Tell Me Why

You might think I'm bulletproof but I'm not

Well I get so confused and frustrated

Forget what I'm trying to say

I'm sick and tired of everything

I got no one to believe in

There are instances when I just can't think for myself. I can think for everyone else, analyze everyone else's complex situation and come out with good solutions, but I am feeling so lost, so lost right now. Being emotional on top of that. A lot of love isn't love, or is it? Only movies get happy endings. People living in reality always get crappy dialogues, crappy plot, and crappy endings. If it is true that I don't have to go out searching, endlessly waiting, if it is true that God made one for me, where art thou, dear soulmate? 

Do you know that everyone is feeling trapped by this? We are all lovely, young, brave, independent,  kind, intelligent women in our young 20's. Why do we need to have this feeling of uncertainty, suffering and being imposed in such a sad situation. I really wish things would change, for the better. Enough with the dramas and the fake love. The crushing infatuation which often leads to nothing. It may be a first world problem, but no one should suffer an uncertain fate for days, months and years to come with nothing to believe in. You simply don't have the right to take away people's happiness like that, even if you created them. We were born for a reason. To love another human being. To be connected to another soul. 

Even still, I need to believe. I won't lie. I've been waiting for a true love's kiss. For that reason, any other is just lying to myself and hurting myself more. I love my family, my few treasured friends, and I just want to live a happy, loving, peaceful life. I want to be something, someone respectable in society. The things I have asked for are all basic needs for a modern women in this century. 

And yes, I do want to complete the human life cycle and someday, be a mother. I know that kids can change your life, in a good, wonderful way. Everything sweet will end someday when they leave the nest, but still all the years of raising them, watching them grow up, I am sure, those are memories that can never be forgotten by each parent. It's too late, I was too selfish, I live in my own world, I had different priorities, I was worn out, I was tired, but know that wherever you are, I now understand that a mother's love and sacrifice surpasses everything. 

Today the emotions hit me pretty badly. Thank goodness I have the sport of karate to distract me. Even if it was just for an hour plus, being able to punch and block, just those simple movements, made me feel really really good. Seeing the faces of karate classmates even so. I may have used the 'I just wanted to get fit' excuse to join karate at first, but now it really gets exciting when I actually recognize and remember certain steps of the martial art. I couldn't believe when I spent a good whole 2 hours working out how to do my first kata correctly. It was really the first time I've racked my brains and utilized all my thinking energy to figure out something that wasn't a problem, something that wasn't stress-inducing, but something that was just an intriguing puzzle (albeit a little bit challenging!) to solve. All the clock wheels turning in motion, and finally the wheels turned in sync! That was the one of the rare feel good moments. 

I don't want to lose anything or anyone meaningful to me. But sadly, departure is always inevitable, no? It's always time to say goodbye after nurturing a bond with someone. None can stay with another forever. It seems like such fun until you lose contact with that person. I guess the only solution is to keep meeting new people and keep in contact with the ones you want to. Easier said than done though. 

Things don't always go your way. Life isn't fair because you don't usually get what you want. Even if you're not asking for much, things don't just miraculously fall into place just like that. I can't be perfect for everyone but I can be my best for the person who deserves me. Motivate me, love me, support me no matter what. Brangelina. Roran and Katrina. Love stories like those are the best, because it's just so pure and sweet and simple. I wish for something just like that. 

On a lighter note, I lack time management control. Reminder to: force myself to wake up to attend classes (because they're worth it!), and not to produce low-quality last minute work. 

Double-edged sword- music and media can be both saviour and destroyer. It's lovely company and entertainment but also the number one reason for procrastination! It's crucial to balance it out.

And lastly, skin health, physical health and mental health. Not sure how I'm faring for the last one because I'm close to going insane and getting worked up and emo over little things.

Time, please heal me if nothing else would.