'Change is the only constant in life'- Heraclitus (Greek Philosopher)
Today, I turn 27. This year has been perhaps, in no small exaggeration, the most difficult by far. The word difficult here isn't really a negative connotation. This year, a lot of things in my life started to break away from the normal patterns, the honeycomb of comfort zone which I am so used to. It build up like little cracks in the ground, until everything started to shake and the tectonic plates shifted, displacing everything I have ever known.
I realise that I have become stuck in my habits and not adapting to the changing times. In Taylor's lyrics (Lover album), there is a line that goes 'We say that we'll just screw it up in these trying times. We're not trying'.
I guess if you take these lyrics at face value, it simply means that if you don't try in trying times, then you'll just screw it up. Because for those who are really trying, when the times get tough, the tough get going. So it has come to a point that I can no longer really hide or supress my true self- it has been open to all to see- all who know me, whether they love me or not- my true nature has surfaced to the open, right from my core. No longer painting pretty pictures, things are real this time.
If I were being honest, I miss halcyon days- aka student life. Simply because it was so carefree. Not a worry in the world. Even when I started worrying, it was because I really wanted to find a soulmate. Someone who completes me. Now I learnt that there is no such thing. You have to be complete and contented with your life, regardless of whether someone comes along. Your life is yours to lead, build, create; and your values, dream, and goals, are yours to cultivate. The partner is lucky to be able to share your life; and you theirs. But everything is whole on its own. I have to be able to stand on my own two feet.
If you had asked the 22 year old me, where do you see yourself in five years' time? The now 27 year old me would say - certainly not like this. So broken. So sad. Yet so full of hope for good things to come, for magic to happen.
I learned it, not in the easiest way, that for good things to happen, you have to take care of what you have right now. And do it justice. Sort out the baggage and bad habits (take out the trash). Amplify the good and see other people for their sufferings or their unique needs.
It was a huge relief when after I did a brainwave EQ test that I found out that I am anxious and afraid to fail (though my older brother heard me say 'warrior':). I know now that my energy should not go into worrying about the future, but taking steps instead to make sure I bring my best today. My efforts today and bringing my best self out in the present would definitely set a strong footing or mindset which would prove helpful for the future, no matter what challenges I have to weather.
An honest conversation with Dad today revealed a great depth of things which he would have never told me otherwise. That he always loved and protected his children, no matter how much he had to sacrifice. Even when he felt that he was unloved, uncared for, and carrying the burden alone, he still chugged on because he truly loved us.
Inside, he was dying for us to show a bit of care (to help him out with the chores), he always defended us when relatives called us 'self centered' or 'lazy', but he did feel very sad and very tired why we couldn't bother to lift our finger to help him, or care for him, when he worked day and night, and provided for the entire family through his blood, sweat and tears. When Dad poured his heart out, I felt kind of surprised. I've always thought that breadwinners don't need looking after, but I was wrong. After a long hard day, you'd expect the people who love you, who you had raised and taken care of and defended since young to adults, would actually show some empathy too.
I've always been living in my own world, expecting others to protect and care for me. Whether they are family, friends, acquaintances, I have always wanted others to understand me and put me first. I've seldom returned the gesture unless I am trying to impress someone. But once I have 'won them over' and the 'need to impress' lessens over time, I stop whatever I was doing and then start demanding again (without giving back too).
With awareness, comes realisation. And with realisation, comes change. 5 years. 22 year old me was only just graduating, full of joy and hope. Wondering what the big world (after student life) has to offer. There was certainly some teething problems when entering the workforce, but now seeing everyone making their days count, I also look forward to make each day of mine count.
Now, I'm 27, I can still make it count. Why let dust mites and chaos win? When all these things can be taken care of?
3 birthday resolutions:
B. reathe (Do daily breathing exercises-
alternate nostril breathing, expelling breath, cooling breath)
B. log (Do daily check-ins through writing
to express emotions, thoughts, reflections)
C. lean (Start by tidying clothes and declutter ocassionally
Birthday note:
Dear Joanne,
Hey! Happy Birthday girl! I know times are trying but hang in there beautiful! As long as your heart is in the right place, your mind will follow:)
Don't worry yourself silly too much about things that you can't change (a.k.a. other people *wink wink) or things that have already happened (even storybook characters learn to leave their tragic past behind them to shape new lives- a.k.a. Harry Potter *wink *wink)!
Do you know that as a Scorpio, death and rebirth is your realm? I kid you not, it is said that Scorpios are even immortal! Haha:) But on a more realistic note, here is what it says about your supernatural power! :)
Our ego enables us to navigate our earthly life. Yet there comes a time when the ego and physical form we identify with must die. Death is but one stage in the cycle of reincarnation. In this cycle, our spirit climbs upward in an ever-expanding spiral, similar to the kundalini force surging up the spine during awakening.
Just as a snake sheds its skin, we need to periodically shed parts of ourselves so we can spitually transform and regenerate anew. Scorpio asks us to venture into the deepest parts of our subconscious, and experience the 'death' of our ego-identified self so we can become transformed and experience rebirth. This is how we evolve at the soul level.
Also, just think of all the things that you do as things that EMPOWER yourself. That's right! Empowering, like girl power! Like Powerpuff Girls! Haha:) Well, it's true that the things and responsibilities that falls on your shoulders might be tougher, but it all comes back to you! Upskilling yourself to a whole new level! :) You can finally do some tough, big girl things without relying too much on others. You are obtaining new powers girl! :) Do some good with it and care for yourself too! And the love will simply overflow to others as well. I really do believe it:)
Hit pause, slow down and enjoy life as many times as you want:) Yes, it's important to smell the roses even when you're working hard to build a garden. Soon, you'll be able to harvest the fruits of your own labours. And no one, NO ONE in the world, can take your skills and knowledge away from you. Isn't that incredible! :) And the good news is, sharing is caring! Once you master those, you can even pass on the skills to others, or simply use it for goodness and kindness to make someone's life have an even bigger, brighter sunshine.
So keep smiling, keep those breathing exercises handy and write in as often as you want to:) Make it a motto to keep things neat too in the long run because clutter ain't pretty:) Have fun always and just be yourself, but your best self with the right foot forward! You can do it, I believe in you and I can't wait to grow into your skin, and heal in the most beautiful way, making sense of this bizzare, incredible, extraordinary ordinary life. Balance, peace, harmony, love always.
-XOXO
27 y/o Joanne to my present day self:)
