Wonderland

We found Wonderland, you and I got lost in it
We pretended it, could last forever...

Didn't they tell us, don't rush into things
Didn't you flash your green eyes at me
Didn't you calm my fears with a Cheshire Cat smile

We found Wonderland, you and I got lost in it
We pretended it, could last forever...

*Holding on tightly to my one true love, enduring a whooping chest cough, about to graduate. Time seems to fly now. 

The Best Day

Although this post is titled 'The Best Day', when you really think about it, there is nothing such as the best day, really. One of the best, greatest days you experience could be topped by another profoundly positive experience. In the end, what we have, what I hold in my hands, are the moments. The moments that belong to no one else, but me and you. Where time seems to slow down when I'm embraced in your love, laughter and ever forgiving kindness and sweet nature. That is when you want to tell that person, you know, I had the best day with you today. I think that we've had a lot of best days together:) It actually feels like I've spent every day with you. My attachment is so strong, I know that I've truly shared myself with you, my whole person, my true self and personality. I do cherish everything. I know that when it is time to go home, I will be alright, because I know you care about me. Didn't know how to tell you, it must be obvious from the way I cling on and hold on so tight, but you have been one of the most loving souls I've been lucky enough to meet. The difference is that, we are not mere friends or acquaintances, I get to wake up beside you every day. I get to watch you fall asleep and toss and turn together aka synchronised sleeping. All these little things, I will remember dearly, and that I had the best days with you, today.

Thanksgiving, pouring out my gratitude to those who love me

As I sit in a darkened room on a Saturday night, I was acutely aware all of the sounds of people in the streets. With my thumb pressed against my third and fourth finger, I sat in silence wrapped up in my own thoughts. There I was contemplating life, but this time there are no worries or regrets, gratitude flowed through my heart.

In fact, I have just returned from a trip to the Outback. Yoga has been the core reason that I even set foot on this trip in the first place. I have befriended a few kind old ladies, so to speak, I couldn't be more grateful for their companionship, kindness, selflessness and trust. These people that I'm about to name has been exceptionally kind to me, they have shared their wisdom and no doubt I found it enlightening. These graceful ladies are: Sam, Kate, Clare, and Rachel.  I won't go into the full details, each of them has their own personality, but they were all very nuturing to me, I think they have helped me gain a sense of who I want to be. Compassionate, accepting, and most importantly nurturing love.

I also want to thank my partner Nesh, for accepting me for who I am, the way I am, and who I want to become. I know that at times, I can be really difficult to understand or get along with but it seems that he has learn to take the good along with the bad, and stick through thick and thin. It's also a relief, a huge, immense relief when he understands that some of his friends are not my type. He doesn't feel the need to make me like them. He's fine as long as I'm not mean. Mean, I'm not but I can be introverted and anti-social, I know that. At the very least, I mean, the least that I can do is to be friendly and polite and perhaps, when I don't feel like talking or joining in, I can just sit back, observe and listen to them. I know that he's always watching out for me. He reads my expression all too well. He also knows that I hate the feeling of feelong lost in a crowd. The slightest hint and my facial expressions are verbal cues to him to act upon. I may be the world's most selfish and possessive girlfriend, but I am grateful, learning, giving and receiving, and growing every day. For that, I am utterly happy and grateful.

As Sam says, " No dramas". Just peace, love and acceptance. True happiness is shared. Yes, and I love my family very much. Dad, Wee Kheng, Jason and Jolin, I love you, my lovely little family.

Helpful blog advice

Snippet 1:

Focus on yourself (fullfilling your individual life and individual happiness will work wonders for the relationship! As it brings POSITIVENESS- improves mood, enhances energy of the relationship)

All I can say is we as women focus too much on the relationship and worry about what he is doing and not doing. This behavior comes across to men as being needy which makes them run. The key is just do nothing. I know it sounds different. Just relax and watch how the relationship flows.

I've been reading books and joined some blogs to help me understand my man. Mine is extremely masculine. I'm feminine so how can I know what he is thinking? Google "a new mode" and sign up for their news letters. I've been following the tips that Eric Charles gives and my relationship with my man is better than its ever been in five years.

