around me have helped tremendously, although none knew a single thing about the state of my internal turmoil. 

The frustration and helplessness inside has ebbed away, leaving only a faint trace, and replaced by a warm feeling. One is that is comfortable and nice. And still I'm not entirely sure what to make of the past or current events. 

My soul searching hadn't gone very far when my head cleared up and my feet landed on firm ground again, finding the desire to stand on my own feet once more. In fact I wasn't even sure if there was any solid progress or development in my soul searching, since I was mostly researching up online and doing it quite idly. 

There's one thing I'm quite certain about now. It's that, I can only be my true self when I'm around people that I really trust and sure that I want to open up to them. I've always been 100% myself when I'm around my immediate family members, but I don't think it's quite the case with casual friends. I think I only show those people what I want them to see and think of me as. It's not like I distrust everyone, it's more to the fact that I don't care much about random people or very casual acquaintances, it's just not enough to make me want to share my life and bits of myself with them. 

Sometimes I don't care about how I am, I'll just keep to myself. And that in itself is considered anti-social since I don't even make an effort. Antisocial is bad, it's dangerous. It's just half-heartedly getting to know them and trying not to forget their names. Which I am guilty of a lot of times. Mostly because I think it's not worth to spend my energy on some casual acquaintances whom only fall within my company once in a while. It's not like I'm meeting them that often anyway. 

But less of that, and more of being open, friendly and sociable is what I need to keep in mind from now on. It's probably a bad excuse, but I find that I won't put in as much effort with people who are already in cliques or those who have already formed their own preference people to hang out with. It's really awkward trying to butt in with people who share chemistry that you don't share; makes one feel like an outcast. I usually do quite well and end up ok but from time to time I get a tough situation where people are already comfy with each other and as the newcomer it's quite hard to get any chemistry clicking. Or even the feeling of being lonely when among people. 

But now, I'm past all that self-pitying and misery-indulging atmosphere. I've put up with a lot of things and there's sure to be more coming next. What's going to come must come, I will face it. And today was quite a fun day, I think I was occupied for quite a while. Knowing that I won't have my kin to back me up in Aus. just makes me treasure these moments a lot more. I'm less grumpy and find less fault in things, just having a good time. If only it could always be so. 

Still, it's quite reassuring to know that there are others who believe in me. All the goodness that makes me myself, I promise not to lose that. I owe it the people who care about me:)

Predicament

All that consists of me is getting distorted. Some parts are disintegrating. Seriously, I feel like a malfunctioning machine. Except that I am of course human, a person right before one's very eyes. 

This issue is important, I can't ignore it. I need to handle myself before I know how to handle other people. Seems that I've overlooked that and allowed the introverted side of me to dominate. As such, it was a lost cause today, as I was stuck in a situation that doesn't favour that side of me.

Nothing is ever what it was now, there's no way to turn back, I can only move forward. At least that's the only thing I am certain of now: to move forward.

I need to pull myself together, but this won't be easy. The odds are not in my favour. I need to put in extra effort to piece everything back together. As for the perplexing problem that can't be solved easily; I must understand it better and find some way to work around it. 

Swirling

Swiftly the river flows,

under the current something stirs,

a bubbling depth yet to be discovered,

and only time will unlock its secrets.

I've gotten myself into a lot of things lately. Even though it's a semester break, there's no shortage of things for me to do, stuff for me to ponder on, and activities that catch my attention!

 Here are a few exciting scenarios that are thrust upon me.

1. I am going to Australia.

2. I can buy my own DSLR soon.

3. I might be going on a date.

All three scenarios are utterly fraught with perils, complete with a slightly hesitant feeling.

(e.g. Voice inside my head says, "Am I doing the right thing?'' "Is this worth it?")

But first, I was positively beaming with joy when I told my parents I wanted to go to Australia. It's a chance for me to write another new chapter in my life! Come to think of it, there are so many chapters that I have been through already (and closed), it was definitely a joyful feeling that I would be able to start another one very soon!

Except for the timeless classic moments with my beloved family (which we all love to recap and it never gets old!), my life's journey is divided into chapters that I start and end. Most of the time, chapters that are done remain closed, but in a very rare occasion there is a connection with the new chapters, although this has only probably happened once or twice (It is very rare indeed for old chapters to link with new ones). Most of the time, I only revisit those chapters in my memories, but I try not to dwell on the past chapters and just let it be. Besides, given the right situation, it is more fun creating new chapters!

