Eternal Bond

Who would have thought, that forever could be severed by the sharp knife of a short life?

Prologue

We knew this day would come, but we just didn't know that it would be so soon. Death is fleeting, the departure is sudden, no matter how much you prepare your heart, you can never accept it when you see the moment it happens with your own eyes. That instant changes everything, and it certainly puts things into perspective. When our cries of sorrow and longing are in vain, because we realize that when a person is gone, they will never come back.

Rituals

I think the religious ceremony, which consists of several repetitive praying rituals is meant to numb your sorrow.

The initial part of the routine was a little unbearable as we were not used to the continuous bowing and kneeling motions and gestures and also because my thoughts were not under control. Although the situation      looks peaceful, my mind was a mess and I found it extremely hard to picture a serene smiling face of Mom when she was healthy and lively, thus I had to keep fixing my mind on the photo frame of young, smiling Mom to keep things in line. I was also nervous, had sweaty palms and trembly legs throughout the process.

However, when the process has been repeated over and over again, the incessant chanting of the monks kind of wipe clean your mind to the point where you could just stare blankly into space and not feel anything. And also not really think of anything. It was sort of like we are all in a trance. Albeit a very long one.

There were also many traditional and/or religious customs observed, but as we live in the modern times, some of them has been phased out or deemed unnecessary/impractical. In Chinese culture, it is always the sons who bear more prominence over the daughters, thus me and Jolin were not required to participate in certain things as only the men are allowed.

Thoughts

Regrets and mistakes, they are memories made. Memories will fade in time, but a bond forged and blood ties are eternal. I am glad that there are no burdens she has to carry it to her grave. I think although her body was suffering, her mind left peacefully. I hope that all of us can bring Jolin- Mom's biggest concern, up properly and turn her into a mature, better person when she grows up.

I daresay both of the young ones had learnt to be independent since Mom was spending time frequently at the hospital, they had somehow learnt to stand on their own two feet. Now all they need is nurturing, love and education to be more successful and more understanding. Everyone here is as strong as we ought to be, but there will be times of loneliness and this is where I have to step in to keep the family united and tough. My current biggest concern hasn't changed- my studies and my future. It is just quite heartbreaking that she won't be here to witness it all.

A friend in need is a friend indeed. It was quite surprising how my best friends stood by me and helped me in their own ways. It made everything a whole lot easier and simpler and not as sad. My sadness and sorrow would be categorized as grief, not depression. I guess I would never feel depressed in my life and I don't want to. Loss is painful, grief is appropriate as the natural outpouring of emotions.

Weeping, sobbing, tearing up- all these start and stop when triggered by strong emotions of the past memories. I figured that out after having conversations with Mom's visitors. I could easily handle those curious yet relentless questions/discussion about Mom's disease- what type of cancer, how did it took her life, what treatment, which hospitals, duration, bla bla bla,  but at the moment where I was talking to Mom's colleagues how Mom wanted to give up badly but soldiered on despite the pain because of Jolin, I couldn't help but cry. And that was because the conversation was connected to the person, not the illness.

My loving and wonderful Mom who couldn't and wouldn't stop thinking and caring about her children despite the condition she was in. If there were any regrets, it was mostly not spending more time with her. But I was ok with it because I was with Mom quite often, and when I was overseas, we Skyped and phoned call. It is just very unbelievable that I know I can never call her number again, because she can't answer my call even though I just want to hear her voice, her kind, soothing Motherly voice.

Afterlife

There are many concepts about the afterlife- what would happen after we die. Although I find the concept of Soul Reaper (Shinigami) and Soul Society really fascinating and exciting, it just doesn't seem possible to have all that in the real world.

The concept of heaven is much more believable as the afterlife is supposed to be free and relaxing (where the soul could just float around in the clouds or in the kingdom in heaven). I have heard people mentioning the next life (reincarnation and rebirth). What happens is that the soul finds another vessel to reside in- it could be an animal, a plant (preferably a tree), or a newborn. Whether it is at the choosing/preference of the individual, I know not.

Either way, that wouldn't mean anything to the family members as we cannot see the souls of our dearly departed and we would not know where they are unless there is a special space-time interference. And of course, it would be great to have Mom guarding us and watching from above. I hope that the afterlife in heaven is enjoyable for Mom because it is about time she enjoys all the divine fortunes and simple pleasures that she had been denied previously due to her health.

Epilogue

Things will settle down in a while and we will all move on from the loss but I know that Dad and Ee ee are still the most strongly affected by the loss because her presence was very strong in both their loves. I will look after Daddy as promised but not sure what to do about Ee ee since she is not my immediate family member and not someone I usually talk to/communicate with unless there is a family event.

Still, there are many things in life to treasure and to smile about- first of all, we have each other and secondly- I have friends, true blue friends who makes everything better.