I also read these books "why men date ****", "why men marry ****" these books tell you just let the man be the man. Let him CHASE YOU. You NEVER want to chase a man. It took me 8 weeks to get to this point of peace and joy in myself. I've adopted the attitude of I am living my life and loving me, if my man wants to join in my happy train then he has to jump on. I'm not going to drag him or try to convince him. It's worked wonders. Try it and see for yourself. Basically never let him know he has you 100%. Let him feel like you have options. You don't have to verbally say this. 

But your actions will show him that you are secure in YOU, he is not the center of your universe and you are OK with or without him in your life. This attitude takes the pressure off him and makes him want to do more for you. I am over 40 and I am just now understanding why my past relationships have been ****. I was doing it all wrong. Love him, but love YOU more.

Good luck.


Snippet 2:

(Unless you are married or living together with your partner) They can’t be there for you when you need it

This is one of the hardest parts of a long distance relationship. Over the last year and a half of long distance, I’ve had a couple breakdowns. One of them was in the wake of a family accident, another was when I got stranded at the train station with no money and no way to get back home, another was when my bike got sideswiped by a car.

Ryosuke was in class both times. I called furiously, crying, and wasn’t able to reach him. And even when I was able to reach him, he could only comfort me with words. Words only go so far.

When you are in a relationship, you will need your significant other there when you fail a class, get in an accident, have a family crisis, or just a ‘normal’ mental breakdown. You long-distance boyfriend or girlfriend won’t be able to hold your hand when you’re sick, hug you when you’re crying, or take you to the hospital after an accident.

The Simple Plan

The plan is to not make a plan, at least not a concrete one with (time specific) goals. Because as he puts it: Man proposes, God disposes. I had a hard time understanding this quote as it seems that everything in life (except the ceasing of life itself) is well within our control. Well yes, certain things are fated. Some things are just miraculous, happenings that are either coincidental or unexplained- a result of fate and destiny of God's doing. Thus, my traditional thinking- as a result of culture and society- is to do as I have always believed to be 'the right thing to do': to graduate, get a job, get a degree, get married, have kids. Falling in love is somewhere there for most people.

For me, it has already happened. A real long term relationship is so different that what I had expected from the romance, fairy tales, dreams of getting married and happily ever afters. It's the world of reality. I've always wanted to say: "Let me be disillusioned for a while. Let me be innocently ignorant and blissful for a while longer". But then, reality kicks in and there is no more fairy dust to keep you floating. My head is no longer in the clouds, my feet is firmly planted now. It is quite a strange thing. There is no love potion or magic fruit. As young love blossoms, it is unable to sustain past the honeymoon period without strong bonds tied with love, respect, faith and commitment.

I have three aunts (in their late 40s) who are unmarried. Loved strongly by family and friends, but unloved by men. Or perhaps they rejected the men that loved them. Or perhaps no man loved them enough to want to create a new life and make a living together. All these scenarios, once understood in a rational voice, makes me less anxious. Less perplexed. I was surprised when Grandma said: "There's no need to get married. Only if the husband is truly good. Don't marry a husband who is too rich, he might stray." I found myself taking a liking to listening to her "words of wisdom" about relationships and her perception about our loved ones. For Aunt, for her to be Dad's wife is still an unthinkable concept. Being family is perfectly fine, but being more than that? Fullfulling a motherly role and caring for the family is not mind-boggling, being a wife is. There has to be some sort of familiarity established from romantic love or courtship beforehand. Otherwise, I would be witnessing something that has never quite occurred before in my life. It's like a modern version of arranged marriage.

Anyway, as I grow older, I get the idea of how life works. Cruel but beautiful at the same time. Taylor Swift just said that, that kind of selfless love (normally found in unrequited love) is beautiful, and that eventually you will find someone that loves you back just as selflessly. I guess human beings really are still a consequence of survival of the fittest, placing your own importance above others. That is why one cannot expect too much sacrifice and commitment from a relationship (A relationship is still two individuals with their own lives). While devotion and love has to come from both sides, it is important to remember that your partner is not actually an extension of you, at your command to do your bidding or to please you every minute. Your partner has to be given healthy rein of his personal space bubble to still be an individual with his own thoughts, friends, work, leisure, etc.

