I need help. Talking to the Universe here. Am I always complaining.? When I'm out, I can see some of the good. When I'm in, no matter how they 'perform' for me, I'm always unhappy and I always want more and expect more.
Being brutally honest, I will complain that they don't plan things in advance for me. Or that they don't surprise. When they DO, etc. buying mooncakes, giving roses/a single rose and cake, giving perfume, bringing me to a surprise location and buying me an album, I always feel flat and empty. And too little or too much attention. I was mean and demanding (the second ex was mean too), but ultimately it didn't stop me from still being demanding or having sky high expectations.
I want clean cut. I want sexy. I want appeal and prestige. I want ambition yet 100% mine with his time. I want a provider. I want a gift-giver. A planner. A surprise-me guy. I want a listener. I want a puppet still... who would be somewhat obedient and pleasing and dance to my tune. It's scary admitting these dark thoughts.
It's worse still knowing that I still feel cold at his touch. And pulling myself together to not cringe at his kiss. Is there a way to hijack my mind to learn and unlearn and to eventually LIKE the way he kisses me? Or do I have to correct him? Do I have to take charge and teach him? Urghhhh! I'm frustrated that my guy has less experience than me. And also less drive and motivation than me when it comes to adventure, exploration and extroverted stuff.
Maybe I'm no different. In front of my friends and acquaintances, I want to LOOK GOOD. I want to still be the alpha. Or if not an alpha, I want to be the 'outspoken' co-pilot or a 'strong' member of the team that everyone does not forget in a hurry (be it positive or negative).
I've read so many chapters of the Ego book, but my pride is still soaring high, my desire for recognition still cannot be quenched! And thus, in my partner, I desire and demand perfection! This is unjust, and I already know that!
Thank goodness that he treats my family as well and he treats me. Thank goodness that my Dad loves to have lengthy conversations with him. And thank goodness that he's not boring and at least beats the siblings at games! Not to mention he likes the cat!
BUT HOW ABOUT US? I mean the set-up in my house was not the best... or maybe he is still hungover! At any rate, our solo conversation today was pathetic! There was no chemistry!!! Having no shared interests, you can only talk so much about happenings with your mates and family! And of course none about work, because we both give zero fucks about colleagues (not important enough to talk about!). Unless it's a direct cause and effect by the colleague, most often manager, and just as an FYI.
I DON'T KNOW WHY DON'T WE HAVE ANYTHING FUN/INTERESTING TO TALK ABOUT! Out of all the miserable dates (I still remember bursting into tears after a date with prawn guy who said he's just looking for any generic girl and he likes A-C cup and nothing beyond C cup!!! And analyzing me like a robot!!!!), Liam is already considered the creme of the crop! Maybe I need to introduce topics and be cool just like my Dad! Either revealing a lot about myself and my past excitements and habits (the places I used to go, the person I used to be).
Or maybe I just need to be honest and understand that a person isn't always a rabbit bouncing up and down and excitable. People get sleepy, tired, moody and overly horny too (it was kinda gross!!! I cringed and avoided it as much as I can! Did NOT dig that one bit!). As long as their heart is still loyal, kind and true. I do remember getting SUPER UPSET when I couldn't get the first ex to be interested in doing me, even though I paraded myself like a peacock. That was bad! But this is really awful too! I don't feel turned on or kinky. How do I tell him! I'm DONE with that phase!!!! Since I overused that in my second relationship! All the lust has been bled dry of me.
I want a kind and true friendship, a spoil-me, listen-to-me, please-me-moderately kind of relationship with just safe, predictable, but steady sex. Also, I think his appearance is not nice to bear. I ALMOST feel embarrassed that I was caught in a pinch and had to show him to my friends (who look gorgeous!). And him.... looking all 'Snape'.
I was so insecure that I wanted my friends to comment something positive to ease my own anxieties. I coaxed them both but alas true friends are not so forthcoming. They act in your best interests. I realise that over my friends, I have no power and no control. I am pretty much happy to just be STILL INCLUDED in their circle. And when it comes to the actual chat, I feel my attention slipping BUT I feel happy that with them, it is still quite effortless. I just need to chip-in from time-to-time and behold, I still walk away with a host of new information and learn something new from every conversation!! But I suppose this is because we only call every once a month or so.
I have a love-hate feeling. Quite every aspect of my life. I love that I have access to things, but I hate how I have no motivation for it! I love being spoiled by my family and the closeness with my sister, but some days I fancy the idea of moving out and being independent!
Ahhh!!! At the same time, I am thankful I still have an introverted side of me whom loves fantasy fiction and stories! And chilling at home with these good quality materials would pass time and made me forget the world. Yet look at it from a very idealistic/dreamy lens. Hopefully this insane feelings will subside!!
P.S. Now that I think of it, he used to say that when walking around in mall, I would always eye attractive women with great physique. And would I like to flaunt crop tops and bare my midriff walking about too? And he tried to get into to get me to actually do the work to feel good about myself and get the shape of the women I used to ogle and fantasize... Maybe I've been lashing out at everyone else because I am actually mad that I HAVEN'T DONE IT YET and I am still slacking off. AND my bursts of energy/hard work dies off after a short period.. E.g. I researched and worked way harder before I join the company than when I'm actually IN the company...
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