I am happily married now! Adopted a cat too back in March the week after ROM and named her Belly. I am in a safe healthy relationship where the partnership is stable, fun, respectful and my partner is loving, fun, kinda popular (because he is extroverted and has many real friends), and caring. He cried during the vows! And it truly touched everyone's hearts, and made me cry too. Even Dad teared up when walking down the aisle!
And speaking of the wedding! It was pretty fancy and oh soooo dreamy! With the gentle rain pattering on the glasshouse (it was flooding outside haha but never mind that). The rain lent a romantic mood to the already lovely garden setting and I was spoiled with three gorgeous dresses (thanks to Ee Ee's generous sponsorship): one mermaid, one A-line waltz dress, and one princess ballgown dress. All is good in love as I found "the one"!
Not all that is well ends well though. The following week, I was met with an unexpected unravelling of what once was disguised as a "friendship", but in reality, it was heavily power imbalanced, and in no way, resembling a healthy friendship in any aspect. With some reflection and homework, here is what I have come to share.
Friendship is often thought of as effortless, joyful, and self-sustaining — a bond that brings laughter, support, and shared memories. For many years, this was the expectation (and experience), and for most friendships, it holds true. Yet, sometimes, a relationship reveals itself to be misaligned with core values, showing patterns of behaviour that are draining, dismissive, or manipulative.
During the preparation and celebration of a significant life event, my own wedding, a previously close friend played an important role, emceeing the ceremony and supporting moments that would later become cherished memories. On the surface, the past friendship appeared warm, lively, and engaging - and publicly, it was exactly that. Yet, in private, during a shared Penang trip that followed the wedding, a different side emerged. Conflicts escalated into arguments, boundaries were tested, and subtle manipulations revealed themselves. Moments that should have been lighthearted or cooperative instead became emotionally taxing.
This experience highlighted an essential truth: friendships are defined not by appearances or public charm, but by how they make one feel in the presence of another. Emotional safety, mutual care, authenticity, and joy are eseential and non-negotiable - they are the pillars that determine whether a relationship is nourishing or draining.
From this realization, a personal friendship philosophy emerged — one that honours both past memories and lessons learned, and that guides future choices in selecting, cultivating, and maintaining relationships. This philosophy serves as both a reflection and a compass, ensuring that every connection nurtures wellbeing, authenticity, and growth.
Friendships are experiential. Emotional safety, validation, joy, and support are the essential measures.
Boundaries are a form of self-respect. Choosing which relationships to continue or end is an act of care for oneself.
Positive reframing strengthens the mind. Using active, affirming language like “embrace, cultivate, celebrate” trains the mind to seek nourishing connections.
Integration of CBT, ACT, and REBT provides a complete toolkit:
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CBT: Identifies thoughts and body reactions → reframes anxiety
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ACT: Clarifies values and committed action → builds resilience
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REBT: Challenges irrational beliefs → strengthens rational decision-making
CBT (Cognitive Behavioural Therapy)
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Hypervigilance after conflict is a normal protective response. Physiological signs such as a racing heart or tension are signals that the nervous system is adjusting to a new, safe reality.
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Anxiety spikes post-conflict are part of the brain’s “extinction test”; repeated safe experiences gradually reduce hyper-alertness.
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Key takeaway: anxiety is evidence of learning, not failure.
ACT (Acceptance and Commitment Therapy)
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Focus on differentiating what can be controlled (choices, boundaries, alignment with values) versus what cannot (others’ behaviour).
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List-based exercises help clarify and reinforce values:
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List A: Appreciable memories and supportive experiences.
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List B: Skills gained — boundary-setting, self-control, emotional resilience.
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List C: Core life values — happiness, authenticity, ahimsa.
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Key takeaway: aligning action with values fosters resilience and reduces emotional drainage.
REBT (Rational Emotive Behaviour Therapy)
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Challenges rigid, unrealistic beliefs about friendship, such as: “Peace must always be maintained at all costs” or “Caring about someone requires tolerating harm”.
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Rational alternatives replace these beliefs:
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“It is possible to care without compromising wellbeing.”
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“Past kindness can be honoured while selecting relationships that align with values.”
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Key takeaway: rational evaluation of beliefs strengthens emotional independence and clarity in friendship choices.
Anchor Values
Emotional Safety – Feeling heard, respected, and validated.
Mutual Prioritisation – Balancing care and attention for both oneself and others.
Kindness and Compassion – Approaching friendships with generosity of spirit and genuine concern for wellbeing.
Fun and Joy – Creating shared experiences that energise and inspire.
Non-Harming / Ahimsa – Upholding the principle of not causing harm, emotionally or psychologically.
Authenticity – Encouraging honesty, self-expression, and the freedom to be true to oneself.
These values act as a moral compass, guiding decisions about which relationships to nurture, maintain, or release.
Integrating Maya Angelou’s Wisdom
Maya Angelou famously said:
“I’ve learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.”
Friendships are experienced most deeply through how they make one feel. Public charm, helpfulness, or popularity do not define a meaningful connection; the emotional experience does. Safety, validation, joy, and support are the true indicators of authentic, lasting friendships.
My Friendship Philosophy
I cultivate friendships where I feel safe, seen, and valued, where mutual care, joy, and authenticity flow naturally.
I nurture connections that align with my core values and bring out the best in myself and others.
I prioritise my peace and emotional wellbeing, and I celebrate friendships that offers support, camaraderie, and genuine connection.
I honour the good memories and lessons, and I embrace relationships that consistently uplift, energise, and support me.