So, as my brother says, I am to be given wings to fly! And I very much agree with that, since it's the source of my euphoria right now! I'll have a say in everything I do once I'm there! Much to my surprise, I get a resounding support from both sides. I don't need anything else from them, I'm really happy with that. That'll do. Reckon it's sort of an excellent 'training' for me, huh? Oh I suppose it benefits me, so I'm ready. In fact I've really prepared for it mentally. Nothing will shake me when my resolve is strong and whole being firm. I hope.

My buddy support system has fallen. It's not a big deal really, I've seen it coming. I've accepted it long ago when I felt we were growing miles and miles apart. It might be a little uncomfortable to get through the other semester, but I'll just have to deal with it. I'm glad at least one person has got my back and it's highly useful for the time I'll be in another campus. Fingers crossed. I'm equipped to deal with anything. I can't allow trivial things to fluster me. I must have the strong unwavering mentality of Katniss.

And now, I'd be lying if I told you I have not yearn and desired for a DSLR! How many times have I felt incompetent and inferior just because I don't own one? The answer is: countless times. From the moment I was in BRATs, with The Star, doing my college and university assignments, and running on field assignments. Every moment, I've felt that my efforts are worthless and can't be taken into serious consideration compared to the high end results achieved by the others. Every time I've reassured myself that it will be ok, since there are others, I will be passed by and overlooked, therefore I don't have to care, and just pull my weight in writing. But how long can this go on? With the inclusion of YNN recently, is there the more reason I should buy one?

But another side of me is churning out reasons why I should not buy a DSLR. I admit that I'm not a shutterbug, I don't spend my time snapping happily away and trying to capture artistic shots. For travelling, even the Canon compact I used for my trip to Japan last year suffices, as I do not take many photos; I prefer to soak in the view with my eyes than the camera's lens. For leisure and travel and even events and special occasions, I really only take the necessary shots. I am conflicted now. Will I be a shutterbug or a photography/videography enthusiast once I get a DSLR? I doubt it. But I will surely enjoy the quality of the work when I need to use it for whatever specific reasons.

If Catherine can buy one for no specific reason only to take photos for leisure, why shouldn't I, when it's so important and necessary for my work and assignments? It wouldn't hurt to have beautiful HD pictures of travel or leisure. My fear is that the DSLR camera will be under utilized! But is that enough reason to hold me back from purchasing a DSLR, when I fully know that I will be in Australia for nearly two years? Surely, my travelling/sightseeing and workload will require me to use the camera frequently but once I get home, the opportunity might decrease drastically, unless I have events, we go travelling or I got field work to run for again. But isn't it a bit pointless to think so far ahead- two years ahead; how can I anticipate things? I'll never know truly what the future holds. I mean, I didn't expect all these things up to this point to occur when I made my New Year's resolution on the stroke of midnight on New Year's Eve.

My impulse is urging me to go for the Nikon D3100 or the D5100. Or the Canon T2i. Why did I stayed up so long watching entry level DSLR YouTube videos if I don't wish to buy one? Wish is different from needs. It's more of a desire, a want. But for me, I'm buying it because I need it for my work purposes. I was fine before with a compact and I wouldn't suddenly want one out of the blue if work circumstances hadn't pushed me to need to acquire one. But I've never touch a DSLR before, the closest I have to it was the Sony NEX-5, which I loved! But I'm not getting that. One, because if I'm serious about buying anything, I shouldn't go for the half-baked choice and two, I don't want to be a copycat, and three, I'm sure with a bit of practice I'll get the hang of a DSLR. After all, an entry level DSLR is supposed to be as easy to use as a point-and-shoot!

So the possible date in question is a useful person since he knows a lot about cameras. Although I've learnt to let go and accept defeat, my interest in this has been at a really low level. Maybe I'm imagining it, but he seems quite adamant. The idea is to let him teach me about DSLRs, how to handle one, and maybe window shop and have a feel of the cameras that I've had in mind, but it seems that looming on the agenda is something else. Something that seems like a date, but I'm not a hundred percent convinced. He'll have to do more to convince me. The date might be a make-it-or-break-it, but I'll just enjoy myself with the activities and hope nothing turns out too awkward/uncomfortable/embarrassing. It's impossible not to enjoy the activities that's been laid out, but whether the mood and conversation flows, I dare not have any expectations.

I'm exhausted, but I'm happy that at least the dullness within me is now changed to a revived mode!

Certain things will already be different too, but this just paves way for the ultimate change!

After all, a river has a turning point, one that is the river bend!