After all, we're only human. Selecting a mate for life is already hard enough, given the masks and pretences that we put on to fool other people. I guess how I knew our relationship is still solid is because although we've had our number of fights (and crying together and huddling/cuddling afterwards), I've never had to put on an act to gain his approval or to make him like me. Maybe the reason why humans get so stressed is because we actually don't have the same freedom as wilds animals in the animal kingdom. We establish so many rules, coupled with cultural/societal norms and peer pressure, it's no wonder we get a feeling of being trapped in our own lives sometimes! The ones that really, really, don't give a sh*t are probably the happiest people on earth. It's too bad that most of us aren't... I care, he cares, he cares, she cares, basically not everyone has thick skin. On a brighter note, it's great to note that I am a  completely 'natural product' of myself, albeit affected by hormones and pheromones, when I'm with him. I may be moody or upset sometimes, but I am completely at ease and feel secure and loved with him.

Building Healthy Relationships

1. Letting Some Conflicts Go Unresolved

I don't have to fight about everything. We don't have to keep proving each other wrong and proving ourselves right. Unless it's a tease/joke kind of fight, that is. Quarrels can be left halfway unless there is really a need to fight the battle.

Choose your battles wisely (about something that is worth fighting with him for). Other times, it will do fine just to agree to disagree. 

2. Being Willing to Hurt Each Other’s Feelings

Being honest. Giving unfiltered opinions, hurtful truths. 

3. Being Willing to End It

Ending it on good terms. Having the courage to end everything and become single again.

4. Feeling Attraction for People Outside the Relationship

Looking at attractive people is enjoyable. Speaking to attractive people is enjoyable. Thinking about attractive people is enjoyable. That’s not going to change because of our Facebook relationship status.

When we commit to a person, we are not committing our thoughts, feelings or perceptions. We can’t control our own thoughts, feelings and perceptions the majority of the time, so how could we ever make that commitment?

What we control are our actions. And what we commit to that special person are our actions. 

5. Spending Time Apart

It’s important to occasionally get some distance from your partner, assert your independence, maintain some hobbies or interests that are just yours. Have some separate friends. Take an occasional trip somewhere by yourself. Remember what made you you and what drew you to your partner in the first place. Without this space, without this oxygen to breathe, the fire between the two of you will die out and what were once sparks will become only friction.

6. Accepting Your Partner’s Flaws

This is one of those things that is not nearly as complicated as it feels. Let’s break it down:

1. Every person has flaws and imperfections.
2. You can’t ever force a person to change.
3. Therefore: You must date somebody who has flaws you can live with or even appreciate.

End of Part1

While everyone's happily graduating back home and posting countless photos of their last student memories, I can't help but feel a tinge of homesickness. Especially knowing that my sister still loves me exactly the same way I left home months ago, and how Daddy is man enough to openly show that he cares about me, about all of us kids. Really, his Whatsapp message, that health and happiness and the learning process are more important than results, just makes me want to tear up. I realise that I really miss my family, as I begin to see how we function as a unit. While I hate doing chores, I wouldn't mind cooking and baking for them. It is my utmost pleasure to please and surprise people I love with some recipe I tried that turns out marvelous.

My aversion to mainstreamness and extroverts sometimes makes me end up feeling really lonely, in truth that feeling can never be felt when I am with family. Because instead of depending on them, I know I play an important role, and that I am unconditionally loved and being depended on. Relationship-wise, it's been going strong for 8 months now. While strong isn't necessarily the right word to use, I'd like to think that despite all the rickety-rocks that we stumbled and fell upon, everything seemed to be alright when we picked ourselves up again. The bad thing about me that I've learned about myself is apart from my constant clinginess, I constantly seek validation and easily feel jealousy or loneliness when he is happy or having a blast with other bffs. While acknowledging that fact and also knowing that I can't fix myself up overnight, the lesser I think about it, the better. As with family, I don't need validation at all because they actually need me and love me and what to hear about my opinions, I only recalled being a grudging grumpy cat when they ask me to do too much or things that I don't really like to do, like teaching homework.

Anyway, time is still ticking, I've got two last major essays to work upon for this semester. Talking to strangers here is always a fun experience because you get to ask where they are from, what they are studying, how they find Adelaide etc. Even lecturers are nice to chat to, if it's nothing  more than pouring out a bit of your life story. Currently, volunteer experience 1: work experience 0, but I wonder if I would enjoy working in Australia and how that would affect my schedule and my interpersonal relationships. Scheduling time with people doesn't seem to be a major problem, but the idea here is that once you stop seeing people that frequently, the relationship tends to grow cold.

