Home is where the heart is

The ironic thing is, I'm never completely satisfied at any one point of my life. I always feel that something is lacking. And now, confusedly, my heart is neither in Malaysia, nor in Adelaide!

People say that the grass is always greener on the other side, right? Well, for me, that was how it looked. Somehow, except for rare moments of joyous pleasure and simple happiness, there is always a gap somewhere that needs to be filled. By whom, by what, I know not.

There is a meme on FB that goes- there are three things a person needs to stay happy: someone to love, something to do, and something to hope for.

Well, at this current stage, I can say neither of these conditions are fullfilled. Maybe which is why I feel empty. I need more in life. I need more from life!

Writing is sometimes fullfilling, so is getting a distinction in class or praise from a senpai. Or my sister's laugh on Skype and my housemates cooking/ordering food for me. All these are the little things that holds me together. And yet, where is the great adventure that I dream of embarking on? 

My target is always far, far away, too far for me to strike or make a move. It's hard to fight when the fight isn't fair. Even if I get stronger and better, what's the point if I can't get within range? 

Honestly, there is nothing much to do here in Adelaide. There are heaps to learn (from the environment and from other people), but nothing much to actually do and fill in one's schedule. All this restlessness abound, yet I still lack discipline in sticking to an exercise regime!

What I want the most... now, what do I hope for? It is the same thing we are all hoping to find. It is something to hope for, but I don't know if it still exists in this world, in this day and age. If it did, it must be hidden from view or going in a different direction. I would like for the sun to rise, not to cast dark shadows and stormy seas. 

I wish that no one wrecks havoc in my heart because I can't hold back from drowning in my own tears and fears. I do not wish to drown. Even if my ship is wrecked, I am willing to cling on to the hope, as I bet my life by clinging on a piece of driftwood. Many have survived disasters like that, so why shouldn't I? I know that I am capable of giving much more than I can take, so I hope to receive something good and fair in return.

It is all about the mindset really. Though I may feel intimidated, insecure, I know that the person who loves me the most and wants the best for me the most, is watching over me. I will make her proud and even if I don't achieve, I will put my mind to it, survive and not waver.

All you need is courage and determination, and no one can break the wall that is tougher than rock, because it is your every willpower holding the wall together.