Acceptance At Last

 According to Viktor Frankl’s Existential Theory, Man’s life needs to have meaning in order to be fulfilling - in other words, living instead of merely existing. 

One can do that through merit-making or contribution - to pour your effort into something bigger than yourself. Surprisingly, it isn’t always only about money or career, doing volunteering or community work, just the feeling of being useful, counts. 

The other way is to create meaning through love. Specially, through loving and caring for someone. To support someone and give them love, concern and care.

Today, I feel loved. Despite working on a Saturday, I feel loved. The weather was gloomy and the boss in question (who’s about to sack me) was unforgiving as usual, but the events that happen spontaneously after work made my day. 

This time, I really felt love and acceptance. In an all male-Filipino group led by the alpha Jeff. When the alpha gives you a nod of acceptance, everything changes. I don’t find the air stifling anymore. I was not ignored any longer. But the whole time, I knew that I had been true to myself. 

I had been repeatedly hurt. But I kept my dignity and soldiered on. Until the light reaches me. I carry on. And now it has bore first. The Alpha invited me to play games with them. Even when Liam stepped out to buy drinks. I was comfortably alone with them and having a blast. All is well. 

Sincerity

Am I sincere enough in my daily tasks? Do I really want to contribute? Do I really feel like teaching? Am I just doing it for the compensation and ego? All these thoughts came swirling the moment I became one of the less fortunate person that needed help. 

And I now say- pay it forward! Let the cycle of good deeds go round and round. A few days after Raye picked me from the car service centre for a lunch catchup, I was picking Michel up from a car service centre. 

Then a few days after I dropped off my best picks, favourite old books, I was totally helpless and stranded at the roadside with my malfunctioning car. The sign that I thought I took off from my board, 'Angels have come', was still there. And it wasn't just a sign. It was a hand-written quote that I wrote on my personal board the moment I collected my thoughts and experiences of my Sabah Mount Kinabalu trip. I never would have maide it up there with the support of my guide. And when I was suffering stomachache going downhill, I never would have guessed how my partner speeding up and helping me to carry hte heavy load would motivate me to complete it till the end, on my two feet and one stick. I was pale, exhuasted and uncomfortable, doing my best not to be grumpy, and it was the moral support and knowing that someone else was there on the journey with you, that carried me through. 

As clichéd as it sounds, knowing that you are not alone is very encouraging. This happened again today- when I just needed someone to be on the phone with me until the help arrived. It happened again when I didn't even realised that I had to submit the forum screenshots as part of the assignment. Had I not checked the group messages and had someone not reminded me, I would have only submitted the written report and mistaken that the forum screenshot goes under another submission. 

My ego makes me think that I am better on my own, trying to put myself in a superior, elevated, better position than others, but in actual truth. anyone can be of help to another. Anyone- from any background- can be of service to others if they are sincere. 

Which brings me to the point... the security guard was sincere in helping me... he pushed my car all the way to the side of the road and vanished (I did not even manage a thank you as I was still in a state of disorentation).... The policeman, who was also a tow truck operator was so sincere in his help that he fixed my car for no reward. Rejecting even a RM10 tip. I was worried I had insulted him when I gave him money when he was purely doing it out of the goodness of his heart without any expectations. I would expect that for a man in his position with not a very high salary, he would take anything that he could get (especially when he earned it!) because a little goes a long way, even if it's just a pocket money.

It was Dad's idea to tip. And in this aspect, Dad is almost similar to Liam. However, I do realise that while everyone loves money, not everyone would take cash in their face, especially when they are just being real nice. It feels depreciating when you try to pay them off for their kindness. Since I can't help them back anytime soon as our paths are unlikely to cross ever again (nor would I recognise anyone due to my goldfish memory), I decided to best way to return the favour is to pay it forward. 

Instead of just splashing money to charity, a great effort but somehow a more convenient one, to do things with a sincere heart and in a sincere manner (without expectation for even a 'thank you' or any acknowledgement) is in fact, one  of the kindest act you can do.

It basically ties back to karma yoga. Doing good for the society. 

The Worst Kind of Feelings to The Best Possible Outcome

The clock is ticking and it's way past the time... You know it's overdue and still a no-show... 

Disappointment.

Their presence is unknown... Whatever they're doing right now, they sure as hell do not give a damn about their time and promise to you. They're doing what they're doing right now without a care in the world about how you feel on the other end. 

But you want to be good. You want to be patient for them. You want to be the angel. The kind sweet smiling angel that they're so lucky to have. So that's why despite the overwhelming sadness and disappointment, you're still waiting and checking your phone for a response. Calling in vain (no answer) and confirming that the messages you sent are still unread. Nope, no blue ticks there, only double checks. 

