It's been a while since I updated. I have been through a lot of indescribable things that will certainly change the way I look at things in life, but now that I have recovered, or am recovering slowly, here's an email to Anna sempai that recaps the March Mayhem and April Stagnancy chapter.
Dearest Joanne,
How are you doing, beautiful girl? It's Anna here from Magill Karate Dojo. I've really missed seeing your warm smile in class. I'm sorry that I missed the opportunity to say goodbye to you in person. Apparently, I arrived in class a day after your final night. In my head, I thought that you were leaving in early February and hence missed my chance to give you a big hug.
Hoping that you've settled back into home life. No doubt all your immediate family would be delighted to have you near them once more. Have you been able to commence a new job or are you continuing with study or relaxing? You were always so chilled out ;)
I do hope that you've been able to find a new dojo close by and have considered continuing with your karate. You were developing some great techniques and building up speed and power.
Tonight, we've finally moved back into our new dojo, it's taken this long! We are not in the same room as before, but in the old gym/weights area. The room is renovated with new carpet, air conditioning and has a storage room. Little smaller than before, but it'll suffice.
All the regulars still attend, though Sempai Kerrie has retired and we don't see Jon that often. Tutu and Bobby since last year! :( Ano is now senior orange and will grade in May for her green belt, Blake will go for blue and Sensei has said that I should also grade. This took me by great surprise as I only graded to brown belt last July and thought that I was not quite ready. I'm aiming for senior brown. Paul is that rank already.
My children are all doing well. School holidays at the moment, I might get a little crazy over the next two weeks! Xavier has just turned 9yo, he'll grade to blue belt in June. Laura also just turned 7yo and she'll be green belt at the next grading. Jakey still runs around, but he is keen to start. We might wait until the end of the year with him.
The dojo has grown in numbers. I'm usually busy with the handful of new white belt juniors. They're a mischievous bunch, lacking focus and always talkative. The adults class has also blossomed will new members. Some have previously trained elsewhere. Tonight we had about 16 people in the class!!
I hope you're enjoying life and keeping well. When you have a moment, please email, I'd love to hear from you too.
Love to you,Anna Wong xxx
Hi AnnaIt's great to hear from you! I am certainly very proud to have been part of such a great karate club with full committed spirit. As much as I am happy to hear of everyone making progress and going for greater achievements, unfortunately the same cannot be said for me. I know that you must wish to hear great and wonderful things from me, but since you asked how I'm doing, I would only wish to share what is true and not made up just for the sake. I hope that whatever I confide here will not be shared with the club members, not even Ano.
The past 2-3 months have been a personal struggle for me. On the one hand, I am really happy and relieved to see my immediate family. But I have been struggling to find myself. To identify what or who I am, and what I wish to do in life. It could be due to the lack of karate or social exercise, but I found myself emotional and empty at times. I jumped into the first job I was hired, because I was elated that someone believed in me and gave me the chance. However, things did not work out too well, and I quit the job within a month (March). I felt it did not suit me as a person, it was mundane and repetitive, and held no passion for me whatsoever. (It was a job as a office secretary, doing data entry and answering phone calls.)
I cried a lot during that time, and felt like a failure. I stayed at home everyday, and watched my Dad go off to work, my little sister of 10 years old go off to school. (I have two brothers- one working in another state (25), one studying in college (18). My mom passed away a few years ago of cancer.) (April) Right now, I have applied for a job as a writer at a really respectable company. I feel like I am at their mercy as I keep waiting for the news, after having gone to the interviews. These days, I sit at home alone, wondering how to make the best use of time. After receiving your email, I feel a little motivation but I am not sure if I still have it in me to be a karate-ka. In reality, I feel defeated in spirit and lost without purpose and meaning in life. My boyfriend (who still lives in Adelaide and in his final year studies) felt concern and asked me to see a psychologist. I went for one session only (because of the expensive fees), and the psychologist told me that what is happening is that I am going through a grieving process- I was mourning the loss of my life in Adelaide- the life I lead there, the friends I have there, the fun and warmth with bonded people- my mind and heart is still in Adelaide while my body is here in Malaysia. He said that no matter how much I loved and missed my life there, I have to accept that things have changed. And I have to accept what my life is now, and find ways to make it meaningful.
It was extremely hard to hear that, and I was still stuck about what to do to help fulfill myself. I begin to go out and reconnect with Mother Nature, jungle trekking at a small hill nearby my house. Going through the woods was a great workout- going up and down the tricky slopes, but also calming as you hear the wind rustling the trees, the birds sing and a sense of peace. So far, that is all I have been really doing. Waiting for the news of my job application, jungle trekking solo, and greeting my family every time they come home.
Your email came at the right time, as I felt that I needed someone trustworthy to confess to. No one besides my boyfriend knows about what I'm going through.
He loves me very much, but he wants the best for me. He had tried breaking up with me earlier as he felt that a long distance relationship (without a certain end date) would be stressful and unbearable for me. He has a busy life, and is not often available to call or text. Sometimes, we would talk only every 2 or 3 days. To him, that is normal and acceptable, but to me, that was me stretching my limit. I would have loved to Skype and talk to him every single day, but it is not possible. There was a point where I was so needy and desperate for him, that I ended up pushing him away. So, in order to maintain the relationship, I had to learnt to how to keep my cool. To appear more independant to my boyfriend, even though I don't know how. It is easier said than done, when the psychologist told me, 'just go and develop your own life and interests and passion and not depend on him or anyone to make you feel happy'.
I still don't know where my life is going now. I have tried reading some inspirational articles to get my spirits up, it said 'I am the driver sitting in the driver's seat of my own life.' The thing is, because I don't have a destination, I could only drive aimlessly. I still feel lost and searching, but I am hoping that things will all fall into place sooner or later. How I miss the times when I was just an international student in Adelaide, enjoying and living life to the fullest, exploring my limits and boundaries with karate and newfound friends who felt like family. It is not easy being an adult.
I really appreciate your email, Anna sempai. Please don't be too disappointed in me. Hope you'll write back to me and give me some perspective and what you think. I admire you guys. I am so happy for all of you, and your kids who are growing up well and happily :)
LoveJoanne
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