On the other hand, in regards to media, I know my Dad loves Chinese media entertainment and he would actually really like what Michel is doing in the Chinese entertainment site. She is really good, her personality really fits for being a DJ. If I am ever lucky enough to land a job in radio, people will automatically think I'm better suited for an announcer or presenter job, not a DJ, as I am not that talkative, and I don't know how to make funny jokes and be spontaneous, also I probably don't have the charisma. Just being a realist doesn't mean I'm shooting myself down. I think yoga might be too static now, but once I start the course, I will review my opinions again. It has to be something lively that I can do. There has to be something lively and fun that I can do that doesn't involve emotional burnout like acting, deejaying, etc.

Home is where the heart is. There is no moon that is brighter anywhere until you find people that love and cherish you. The  people here have been very good, kind and wonderful to me, and I admit that I'm unlikely to find any friends that replicate their fine qualities. But still, eventually, I'm going home, to a place where I belong.

Lucky to be alive

Inevitably, there came a day where I spent an entire in, all by myself. Today, for the first time, I was having a long quiet time (without any emotional stress), thinking, pondering and reflecting on what I had become. All the packed schedule- from gym, classes, karate, socializing with my partner and friends, assignments- the pillars of which I had based myself upon, all withdrew and I was momentarily left alone. Left alone with a book called 'What Colour Is Your Parachute'.

I must admit that because I wanted to live what seem like a fullfilled life (or purposeful routine in this case), I saturated my schedule so that I had no time to waste. I realised however, once the book talked to me, it all became clear. Everything. Everything- from your job hunt to family, love life, friends and career- all depended on yourself. What you make of yourself. What you see in yourself. What you want yourself to become capable of being.

Everyone has a dream. To make it big. To go somewhere, to be somebody, to gain their way into some top company or start their own. It makes me quite ashamed to admit that despite the wonderful person that everyone sees me as, deep down inside, I am still the lazy bum teenage girl that I was all those years ago, just wanting to be peaceful, be contented, be happy. A whole day doing nothing brings this inner self of mine straight up to the surface. 

Suddenly, I remember spending those 'me time' everyday at Lorne Avenue, where my lifeline was actually my journey as a white belt karate-ka and my journey of falling in love for the first time. I looked back and realised that (with the Malaysian bunch around as well), those fresh beginnings of the two journey that I embarked on was what kept me extremely motivated, what kept me going day to day, and it was something I look forward to as well. 

A year later, I no longer eagerly practise karate at home everyday in front of the mirror. But yet again, God has been kind to me. Against everyone's wishes, I attend these expensive gym classes that are totally satisfying workouts. I keep up with karate. I keep up with my real friends. I spent the day with Nesh everyday, watching him loving me from the depths of his heart, understanding him and myself more as we go through ups and downs. All the cards have been placed in my hands. I have a lover, trusted friends (who are also mentors and advisors), beloved sister and family, interesting personalities as housemates. I was no longer alone. 

Would it be hard to start fresh? Would it be hard to part ways? Would it be selfish of me to stay? Would it be selfish of me to leave? Then today, I remember that since I have all the cards in my hands, I must play my part to keep up. Irrelevant things always get phased out at the end of the day. If I don't continue to seek to refine my character (one of the principles of karate is refinement of character!), work harder and keep seeking challenges, my intellectual abilities will part and fall away to nothing. 

Thus, it is hard not to, but starting from now, I have to remind myself, not to be complacent. Make use of my current circumstances. Remember the green envy that everyone showed to your face when you said you were going overseas? Yes, I shall remember that. People like Ray came all the way here to make a good living, train themselves through education to put food on the table. And I am merely contemplating my life choices as though nothing depended on it. 

There is not much time left before the big decision has to be made. If I stay, there has to be a reason. It can't just be for Nesh. It can't just be because I can't bear not seeing him anymore. If I choose to stay, it means at the very least, that I want to forge a living here. Get educated, yes, but more importantly get professional working experience. The journey begins again, right now. Let's look forward to everyday life again, with passion and dedication. It's not just another new day waking up in bed, it's another new day in Australia! 