Frustration. 

You know you deserve to be treated better than this. You have never dropped the ball on them. Not intentionally anyway. There were times you saw the blue ticks, then quickly from online they go to offline, and still there was no response. 

Still you wanted to be good and kind and patient. Not lose your temper and yell with rage and tears about being put last. Feeling like a castaway when they have so many more important things going on, are you of any importance at all?

Sometimes you would wait a whole day. 12 hours or almost 24 hours. You even keep track of the time that has past and secretly compared saying 'the last time was close to 24 hours- that could have been worse' but knowing that it shouldn't be this way at all. 

Control and suppression. 

You know you're going to make a pretty face and even a glad relieved face later, teasingly asking 'What took you so long' and pretending to brush it off saying 'It's nothing:)' when inside you're wallowing in a miserable pit.

The promise is made and broken, the ocassion is delayed and missed, the communication is a one-way follow up and chase. You know that they are the cause of all this stress and yet they don't seem to care for you and realise. They still keep doing it all the time, unapologetically appearing some time later at their convenience with a nonchalant 'sorry' plus any excuses about not picking up your calls or not even noticing your texts (the gap between the time!). Followed by 'let's get on with the programme, what did I miss?' mode. 

Then you're supposed to be all sweet and smiling and relieved that they're back on planet Earth within your orbit, suddenly back within your reach. You keep thinking that this turmoil, this emotional roller coaster ride is just you overreacting and being sensitive, but you know deep down inside- this is not being forgiving and being a good person, this is you being taken advantage of because there were never going to be any repercussions for them. 

In the end, you have suffered this time and again until you voluntary programmed your mind to get used to this disappointment, no-shows, delayed and poorly remade last mins plans and worst of all, the one-way communication. As though only one party is keen and willing, the other is just making time out of their very packed schedule. 

It is painful. And when it happens again it hurts no less. The making-up after being heartbroken and discarded soon works its way to you and it becomes normal. You start to think 'Yes, this is the only way to get with the a slot with that person'. 

An almost whole month of waiting and being rejected at the last minute. Rehearsing for reconciliation. Hoping for the impossible. Ignoring it when your friend said 'If a guy really wants to see you, he wouldn't keep rescheduling at the last minute and keeping you waiting for 3 weeks!' And bursting into tears at the toilet office cubicle while making that pathetic confession.

Knowing that the power scale is being tipped dangerously and deciding to go ahead and hand over the power anyway. Deciding to believe. Being left in the car crying and after they walked away not caring, and never checking up on you. 

Another no-show after patiently putting all your efforts into having 'a talk'. All hopes of rekindling died when he did another no-show for a midnight date and reached out to reply only the very next day in the evening at 5 pm. Laughing at your efforts to date. Actually laughing and making fun of it. Together with his friends whom he never mentioned, whom were laughing together at ecstatic and hilarious joy when discovering your profile. 

All the while you're hurting and seething and after seeing all your plans over the months burn up in flames. From showing up begging at the front door, to all the time wasted waiting to get a meet up, to even being dumped at the last minute on a phone call, knowing that they are happily laughing at your efforts and wholeheartedly telling you to get out there and date. And get out off their life. Knowing from the first get go that there was no intention in having you at all. 

The no-response. The no-shows. Cancelling plans at the last minute. Making plans and postponing them again. And throwing the ball to you at the last minute to come up with an agenda for your own birthday. Their job is to 'show up' when they can show up- and for that you should shut your mouth and be grateful that they're even here at all. 

The power imbalance was huge. The drama was toxic. And despite it, you were doing most of the apologising and always somehow ending up asking for forgiveness for things that were 'your fault'. The chasing was one-way. And the fact that one even had to 'chase' another person for their time. 

Always being the person to text or call first and the other passively responding at any given time. And you're holding on because you know it wasn't always this way. Still in denial when they upped and left because you thought, maybe they're still yours, still in love- when their actions are completely devoid of love, their words are merely excuses, and they can laugh at your pains and laugh when they know you're hurting and in pain. 

It was the worst kind of feelings to ever exist. You feel like a dog tightly controlled on a leash by its master. Every bit of freedom into their world was a blessing, every pulling away was a punishment. You wanted to keep pleasing them more and being better so that they would let you in more, so that you became more important. 

