...of my comfort zone, that is. Now, I think I overthink things a lot, especially about my relationship with people. I just worry myself endlessly for no reason and think about those people I appreciate, while at the same time, wonder if they care about me at all. It's a depressing situation to be in and it's bad because I can't really control it. The only way I can sort things out is to put things in two categories- things I can control and things I can't control (by Taylor Swift). I can't control what people think about me, how they feel about me, what they are going to say about me, but I can control the way I behave, the way I speak or extent of my socialization. I guess I'm more upset about the things I can't control and also about the way I present myself- whether I've made a big blunder, made myself look stupid and also always feeling bad whenever I explain my insecurities/weaknesses and getting mocked for it (whether jokingly or not- it still affects me).
It is actually a very complex mixture of emotions to be alone with two Australians- one girl and one guy. The emotions are overwhelming- I feel nervous, insecure, yet excited and happy, but ultimately I keep trying to blab as much as I can to keep myself 'interesting' to them. I don't know why I do that though. Sometimes I feel like I'm trying too hard to fit in, but I feel uncomfortable when I can't relate to what they're talking about or when I can't find something to say, to fit myself somewhere in the conversation. Anastasia is still a good friend- but now that she has a smartphone and someone she is seeing, I am left to fend for myself and I have to use all my conversational capabilities to appear apparent and present in the room. Australian humour is basically sarcasm and poking fun at each other, I know that they're probably joking, but I don't know how to respond appropriately. Thankfully, the first housemate James is not hard to get along with. I can talk to him reasonably well, except for some silently awkward pauses where Ana keeps on playing with her phone, it was overall fine. Well, he did say not to worry about how I appear to him and Ana, and he encouraged me to let go of my stress by drinking and not caring about what sort of impression of condition I present to them.
Getting a drinks invitation from an Aussie (although I don't know whether he was serious or not) is quite nerve wracking. Because it is a drinking-in-a-bar instead of clubbing, I can't really get away with anything. The thought of having to sit and socialize for long hours with Aussies whom I don't fully comprehend and mingle with gives me a bit of a pressure. It's not exactly like I can just dance and ignore the people around me when I did in clubbing. In clubbing, there's barely any talking at all, just drink a little and dance a lot. I guess this is really called immersing myself into the Australian culture- by drinking with them and doing so without a care in the world, without a thought in the moment, just like how they would do it.
Anyways, I'm still surprised that I can upset so easily, by minor issues with different people. I wouldn't be who I am if I don't express myself so honestly in conversations, keep hurt feelings and dissatisfaction to myself and obsess about it in the most unhappiest way, but I know that this is damaging to the soul, so what I do is to try to get over it as quickly as possible within the next meeting. And this helps as I let the present situation/interaction wash over and fade out the bad memories from previous interactions. When I'm feeling used and confused and miserable, I just isolate the notion of friendship- the fact that: friends are supposed to put in effort to want to know about how you're doing and care about you instead of only one way, you treating them well all the time, being alert to their needs and being a listening ear- when I've lost faith in friendship, I just think about it as a connection- one that is within reach but being constantly connected to and disconnected to. It is a good metaphor- there are always more than one person (connection) in range and depending on the circumstances, you could connect and disconnect with one person as easily as you establish a connection with another new person- and eventually disconnect it again. When things don't work out and I'm tired of expecting people to be nice to me and actually care about me just because I do the same, I apply this concept of 'connection' being temporary and switched on and off depending on circumstances. Just like connections, friendships aren't always stable and your will has nothing to do with it when it decides to disconnect all of a sudden. Your only choice is to wait for the connection to be reestablished, or to move on and seek another connection. Either way, it's good to always have a line-up ready, and never be someone's Plan B because it feels like crap.
Also I discovered that I get annoyed more easily when I feel like someone is making me feel worthless (even if that wasn't their intention), and when someone is not really paying full attention, I feel like I'm not important enough to even hold their attention. Also when they do things that aren't fair to me. I just get really hurt or pissed off or sad even but I've got nowhere to rant because I'm scared the person listening can't really understand how I feel and why I feel that way. Passive listening won't do any good and I realize (I don't know if that's a good thing or not), I tend to want to talk to other people about other people around me. I hate being put on the spot, being made fun of at my inabilities, being unimportant, being 'out' of the social group.
I have plenty of grouses, tears and fears, but at this stage at the time, I can say I've really experienced much more than I would have when I begin my first semester here. Being in my 20's is really fun, I should be more carefree that I am now, so that I can live life, try new things, don't hold back doing anything solely because of my fears. Yes, I remind myself every now and then that, she is Australian, her friends are Australian, where do I stand? This problem only appears when I'm trying to mingle with non-Asians around Anastasia, as she integrates herself alongside with them seamlessly while she's busy talking to them, I'm lost and trying to find a way to fit in. With her alone and perhaps one other Australian, the challenge is downsized and a lot more manageable. I'm looking forward to being in a house alone with three Australians. I hope that I can socialize well and don't feel left out or out of it or being awfully boring or awfully quiet.
I'm being too hard on myself, but that's only because I'm trying to push against my limits. Today, it made me really aware that I should not be hesitant or too laid back with my speech, I need to control it to the point where the pronunciation is accurate and clear, while keeping the tone light. It's a lot to think about, but I better work on it now than be a laughing stock again. And consistently train my brain to speak in a non-Malaysian accent even when I'm with Malaysians. It takes a huge amount of effort for getting nothing in return. Surprisingly, I can do it automatically with some people (Cathy for example) when her accent inspires me to speak as clearly as possible. I know that if I don't keep control of it, I become very tongue-tied and hesitant even when I need to express a short sentence- the reason why I couldn't say it straight to their face even though it was a simple 'good day mate', I felt humiliated and embarrassed when two Australians ask me to say it right before their faces. Obviously I won't try to imitate an Australian accent in front of an Aussie, but I felt so flustered and afraid that I messed it up and spoke really off-tone and timidly. I still find Australian males (or any Western males) really intimidating especially when I have to hold a full, long convo with them when I don't know them and we've got nothing in common or any mutual topics to start off.
I'm not sure whether all these 'people skills' will come in time, since I don't get much 'exposure', I can't get any 'training' either, thus the only thing I can do is to keep myself mentally prepared and be very aware of how I'm saying what I'm saying. It's ridiculous how much time I spent mulling about theses things that are unimportant, yet which I feel like it has a big impact on my current social life. While it may or may not be able to help me out in sticky situations, these things are important in the long run anyway, so I might as well start learning lessons now from these chilled, laid-back people rather than getting hit and falling down hard, losing face in society. The way I try to see it is- having people around and interacting with them (regardless of the outcome- bonding, friendship or the conversation- impressions, things being talked about) is always good as you learn things about other people- their personalities, habits, attitudes, preferences- as well as learn things about yourself that you need to work on and improve.
Looking back at my posts, I was terribly afraid that I would have no friends when I come to Australia. Now, I still have the same intensity of fear but around a different focus on the same issue- managing these friendships and my own feelings about these so-called friends. Quite simply, I am lucky that I can make plans to hang out with somebody over the weekends and that I can always keep myself busy by taking part in social activities if the opportunity is available to me. To keep myself occupied, having enough work to do and a few friends to hang out with is essentially enough fuel to keep my life interesting and packed.
“Happiness isn't a constant. You get fleeting glimpses. You have to fight for those moments, but they make it all worth it.”
“You have to be happy with who you are and the choices you make. If you don't like yourself, you'll never be truly happy.”
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