Love, love is a feeling that you fear

Under the surface we're all just the same

Follow me darling, for you I'll be brave

Love, love is a feeling that you fear

I won't let you go when your world's in the dark

You can keep borrowing my heart
Even your fear won't keep us apart
You can keep borrowing, borrowing my heart.

****************************************************

Fate has spoken, God has chosen.
Me to be the one, destined for him.
So I won't let you go, I'll work on it dear.
You can keep staying in, staying in my world.
Of all the things that, I hold dear to me
You will be the one, so make it right for me.

Turmoil

So I'm driving a car that has its tyres punctured. I really love this car, and I want to keep driving it, but until the tyres are fixed, there is absolutely nowhere I can go. Until the car is fixed, I can't drive it.

Fixing it is no small matter however, it is not about changing the tyres. Because the problem is not so much with the car, but with the attitude of its driver. The way the driver drives forces the car to push itself to the limits, all the time, no wonder this happened, it is bound to break down with all this ongoing onslaught.

My ongoing onslaught of emotions. He's taking it all graciously without so much of a complaint. My rage. My annoyance. My unhappiness. My loneliness. My sadness. My anxiety. My worries. My fears. My insecurities. It is all about me, me, me. Never much about him. No wonder he says, 'I wish you'd try to understand me'. I do. I do understand him. But I just failed to act on my understanding. I wasn't compelled to act on my understanding. My heart rules over reason. Even though I had a list of 'do's and don'ts', it was an ultimate failure. I ended up doing everything else the opposite way, ending up doing everything that I wasn't supposed to do.

What else is between us now. Every time he's around, when we're being all cute and cuddly, I am blissfully happy. Every moment else was just me complaining. He didn't touch me, he didn't kiss me, he didn't hold my hand, he didn't pay attention to me, he didn't look at me when I was talking, he talked to his friends. All the time I was reciting 'friends, freedom and an analysed life' but I just couldn't stand it. The key ingredients of what makes a man happy, if applied to him, would probably make him just as happy, but I wouldn't be happy. That meant, automatically, that our relationship was going downhill.

Obviously, I would be unhappy if he's unhappy. Or worse, like today, I would be very upset if he was very upset/angry at a certain thing. His mood just affects me automatically. However, it is really damaging and I don't know how I ever ended up becoming like this- that when he is happy about certain things, I am unhappy or jealous or unsatisfied. It could be simple things, things that a normal guy needs to do- like talking to his female friends, being online for a long time (doing whatever he pleases like checking the news), and mostly just paying his undivided attention to the things that make him happy, I would feel really neglected and unhappy. Jeez, am I having a psychological issue or what. Like the only thing that makes me 100% happy is his touch, his caressing, and when he's all warm and fuzzy, calling me bunny and giving me sweet kisses.

Physical. He used to say he's a 'very physical person'. In the short span of time, he's not that physical anymore. My favourite part of the relationship- the romance, the passion, the mystery (trying to understand and solve his inner problems- strange dreams etc.) are gone. But more importantly, the chemistry.

Gone are the days when I can read him, and make him feel completely awed and impressed. 'Wow, how is it that you understand me so well? It's like I've known you from another life'. The long, meaningful phone conversations, where I'd hide in my room talking to him for many hours, about the things he faced in the past, his inner demons. Whatever that was troubling him, I had all the solution/advice, because I could 'read' him. Because I could put myself in his shoes, for real. Without even knowing him that well, I put myself into all the situations- the misery, the pain, the sadness, the mistakes, and he listened to every word like it was made of gold. Precious, our connection was, and so strong that it felt almost spiritual and surreal. At that moment, I felt empowered. I was encouraging and helping him along the way, even if it was something that happened in his past- I cared, a great deal. Was it because I wasn't his girlfriend? Him talking about his ex for a prolonged period didn't make me feel jealous or wanting to cry. I just wanted to understand, I just wanted to listen, I just wanted to help and give everything I could think of because I wanted to do so. Being involved in all the private matters of his heart was my own choice. Even when he was talking about some girl that he fancies (Ina), some attractive young female lecturer, some Japanese girl that he dated, it didn't matter. I was the willing audience. At that time, I remember, it was an honour. I was always happy because he shared. And I cared.