You feel like a subject who's always starving. You live within this feeling of hunger and ache and know it too well- the joy and delight when you get tossed scraps of food. The scraps itself felt like paradise and you were immensely relieved and grateful. That they do show up time to time- just enough to keep you from disintegrating but not enough that you feel that your existence is completely dependent on them. The attachment is so strong that whatever they do, or don't do for you; whatever they say, or don't say to you makes or breaks your day, your entire week or maybe it just feels like it's your entire existence. 

 You know at one point that their anger and ill treatment had gone out of control, when they 'punished' you severely during the second concert for being late and missing a call not on purpose. When they left you to eat alone and wonder the mall alone and begging to go into the concert hall with them. You tried to leave but made a U-turn because waiting for them, their mood swings, pleasing them, being good for them was all you ever known and you were not sure if you'd survive this separation. A permanent separation. 

But they had decided for you anyway. Kicked you out without even telling you. And doing it again repeatedly- unceremoniously - cold to your sobbing, wailing and begging. And meanly laughing when you thought you had a chance at reconciliation, your dating profile was the 'funny thing to check out' and talk with their friends. 'My ex is on Tinder' was something he found hilarious. 

You feel so alone until you found another one to love you. This time whole-heartedly. No power imbalance. No purposeful emotional thrashing. Just honest misunderstandings and hurt caused by carelessness by someone who is still naive and young at heart. 

This time, the love is healthy. There is no obsession with each other. The chemistry wasn't electric or instantaneous, it was a work in progress. With a playful and eager student. This person is not embarrassed at their lack in anything, the opposite- they are totally confident in themselves and know their own worth. They need no reassurance for their self love and even your love for them. Having their own grounded mindset yet playful personality bears the most stable and fruitful relationship. To-date, it is blossoming and growing with each moment of time that passed. 

You are always filled to the brim now with love. Anything that you wanted- you could ask or at least have a discussion about it without feeling fear that there will be a repercussion to the relationship. You can speak your mind freely and say what you really think and how you really feel - without doubting and triple checking and censoring your words because you know the other person is always fair and kind and willing to give you a fair shot. Also willing to spoil you but not excessively. And willing to teach you and learn from you equally. 

You can cry and let out your feelings without fearing the need for 'correction'. You can finally make errors and commit mistakes, not being horrified at the thought of the person immediately walking out and being cold to you. 

But you heard about Stockholm Syndrome in a One Direction song. You know that even as the tough times are over, you still had feelings of affection reflecting on how things were in the beginning before it all went downhill. Part of you still wished and wondered if you had done better- would things have been different? 

Another part of you- the sensible part- knows that no matter how much you change to accommodate another person, the worst sides of them would still be the same. Worst still, you could never truly be you and you survive by creeping around on eggshells, trying to avoid triggering and offending them, and always on your toes for the slightest carelessness and the slightest mistake.

You read a Stockholm Syndrome passage that looks exactly like your situation: 

In abusive and controlling relationships, the victim has the sense they are always “walking on eggshells” — fearful of saying or doing anything that might prompt a violent/intimidating outburst. For their survival, they begin to see the world through the abuser’s perspective. They begin to fix things that might prompt an outburst, act in ways they know makes the abuser happy, or avoid aspects of their own life that may prompt a problem. 

Majority of our decisions are based on our perception of the abuser’s potential reaction. We become preoccupied with the needs, desires, and habits of the abuser/controller. In severe cases of Stockholm Syndrome in relationships, the victim may have difficulty leaving the abuser and may actually feel the abusive situation is their fault. The victim must control situations that produce trouble. That may include avoiding family, friends, co-workers, and anyone who may create “trouble” in the abusive relationship.

Stockholm Syndrome produces an unhealthy bond with the controller and abuser. It is the reason many victims continue to support an abuser after the relationship is over. It’s also the reason they continue to see “the good side” of an abusive individual and appear sympathetic to someone who has mentally and emotionally abused them.

Studies tell us we are more loyal and committed to something that is difficult, uncomfortable, and even humiliating. Almost any ordeal creates a bonding experience. Every couple, no matter how mismatched, falls in love in the movies after going through a terrorist takeover, being stalked by a killer, being stranded on an island, or being involved in an alien abduction. Investment and an ordeal are ingredients for a strong bonding — even if the bonding is unhealthy. In many cases we tend to remain and support the abusive relationship due to our investment in the relationship. We’ve invested so many emotions, cried so much, and worried so much that we feel we must see the relationship through to the finish.

After reading up on Stockholm Syndrome, you get it now why the peaceful feelings and a healthy relationship feels so safe, so lovely yet so different. 