Nowadays, our conversations are focused on him trying to explain things to me. He's taking the rein, teaching me instead, about the world, the truth, the reality. I listen, but I can't reciprocate (unless it's to pepper him with dumb questions because I don't know a single thing). So I listen, I ask questions about things that have no emotional significance to us (our bond). Things that are educational for me but doesn't do much for me. I have no insights to offer, no 'expert' deep opinion, thoughts or commentary, nothing of value to add on to what he's saying. My words are just words, words that you can listen and forget about later. Not words made out of gold anymore. In the past, I didn't realise that a simple comment (about him) that I made would press on his mind for hours, a day or two, until he finally asks me, 'What did you mean that day when said _____ about me/what my ex said/etc...'

Nothing touching, compelling, awe-inspiring that I could share anymore. And he tunes out when I talk about my routine life. Understandably, talking about Jolin or my friends gets old. But when I talk at length, it would be called a 'rant', and I would be so afraid and conscious that I was 'ranting', I hesitate to talk. He cancelled that 'rant' rule later on, but whenever I talk at length, I always feel compelled to ask him 'Are you listening?' several times and it would drive him nuts. I wondered why it takes him so much effort to listen, to stay focused on what I'm saying. Then I remembered sadly, because the things I talk about are boring. This is a whole new era from the past where in the conversations, everything I said mattered to him, and at least made sense to our relationship.

Not having conversational chemistry just sucks. We can't go back to talking about things we talk about in the past, and currently we don't have any topics that relate deeply (even emotionally) to the BOTH of us at the same time AND boosts our mutual happy feelings/relationship. We talk about the future sometimes, but it's pointless to go there, when it's clearly something out of our control.

What to do when you can't 'click' with the one you love? When you fail miserably at communication despite being a communication student? When the craving for affection and lust comes rolling in all at once? When he says 'I love you' and you love him just as much but nobody told you that- love doesn't conquer all if there's no connection/no chemistry?

My personal list

Do and don'ts 

Don't(s) - A big turn off (potentially damages a relationship if carried on repeatedly)

1. Being too clingy (UHU glue) and needy (asking people to do everything for you) 

2. Saying 'I love you' too frequently 

3. Asking doubtful questions (do you still love me/you love me right/how much do you love me)

4. Jealousy (raising suspicions over female friends or getting jealous of sisters)

5. Questioning his loyalty. Questioning his preference. 

6. Purposely fishing for compliments (complaining about how I look)

7. Details when it is unnecessary (beating around the bush, trailing off, ranting)

Do(s) - Expresses goodwill (potentially strengthens a relationship)

1. Giving him enough space ('me time')

2. Love, understanding and respect.(all ears, listen wholeheartedly, put myself in his shoes to understand)

3. Reciprocate favours (or be the first to surprise him once in a while).

4. Gratitude (say 'thank you' often- not all the time but when he deserves it)

5. Body language (smiles and hugs can effectively express a heartfelt 'thank you' without actually saying it)

2014

All I know is that my baby loves me.
It's very very surreal to actually have somebody love me. I mean, to the extent that he loves me?
The love songs you hear? The fairytales you read? It's all real. Real love is real. True love is real.
We are down-to-earth. Grounded. In our twenties, with real life problems, dilemmas, but through it all- every time times are testing, he manages to turn things around, stay calm and optimistic. He just makes me more and more certain that he loves me and would do anything for me.

It's the first time that I have been loved so deeply. To have someone's heart belong to me entirely. I don't know if fairytales last forever, but even if things have gone past the fairytale stage, I know, I am sure that we will still both work to get things straight. There's nothing to be afraid of anymore. There's no need to keep my heart guarded anymore. Every little step I take, he's with me, watching me grow, caring for me, loving me. God, I am blessed and thank you for sending me this gift. I take full responsibility and full commitment. This love is magical, this path is treacherous, dangerous, challenging, exciting, wonderful, and I like it.

Here's to a great year ahead. Look forward and keep your head up. The greatest talent of mankind is to give and receive love, and articulate what love means to each one of us and the significant other. 2014, I've found The One. The One who loves me. Bless this year, bless us, bless my family, bless everyone's health. Here's to a happy and fruitful year! Live Life Love!

P.S.
It's never felt so real, it's never felt so right. I don't want to mess this thing up, you might just be the one that I've been waiting for my whole life.