It's because your mind was conditioned to and tied emotional abuse and sexual attraction to go hand-in-hand- to be obedient and people pleasing and to expect punishment,  not having proper attention and love on some days and then being rewarded with attention and love and sex the next day, and having to keep monitoring your own behaviour in order to get in the 'good part' of the cycle. 

And having that cycle for years naturally makes you crave this form of emotional abuse when it comes with sexual attraction of reward and 'making up' and punishment. You had been taught to prefer the fights, to humbling yourself and accepting his opinions, to apologising profusely and begging and correcting yourself to make them happy, enjoying all this when it culminates in a reward- sex- or small favours- like how the person remembered a certain thing about you or how not that long it took to reply your texts and calls back. 

Getting rid of the cycle of disappointment, frustration and joy at the slightest perceived kindness becomes your new mission as you are now in a healthy relationship with a new lovely person who respects you. Who actually listens to and respects you. The unhealthy cycle is slowly out of your system as your brain rewires itself and rewrites itself into a new code. A new coding and understanding of love. 

Now you are living carefree. And you know it's not fair that this person is still living rent-free in your mind. And then it hit you. You realised all this time! The person you're having lingering feelings for does not exist! It's just like the Webpage.

This page is no longer available. This page you're looking for does not exist. 

Translate that to:

The person is no longer available. The person you're looking for does not exist. 

It's true. The person you recalled from your memories does not exist. Even if you're staring in the eyes of that very same person, that person - your earlier ideal version - is all but wiped out. Annihilated when the relationship took a turn for the worse.  

It's a fantasy VS reality situation. You conjured a phantom rooted in fantasy version but overlooked the real raw deal in the reality world version - the person who caused severe difficulties and emotional suffering. 

You want to know something? The person that you had desire and affection for? Gone. All but gone. Dead and buried. You only feel this way because you're remembering who the person was, and refusing to see who the person is. 

You're remembering a ghost (a version that does not exist) when the actual person gives you disappointment and frustration by not taking your time and presence seriously. 

If that's the same person you idolise, they wouldn't have not checked up on you or called you when you told them you had 2 breast masses. They wouldn't have laughed at your pain and made fun of you having to go online dating after dumping you (and knowing that they broke your heart and that you still had desire or affection for them!). 

They wouldn't have ditched you at the last minute without feeling any guilt. They wouldn't dream of going full Beserker mode when you tripped up and make a minor mistake. They wouldn't threaten you with frightening consequences- the scenario of leaving, of blackmailing, or exposing you. 

The idealised version wouldn't. But the real life person would. Without hesitation. And it had all been done- right in front of you and right to your face too! The moment you realise such a person no longer exist, all the energy and doubts clear up. 

You only have one goal now- which is to make your relationship and life better. With the people who are in your life right now - they cherish you and love you. They support you in every endeavour without making any judgement calls on what is good for you. You decide for yourself. 

You have a voice, you have an equal say in the relationship and no one is bowing down to the other. Both feels lucky- neither feels reluctant that they have to give up their time. 

And Liam is so sweet because he came all the way (on a 1 hr 30 mins train ride) to my house despite coming just the week before. Because I was so exhausted- I needed a nap while having my period. Counting my blessings. And knowing how glad I was at not having to 'sacrifice' and understand that even while receiving, I am still loved and lovable. 

I don't always have to be the one killing myself, trying to outdo myself to receive that solid proof of love, that badge of affirmation. It's always there, even if I messed up and learn, he's not angry or leaving in a hurry. Even when I had mini breakdowns, I could call and cry about my day and he would listen. Just listen without forcing any opinions or advice. 

I can pursue my own things without 'justification'. I can make my own timetable with friends without any 'justification'. In fact, I never needed to explain myself just for doing my own things my own way. I could actually be an adult not having to ask for 'permission' just to go out or make plans with my friends, or career moves. 

I am thankful and grateful that I am growing into my own self- with my own purposefully lived life. Or just kick back on a lazy weekend. Everything is acceptable. Everything is okay. Nothing is wrong or my fault and I can breathe- not always on the edge of making some 'mistake' that would blow up in my face the next day- and not having to pick up the pieces again by waiting it out, apologising, and waiting to be in their favour again. 

I feel like a survivor. I know it's the beginning of 'reclaiming' myself and reclaiming my identity and my life. I want to do LOADS of things and help LOTS of people. I still want to be lazy but sometimes I want to be hardworking. My life is my own. My words are my own. My heart is my own. 

I am capable of loving without attachment. I am capable of family love, committed yet healthy relationship (couple love), and a love for community (acquaintance/friendship).